AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

[Poppy84b]

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

I think its a nice idea I'm not surprised the younger brother is jealous. Hearing about all these nice trips his older sister goes on. I would ask the ex to either drop them off or pick them up on the weekend you have him that can be the financial incentive and therefore saving yourselves money to take him on trips with you.
See how it goes on this occasion if he gets homesick I'll doubt he'll want to go again and let the ex know if her son does get sick it's up to her to collect him.

Your dp and his ex share a child. The younger child of your dp's ex is a blood relative of your dps child. Your dps child is a blood relative of your shared children.

It's disingenuous to suggest that there's no relationship. There may be no blood tie between you and your step child, nor between your dp and his ex's new child. But the children are related to each other.

Does he not see his own Father?

rose I love my half siblings, also in a rather morbid way to think of things my father and step mother won't live forever and there will come a time when there might be this young 20year old man and woman with suddenly no family. So I want them to know I'll always be here for them and they will always have family.

They are lucky to have you Ginger.

I think all the why's and wherefore's are irrelevant in this situation, because the OP obviously is not at all comfortable with the idea! If she agreed, against her better judgement of how she really views this request, how can it work? She will probably be resentful, and no matter how she tries to cover that up, one way or another it will colour everyone's experience. Having DSC on access visits brings enough problems without adding an unrelated child to the mx, and you can put money on the fact that eventually he would become part of the package! The OP hasn't got DC of her own yet, what happens if/when she does, will she be happy to spend weekends, expensive outings and her precious time 'babysitting' someone else's child?

I'm another one that thinks this is odd.

I may offer to take boy if I saw him regularly at drop offs or pick up and lived close enough (and saw that he was upset about wanting to come so felt guilt-ed into it) to take home if need be but that is not what is being asked.

You are being asked to look after a complete stranger - who is a child for an extended weekend and whats worse is, this mom is looking to send her child to stay with people that he does not know, is not going to feel comfortable with. That is a lot of pressure on someone who is 6.

Actually my son has a half sister who is older than him. He sees her and she occasionally pops to our house. She has a daughter who my son (facilitated by me because his dad does not see his DD or DGD) gets cards and something for at bdays and Christmas because it is his niece. I don't mind because that is his bio family - I would not expect my DH or my DSC to facilitate because it is not their family, I don't see either my DS sister or his niece as my family either.

Dh's ex had a termination about 8 years ago (one night stand) and part of the reason was that she said she couldn't cope with waving off 2 children and knowing that her new lo would be left out and not given the same lifestyle.

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Especially not over a long weekend. If the boy wants to meet your DH, a day trip closer to home might be a better idea.
The boy might think he wants to come but then be upset. It's a long way home!!
Besides, if he has a good time it might end up a more regular thing which could just become awkward. If the boy is 6 and dsd is 13 then be will have to get used to get being out doing things he's not included in. Sleepovers with friends, parties etc. It's his mum's responsibility to give her son something fun to do whilst his sister is away. Not yours. Don't be pushed into it OP.

Thanks everyone. I've told DH that he needs to consider all these points and then if he still wants to go ahead, make sure his ex knows and they have a chat her son that it will not be a regular occurrence and that she needs to contribute towards any activities we have planned.

I am going to make the effort and do something on the Friday night/Saturday morning but take myself off for the rest of the weekend.

Good idea OP. You're being very kind to your DH, who is doing what his ex tells him. I understand why you are pissed off about this.

I would also push for her to collect him 100% of the return journey. Your doing her a massive favour. And maybe it will open her eyes to the cost of fuel ect....

He's just too nice. Over the years she has been quite awful to him and he has always paid his child support on time - and this is a really hefty amount of his salary (even when he was unemployed, he borrowed money from his own mother).

I wonder, one day when we can afford to have a child of our own if his ex will offer to reciprocate? (not that I would let that happen)

I would also push for her to collect him 100% of the return journey. Your doing her a massive favour. And maybe it will open her eyes to the cost of fuel ect....

I said this to DH. His stupid response was 'well I'm taking DD back anyway'

"You look after other people's children for playdates and sleepovers, dont you?

we don't as it goes. We sometimes take our nieces and nephews for days out but we've never had anyone else's child stay over. I don't have a child with my DH so it's on his DD that comes to stay here."

Well, then consider: would you? If she were your child would you be in the position of caring for other people's children once in a while? It would be very odd if you managed to avoid that completely.

Set aside the child's parentage, and consider his connection to dss. If she considers him her brother, and would like to share this side of her life in some small way with him, I think it is reasonable. I know there are folks here saying their half and step siblings arent family to them, but I wonder how much of that is down to adults manipulating the situation for their own comfort. Or maybe they werent such small children when the other children came into their lives when a natural connection would happen.

You said you guys do 'fun things' when she is there. That may be part of the attraction to a six year old, life goes on as boringly normal for him when she is gone doing fun things with these fantastic other parents! I dont think you need to include him in that aspect. But making an effort to accept her whole world exists, not just the time with you, is healthy for everyone. And that may mean including him in some way, once in a while. Consider him as a child she likes, forget how she came to know him.

kvetch that's unfair. The little boy is nothing to do with op DH.

If his family causes you this much resentment you should think carefully about whether he's the right man to have a child with.

bit late considering we have been together more than 10 years and are now married and own a home together. I have no issue with his having a child. I take issue when his good nature is played upon and his ex wants us to babysit her child who is not related to us for free.

I'm not suggesting we should 'charge' but surely the decent thing would be for his ex to contribute towards the cost of day trips out/meals out?

It already costs a bomb in fuel and time.

If his family causes you this much resentment you should think carefully about whether he's the right man to have a child with.

The boy is not family.