DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

I think all your concerns are very valid ones and I have found everything you suspect might come true to be very difficult.

I think you need to discuss this properly before he moves in. Trust your judgement. It's not that you don't want him to move in, you want everyone to be happy and for things to be fair and run smoothly. I didn't discuss things properly and made some massive compromises after I moved in and then couldn't cope.

You need to write down all of the "topics" that concern you, and them sit and talk about them.

The one thing that did stand out from your post was an 11yo girl and 9yo boy sharing. Despite what they have ejse where I think it's probably getting to a time when they will need their own space and privacy

I agree with red tart. They shouldn't be sharing a room from this point.

I agree that there may well come a time when the girl does not want to share with her brother - I remember occasionally having to share with my brother and it was mortifying when I had hit puberty.

I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in

It may not be what you meant! but it does come across like that somewhat. It can't have come as a surprise that when you were married and wanting to live together you would face these issues.

How do you see it working in an ideal world?
How does your DHs see it working in an ideal world?

Did you post (twice? )about this some time ago - your children attend a private school his don't etc? You didn't live together but getting married ? Him expecting you to pick up all the costs when his dc were around?.
If this isn't you I apologise but if it is you had loads of posters saying don't get married before you sort all these things out but you did -so in some respects you have to cope with the outcome now.

Re money either he helps with childcare on his time off and saves you childcare cost or you both share the nanny/au pair and he increase his hours.
If you didn't need the live in child care presumably this would free up a bedroom? If he won't then sorry but his dc will have to share.
He pays a fair share of all costs.
He doesn't comment on any unfairness re schooling unless he can pay for it.
You agree on parenting.

If it's the previous poster I'm sorry to say he sounded like a bit of a freeloader who saw you as a meal ticket especially as he hasn't taken discussions about contributing to the household etc well so far.

I really hope you have got an excellent prenup in place and a deed of trust on your house as if your relationship ends you and your children could really lose out.

youve posted about this before you got married....exactly the same issues. why on earth did you get married without sorting all this out first?!!! i fear it is all going to go terribly wrong.....

Yes, it is me, the previous poster, and we did get married. I don't regret it but then nothing has changed as we are not living together. I think living together will change everything. I did put a good pre-nup in place but we need to keep assets separate in order for it to hold together so we definitely need to have a discussion about money/finances and whether he will pay towards the mortgage. The bluehen, what happened to you? What compromises did you have to make? I am worried that my house will not feel like my own ever again. I find DS quite bolshy and am sure a time will come when he and DS are fighting and there will be arguments over whose house it is. As for the rooms, well, they don't have their own rooms at either of their parents' houses as they chose to live in zone 1 (very central) London, so do feel that that part of it is not really my problem.

Sorry, meant to say that i find DSS bolshy, not DS!!

It is your problem though if you're all going to be living together. 11yrs old is IMO, just on the cusp of being too old to share with a sibling of opposite sex.

You'd be best to ask your DH to write a list of potential issues that need discussing, you do the same and then sit somewhere neutral and go through them. Blending a family is incredibly hard work, and there's no point going into it with a 'my house, my kids' kind of attitude. You married this man, and his kids are part of the package.

But why haven't you sorted this issue before? You posted about it months ago. How hard is it to have a conversation and sort out what needs sorting out?
You are never going to solve the issues if you can't even talk about them. Why haven't you?

In my opinion, your attitude means this whole relationship and set up is doomed to failure.

TBH OP, I doubt there will be any resolution. If you live together, the house won't feel like just yours and your DC's house. It will be you DH's home too, and the home of his DC when they stay. You would be unreasonable to pull the "but it's MY house" card when it will be the home of you all. Perhaps you need to re think him moving in if this is a primary concern.

Otherwise, you need to have very clear ground rules put in place PRIOR to him moving in. Ground rules for DC behaviour, parental authority, finances, which apply across the board.

You have six bedrooms - one for you and DH, one for each DC, one as an office. Will you need an au pair if DH is around? Seems silly for him to look after his DC and your au pair look after your DC separately in the same house. Agree the DSC are rapidly approaching an age where they shouldn't have to share. Unavoidable in a 1 bed flat. Not unavoidable in a 6 bedroom house. And it is your issue if it happening in your home.

I cant understand how two adults can enter into a marriage without even discussing these issues.

How do you imagine your DSC are going to feel when they realise that they are not really wanted at the home their father lives in.

I did see your original thread but I actually thought it was made up! I think your new husband should stay where he is and you stay where you are. Until you are willing to try and blend your families with a positive outlook you have no chance. What are you going to do when the teenage years hit?

I speak as someone who is on a second marriage and have a very happy blended family.

Why on earth do you need to approach this "really carefully"? You need to sit down with a list of issues HE needs to address, such as working full time, how his children are to be accommodated and how much he will contribute financially,

For heaven's sake, you went ahead and married a man who you can't fully trust, who can contribute very little except problems and extra costs.

He's right about one thing though. You don't want him moving in. And you are correct that if he does, it won't feel like your home any longer.

Why did you marry this man? More importantly, why do you think he married you?

I remember you previous thread. For the sake of your step children I desperately hope you never live together. I think you will make them nothing but miserable. You whole focus is on you and your children, and this perfect partner. All his children have ever been to you is an inconvenience, I can't believe he married you.

All through your thread you repeatedly said how perfect everything would be if only he had much less contact with his children.

Thanks Lunar, that's really nice. I actually think I have made their dad, and them, quite happy. Maybe if you had someone lie, cheat and go through a horrible divorce, then fight tooth and nail to stay in your house then you too would be a bit cautious. Yes, my focus is my kids, and his focus is his kids. That's the way it is. If you want to attack, go somewhere else. Sersiously, how nasty?

His kids go to school 40 minutes away so will need to commute on the days they are with us, so he will be picking them up and dropping off, which means he can't pick up my kids at the same time. He does this 3 days a week (Weds - Fri), they are at their mum's. It's not the case that I don't want to see them, I just think living together is going to be difficult and was looking for advice on how best to approach it and how to feel less overwhelmed by it.

Also to clarify, my kids do not go to private school. All 4 kids are at state schools.

He will not pay towards the mortgage unless he gets a commensurate interest in the house. So, it could be that he just pays towards bills and food although I think he will want to pay towards the mortgage otherwise he has no investment. I have tried to talk to him several times and we have discussed rooms for the kids but that's about it. If we don't get an au-pair his kids will have a room each. if we do they will need to share a very spacious room. How do I broach the other issues? We have agreed we will split the costs so that I pay 2/3rds and he pays 1/3 as his kids are only there 3 nights/4 days though not sure this is fair as they are older and so eat a lot more than mine. My main worry is that I willl feel uncomfortable in my own home and I am not sure any amount of talking is going to solve that one. Maybe we need to delay.

I think you need to delay, OP.

I think it's too late to delay and you should have sorted this before getting married. If you weren't prepare to be a family you should never have married him.

I'm not sure what you think to gain from posting on MN again if you didn't sort it with previous threads.

You don't want them in your house. That seems to be the bare bones of the matter.

ok - well - money should be pretty easy to sort.

You two (as a pair) will be better off when he moves in. No rent for him, only one lot of council tax, water bills, heating bills, electricity bills. Yes - your bills will go up but not as much as his will go down. The two of you need to sit down and work out exactly what your bills are now, what they will be post moving in and how you can share this saving fairly.