DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

You do need to delay.

And then, you do NOT need to approach it 'really carefully'. You need to approach it head-on, be truthful about what you are afraid of, what you want and don't want, your ideal setup - and tell him he needs to be straightforward too.

You both need to sit down and be open, practical, and non-prickly about it, and get it sorted. Or this marriage is doomed.

No holiday I think the issue is that DH has to go and pick his kids up from a different school 3 days a week - which means a commute - so there needs to be some sort of cc there. Although I don't know why you don't put your two into after school club 3 days a week, which will be cheaper and easier than having an au pair, DH can then look after everyone in the afternoon and you'll have a spare bedroom?

To make this work, you have to want to make it work - and that's not what I'm getting from your posts.

Surely this was all sorted out before you got married?

Ok, I will bow out as I was looking for advice but you are all on a completely different planet. Sorry, I need my office. Without my income, we will won't be living here or anywhere nearly as nice. Why the F should my children, who live here full time and whose mother pays 100% of the mortgage/bills, share a room to allow 2 other children, who live here 3 nights a week, have a room? Is that fair on my kids? To force them out of their rooms to make way for 2 new children? Sorry, but you are taking the piss. And yes, 50/50 share is fantastic IF, like DP, you can work part time so that you can look after them 3 days after school. Not all of us can afford that I'm afraid. I also disagree it's best for the kids. I don;t think it's particularly fair forcing them to live a split existence. it;s more for the parents, I think.

Needaholiday, I am getting a live in au-pair because I am BROKE after 6 year of paying for nannies! There is also NO space in the after-school club. Been on the wait list since September. It'a also nearly as expensive as a nanny is if x by two.

We're not taking the piss, we're trying to see things from all points of view. But most of us are basing it on the assumption that you want to create an equal family set up, where everyone is valued and treated in the same way. That means compromise. It also means everyone giving up a little bit of something - whether that's space or whatever - so everyone else has enough. You're clearly not ready to do that - and I'm not judging you for that by the way. But until you are, it's not fair to bring two other children into the mix.

needa - but don't you think that going forward they have to all be on equal footing in the house to make this work? It really doesn't seem right that the oldest and only girl has to share with her brother, unless it's as a short term solution with true open-mindedness to changing it in the future. Because what is it going to be like when she is 15 and he is 13? Or when she is 17 and he is 15? Meanwhile they look at the youngest two boys each with their own room, of course that's not going to seem fair to them. They can't be asked to take on board the financial reality of whose parent owns the house and the fact that the youngest two were there first. This house will have to feel like their home as much as it is the younger two's.

The office really does seem like the obvious thing to be sacrificed - the suggestion upthread of using one of the big rooms as a dual office for you / bedroom for one of the children seems like a good one. Presumably when you work from home it's during a weekday when the children are at school anyway? If you put in a desk / filing cabinet with locked drawers could you still get the privacy you need?

You say that his children will be sharing is a spacious bedroom. Is there anyway it could be divided into two small bedrooms?

Cross post with OP.

Lonny, well said. I agree.

Surely the step children sharing a spacious bedroom (presumably full of their own toys and belongings, decorated to feel like home?) is much more suitable and pleasant for them than having their dad's room (and him on the sofa) which us the arrangement at the moment?

Just a little question- do your dc go to their Dad's at all?

I can see what you are saying, although I can't easily see a solution yet. It does seem as though you are not quite ready to blend the families so maybe best to wait until new year.

What are your plans for Christmas? Could they all come to stay with you and see how it goes as that may give you a clearer idea on your feelings?

Regarding the boy and girl sharing a room, given that her parents haven't felt the need to address this, I am a bit perplexed as to why I should be expected to. They could easily move - none is forcing them to live in a central and extremely expensive part of London. i would if I had kids that age. I have worked from home for many years and it simply doesn't work unless I have my own office. I work for a US company and have calls late afternoon/early evening and NEED peace and quiet (no screaming kids in the background otherwise it would all breakdown) plus need somewhere to put/leave my papers. The kids finish school at 3.10 and are back here by 3.30 with playdates and all sorts. It is simply not possible to work in the lounge. I need to concentrate. Given that I am busting a gut here in a demanding job and am the one paying all the bills, i do feel a little bit entitled to this.

As for childcare, DH manages to arrange his week so that he does all his lectures/work on mon, tues and weds am so that he is free weds, thurs, fri afternoon to look after his kids. He has never offered to look after mine on Monday or Tuesday and I wouldn't think to ask.

I think decisions like whether to get a live in au pair are ones you need to make jointly. It's not just a childcare solution, it's an extra person in your household. And it's last thing I'd have wanted to throw into the mix of a complicated newly blending family and the start of married life together.

