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Original poster

AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

263 replies

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 08:17

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

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Joyfulldeathsquad · 09/03/2015 12:04

It's not unreasonable to ask for a contribution at all. Your under no obligation to take this little boy. How do you think he will cope? Has he ever been away from his parents before? Has he any illnesses that need considerating? Will his parents be going away them selfs. If he wants to come home early will they come and pick him up or will dd have to cut her visit early.

In theory it so ds lovely him coming but in reality so much could go wrong and make this a terrible time for the little boy. He is basically going away for a little holiday with out any of his parents and his ds is expected to make sure he is ok.

I think his parents are being really irresponsible.

Have you discussed these with dp?

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 12:06

I don't think this is weird and actually would be a nice thing for both children, but if you're not comfortable with it YANBU by saying no.

ItsMeShh · 09/03/2015 12:09

I'm not sure this is a good idea for anyone actually (apart from the ex of course Wink )

Your DSD has had this contact with her Dad for at least 10 years I'm guessing? - and now she's expected to share her one weekend a month with her Dad with her younger brother - who I'm assuming has Mum and his Dad at home?

It's unnecessary, why is the boy missing out on something by not being a part of the visit? Apart from just satisfying his curiosity about what his big sister does.

Original poster
Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 12:10

needaholidaynow Sorry, I've clearly lost my sense of humour today haha!

We've had no real experiences with looking after boys of that age especially overnight. To be honest, it seems such a long time ago since DSD was that age. He's currently allowed to stay up til 11pm on a weekend but this seems really late to me? I don't even know what the rules are when it coming to bathing etc. I realise that makes me sound like an idiot, but I really have no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 12:11

Your DSD has had this contact with her Dad for at least 10 years I'm guessing? - and now she's expected to share her one weekend a month with her Dad with her younger brother - who I'm assuming has Mum and his Dad at home

Exactly the situation. They used to live abroad about 5 years ago and it used to cost my DH about £400 in flights each time he wanted to see her.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/03/2015 12:12

My (half) sister's little brother used to come and stay with us occasionally when I was little (half sister is older than me, her brother my age). I went and stayed with her mum a couple of times too.

It was nice. Made us feel like we were 1 part of one big extended family. Which of course we were Smile

catsmother · 09/03/2015 12:17

Before your DP goes ahead with this I really do think he needs to consider exactly what would happen in an emergency and find out exactly where his ex and her partner are going to be over the weekend. Would they stay at home (or nearby) - and could he trust her to answer if he needed to speak to her ? If this little boy suddenly realises he's missing his mum dreadfully then any notion of fantastic fun filled weekends which might have seemed so attractive previously (and I'm still not sure that's true) will go out of the window - and it's no fun as I'm sure you appreciate trying to console an inconsolable child. Also, what does he plan to do if he has an accident etc and needs to go to hospital ? If there's any suspicion that the ex, is, say, going abroad for the weekend and won't be usefully contactable then this could be a can of worms.

And yes, even assuming everyone's happy and no calamity occurs, then of course she should bloody contribute to the weekend. I don't 'pay' family when they've babysat for me or had my children to stay but I certainly always try to make a contribution - even if I have to press it on people - and would usually bring a thank you gift too. I'm not sure I'd want my child staying with unfamiliar people either but that aside, if I did decide to send my child off I wouldn't have the brass neck to assume that all the treats would be paid for.

winkywinkola · 09/03/2015 12:20

I would do it if all was amicable and dsd didn't mind.

After all it's dsd's time to be with her dad. She shouldn't have to share it if she doesn't want to.

cdwales · 09/03/2015 12:20

If it was me I would check with my step daughter to get her view first and if she was happy then I would certainly have him! I would be very interested to observe the relationship between the children and it would be no bad thing to amass some brownie points with the ex - plus I confess I do like children per se!

cdwales · 09/03/2015 12:22

BTW you are not being unreasonable if you have your reasons! This just makes you have to wade through them...

gincamelbak · 09/03/2015 12:24

I couldn't do it if i had only met the boy once. I'd be a stranger to him and while an afternoon of playing is ok a full on weekend staying a few hours from mum might be a scary prospect for a six year old.

