AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

[Poppy84b]

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

In a funny way, I think 'Why not?'. He might be a sweet little boy and fun to have around. They are, after all, going to be related for life. If you look forward 20 years they are going to be adult stepsiblings and no one would want feelings of jealousy about different childhood experiences to be getting in the way of a good relationship.

As a general musing, not personal to you OP, I think that in 'blended' families we as adults tend to expect children to accept the new groupings/family formats that we propose, so we also need to expect that they too might form new relationships or want to do things that surprise us?

However, not over the Easter break! Propose it for a different weekend.

I wouldn't do it as the little time your dh gets to spend with hid dd should be their time and nobody elses. If they lived round the corner it would be different and the families could be more close.
It doesn't sound like his x wants to blend families particularly or else he would bother with your dhs family, so the cynic in me suggests she wants a weekend away.
Would your dh be responsible for the 6 year old too?
If he carries on not seeing a problem I suggest the trip to your sisters sounds like a good idea.
He can choose to do what he likes then.

I think you should take yourself off for the weekend and leave him to it.

At 6 he is old enough to understand the principles around his sister having a different father and different cousins. that hers seems more desirable is frankly irrelevant. My ex husband enjoys spending time with my sons, but the difference is that he and my DP get along very well and the time he spends with them is on his terms i.e. he pops along to watch them play football. I would not propose using him as childcare. If it came from your step daughter that would be one thing but it isn't, its coming from the ex wife! I think she has a nerve to be honest. I would say no

Agree with Teeb .... funny how this visit will apparently be 'only the once' (said, perhaps, to try and persuade you ??) yet at the same time the situation's been described as the little boy getting upset at seeing his sister go off. It's hardly going to help that situation if it really is 'only the once'.

On top of that, I'd be very concerned - both for myself but mainly for the little boy - at coming for such a long visit so far away from home. If he's hit by a bout of serious homesickness, or indeed, by actual sickness - and wants his mum or dad - then it's not going to be easy to resolve things if they're 200 miles away .... or at least 4 hours (??) Assuming mum and dad haven't gone away for the weekend that is.

I'm not against getting everyone together if you were happy about it per se - but surely the sensible thing would be a far far shorter arrangement, for at least the first few occasions - a trip out perhaps rather than an actual stay. But of course logistically that'd be much harder to arrange and would probably mean you going up there as well and taking both kids out before returning the younger one home and then continuing back with SD. But I really don't think there should be any obligation on you to do this and think it should be incumbent on the boy's parents to explain why his sister goes away for the weekend and he doesn't .... I don't see why this should be such a 'problem' TBH .... my youngest saw their older sibling go away to see their dad regularly, and fully understood why that was. In fact I think my younger child rather liked it in a way because they then got our undivided attention and we could do stuff more suited to a younger child rather than have to take it in turns or compromise. My eldest after all was just doing normal stuff with their dad - wasn't getting spoilt or 'Disneyed' and coming back home boasting or anything.

Afraid I think there's an ulterior motive to this and I do wonder just how 'upset' this child actually is ? Telling your DP that is rather like emotional blackmail because no decent person likes to think of a small child being upset.

I'd say no, there's too much that could go wrong.

His mum and dad aren't exactly 10minutes away are a they. Neither of you have perental responsibility so in a worst case scenario that something happens or he is unwell, what do you do?! Do you know his medical history like your DH knows DSD? Do you know his surgery/allergies/any past hospital visits?

Also, say you take him this once all goes well and he has a fantastic time, then he wants to come again for a fun weekend, now you have to say no and I think that's worse than just saying no in the first place. He will now feel rejected .

DSD will be 14 and a 'proper teen's soon can't see her wanting her brother half her age tagging along for much longer on her 'fun' weekend, it could get messy, quickly.

I have an Uncle. He married 'Kate'. They had 2 children. They split. 'Kate' married someone else and had 2 more children. My uncle married someone else who had a daughter already. They had 2 more children together.

We are all cousins. They all consider each other siblings. They all call my Nan, 'Nan'. My Nan calls them all her Grandchildren.

That little boy is a part of your family. You might not treat him like it, and he may not feel like it, but he is.

Ah she is after a long weekend away herself. The fact she is offering to drive half way on the return journey is her trying to make it look attractive.

Once this has started you may get " but he enjoyed it so much and misses all the new people he met can he come again ?"

My half brother was never allowed to my dads although my gran bought him presents (not bio related)

Yeah they deffo aren't family. Any more that my little toddler is family with DH's ex!!!

I have heard of this happening, my sisters ex quite often takes her two daughters out for the day and only one is his.
I would like to get to know my daughters brother if this were me.

You look after other people's children for playdates and sleepovers, dont you? You might care for a friend's child, even a minor friend, if your child liked that child. You dont like or even know all the parents of every friend of your daughter, but you accept the children as her friends.

Think of this in those terms.

This is how divorced families CAN work. The adults might prefer an artificial wall and to kind of pretend the other half of the child's world doesnt exist. But compartmentalizing is a hard and weird thing for the kid to have to do.

That being said, I think I would rather include the child in something shorter like dinner at a restaurant in their town, as a beginning. The distance involved is awfully long for a weekend visit to a strange home. How many of us have had to sort out a young sleepover guest from across town who got homesick by midnight?

Another idea might be, during the long summer holidays when he must really miss her, somesort of mid-way meet up at a museum or park one day? Just think of him as a second cousin, the children of your own cousins you dont know so well, but whom your dc. LIKES. Also: can they skype or facetime?

happy that's how you view it. I have 2 half siblings but my step mother has a daughter from a previous relationship, we don't consider ourselves related in any way, step sister just sounds too weird and Cinderellaish. We have no biological link, and rarely see each other, we are of a similar age. Me and my half siblings see each other weekly, and I'm considered big sister ginger. (I am over 20years older than my youngest half sibling)

it's like Jeremy Kyle in our 'ouse .

happy that's how you view it. I have 2 half siblings but my step mother has a daughter from a previous relationship, we don't consider ourselves related in any way, step sister just sounds too weird and Cinderellaish. We have no biological link, and rarely see each other, we are of a similar age. Me and my half siblings see each other weekly, and I'm considered big sister ginger. (I am over 20years older than my youngest half sibling)

it's like Jeremy Kyle in our 'ouse .

happy that's how you view it. I have 2 half siblings but my step mother has a daughter from a previous relationship, we don't consider ourselves related in any way, step sister just sounds too weird and Cinderellaish. We have no biological link, and rarely see each other, we are of a similar age. Me and my half siblings see each other weekly, and I'm considered big sister ginger. (I am over 20years older than my youngest half sibling)

it's like Jeremy Kyle in our 'ouse .

You look after other people's children for playdates and sleepovers, dont you?

we don't as it goes. We sometimes take our nieces and nephews for days out but we've never had anyone else's child stay over. I don't have a child with my DH so it's on his DD that comes to stay here.

He is really young though. What if he started crying for his mum when she is 200 miles away. My cousin used to do this at my nans and she was ten!

No way would I do this. He doesn't know any of you and it's not fair that his ds would be responsible for him

wtaf happened there

It was interesting to hear your story Ginger (albeit thrice!)

My toddler has half siblings almost as much older as you to yours and I'm glad to hear you have a reasonably cheerful relationship.

I wouldn't. Far away from parental responsibility... accidents needing hospital care and nobody there who can give permission for anything.. illness and wanting to go home to mum are just a few things I wouldn't be happy about given the distance.

I agree.. If you can't agree then tell him to crack on and you'll have a break away of your own that weekend.

He's not a bed wetter. He's six. He's not yet fully dry at night. It's not that unusual.