Surely a childminder, nanny share or your new DH looking after them would be better options? Or just keep paying the nanny - your household bills are about to become shared aren't they?

And the fact that your 11yo DSD doesn't have her own room at her mum's either probably means she's even more in need of it with her dad.

You can't let yourself think that it's something you individually are being asked to provide for her when you're married to her DF. You may own the house financially but you need to see it as a joint home if it's too work with you all as a family.

My DSs stay at their dads occasionally, e.g, once every few months. They see him every weekend and once or twice in the week but don't stay over. DSCs have stayed here a lot, including for a week over half term. They all had a great time; I felt like I was losing the plot by the end of the week. Too much noise, mess, drama and eaten out of house and home! Sorry, but that is how I felt which made me wonder how on earth I am going to cope.

Purpleroses, our nanny left a month ago after developing dangerously high blood pressure. Making do with temps etc but need to get something sorted asap. I have consulted with DH throughout and he knows I am broke so can't really argue much with me getting an au-pair. Agree that is is not great having another person live in at this time but may not have a choice. Childminder are also more expensive that a nanny if you have 2 kids.

Could you get a childminder to do a couple of hours on the days your husband has to do the school commute for his dc? Then he could care for all four once he's back and you keep your spare room for your dsd. I feel for her still sharing with her brother at 11, I'm sure giving them all their own rooms would benefit all of you in the long run.
With regards to money I think you paying 2/3 plus all the mortgage seems rather unfair. Your husband is no longer having to pay rent and although his kids are only with you 3 days a week it's only really your food bill that will reflect this, you still have to pay utilities, council tax etc. I think you both need to sit down with a pen and work out how much he's saving by moving in and try and sort out a fairer split.
Good luck, I don't envy you sorting this out!

Is you Dh's house near yours?

I can understand that you want to keep your home safe and belonging to you. The situation appears to be riddled with complications now. Perhaps see a solicitor about safe guarding the house?

This has got disaster written all over it.
Blended families cannot work with such a sense of inequality. Your kids will always take priority on everything so his kids will always be outsiders.
You are concerned about how you will feel in your home but how do you think they will feel. 3 days a week is almost half the time. That is a significant amount of time.
You have to talk to your DH, though I can't see any realistic solutions.

I'm just wondering if you are looking forward to any aspect of a blended family? I'm a stepmum so have empathy with the situation as it feels you are losing more than you're gaining.My DSD is a completely different character and has different values to my dc's which presents challenges.Dh also moved into my home so I had to make way for the extra people, which is never easy as most people don't have spare rooms.I think you have 3 approaches - 1. don't move in together, 2.make detailed agreements on how you will house share and recognise you will be two families living together under one roof or finally completely immerse yourself, make compromises for the greater good and consider your step children as your own children.The final approach has the potential for losses, financially,emotionally and will require changes to your lifestyle.

Some things leap out from your posts.Your dh doesn't feel as if he has 'skin' in this..he doesnt feel any responsibility to help you.Your DSD will need her own room, has your dh failed to recognise this at all? I wonder if he is capable of empathy or what was his fallback plan if you hadn't appeared on the scene..You also seem overhwhelmed with your job, is there a downsizing option open to you? Maybe 4 bedroom house with joint incomes? I just wonder if your resentment will grow if you feel you are doing all the hard work whilst your dh benefits.

You also spoke of your desire for a nuclear family, which intellectually you know isnt possible but is this the reason you married? Is there a desire for the happy ending but your instinct is screaming that it's not right.

I think you are headed on the path of moving in together as being married and not living together creates a social pressure.I hope you can all make it work and that there are sufficient good times but I guess you need to find your line in the sand.What is unacceptable to you? Make it clear to your dh before he moves in..don't get sidetracked, if you have 'conditions' of sharing then make sure he is aware ahead of time.If you can't talk about it then you will struggle to make it work.

Good luck, I hope you all flourish..it takes hope, humour and compromise to survive a blended family..don't sweat the small stuff

I really don't know why you come here. You have put forward perfectly cogent arguments as to why in your view the status quo should be maintained.

Did you perhaps expect that marriage to you would somehow make your DH forget about his kids?

Oh dear. It sounds like you're the one on another planet.

You do sound as if you are on a different planet.
You do not want to make these children welcome in your home or to consider their needs at all. You sound totally disinterested in them and unwilling to realise this will be their home too. Your posts are all about your needs and not about theirs and you come across as unwilling to make the slightest compromise. What about your DHs children's need for some privacy and space of their own, all the more so as they do not have this in their parents homes! Due to size but which is perfectly feasible in a house with six bedrooms?