Micah · 09/03/2015 12:30

If his family causes you this much resentment you should think carefully about whether he's the right man to have a child with

Maybe the ex should have thought about having a child with her new DP if she didn't want to send one off and not the other?

Thumbwitch · 09/03/2015 12:45

It's an interesting one. But I think the DSD should be consulted on whether or not she wants her little brother tagging along, she might not!

Years ago, before I had DC, I would have said "not a chance, he's nothing to do with us" - but now, I don't know that I'd be so hard line about it. My sister is much softer than I am - when my brother's ex had a baby with another man, my sister expected that my brother would be involved in this child's life somehow, as a half-sibling to my brother's own DC - but I couldn't see why! I do now though. It hasn't come up - brother's ex is reluctant to let him see his own DC, let alone the newer child!

Almostnever · 09/03/2015 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wdigin2this · 09/03/2015 13:11

If you go ahead and do it this once, you'll get sucked in regularly, and as it's obvious you really don't want to do it, you should stick to your guns! This is exactly how huge resentment and strain grows within families, your DH is expecting you to take on a situation which you're, to say the least, unhappy about. My DH has practically 'kept' his (adult) DD since I met him over 20 years ago, he refuses to discuss it, it's not negotiable...and I am fizzing with resentment every time I see more £££££ being spent on her, I really wish that I had forced a discussion and some kind of agreement years ago!

MythicalKings · 09/03/2015 13:19

I think you need to make it clear to DH and ex that it's a one off. I have a vision of ex saying the boy is crying week after week and you will get lumbered.

Your DH needs to take your side in this.

Petal02 · 09/03/2015 13:25

I’m not sure this is a good idea for anyone actually (apart from the ex of course …….. )

Indeed. Why do I have a suspicion the ex just wants child-free weekends? The phrase “can of worms” springs to mind.

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/03/2015 13:29

Your DSD has had this contact with her Dad for at least 10 years I'm guessing? - and now she's expected to share her one weekend a month with her Dad with her younger brother - who I'm assuming has Mum and his Dad at home?

I agree - the one chance the DSD has to spend some time away from her much younger half brother and spend some age-appropriate time with her Dad and stepmum and it's being taken away from her by her mum, who wants the younger sib to tag along.

It's inevitable that DSD will play a part in looking-after her little brother while he's there - after all, she'll be the only person in the house that the boy knows.

Poor girl.

Original poster
Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 13:30

Agreed. I just can't see it being ever being just 'once'.

DH is a shift worker so doesn't get many weekends off. It's an awful lot of driving. Life was so much easier when DSD was really little and they lived 20 minutes away. sigh

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 13:36

It's inevitable that DSD will play a part in looking-after her little brother while he's there - after all, she'll be the only person in the house that the boy knows.

DH is not an early riser so it's going to be a shock for him to have to get up early and tend to a small child for the first time in many many years. DSD sleeps in late when she is here (like father like daughter ha!)

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 09/03/2015 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 09/03/2015 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosepetalsoup · 09/03/2015 13:52

Also the DSD is almost at the age when she can take over contact on her own/make her own decisions/travel alone. Her mum is feeling the difficulty of having two kids with a massive age gap, but that isn't a problem your DH shares. He should be allowed to enjoy his DD's growing independence (and the linked reduction in your household's need to be in touch with his Ex) without having to take on the issue of her younger child.

Petal02 · 09/03/2015 14:08

Really good points Rosepetalsoup

chocoraisin · 09/03/2015 14:34

I think she may just be asking because her son is pestering and it will give her an easy out to say 'see, DSD's daddy said no, end of story.' So she doesn't have to be the bad guy telling her son that he can't go, and DSD doesn't have to be the bad sister by saying she doesn't want him to. It's not the most graceful move, but worth considering that she might be relieved for you to say no. I wouldn't assume she's looking for ongoing long term childcare - maybe she just finds it hard to say no herself?