DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

Thanks Swingofthings, but I was looking for advice as to how to protect myself in a sensible way. I love him and am committed to him and want to build a life with him but that does not mean I want to give him half of my house which I have worked/work my backside off for. I also have a duty to my kids to protect what is theirs rather than giving my new husband half. "I love you" does not translate to "here, have half my house."

I also don't waste "emotional energy" on this. I just want to put in place practical arrangements to protect both of us. I have put vast amounts of "emotional energy" into the relationship and building a new home and family with us and our four children. They have just moved in, all children have a room each and it is now their home. DH has not paid a penny so far. Is that not committment on my part?

You need to see a solicitor or financial advisor. He should be paying 40% of bills as another poster worked out. Have you discussed that with him yet rather than his suggestion of a third? Surely if you stay together the only way your kids get the house is if you have a will stating that?
If you split up you need something that means he can only take out what he contributes from now not half. The fact he doesn't look after your kids to enable you to work should be in your favour in the event of a split.

Then why are coming here for advice? I personally don't see how your man can be happy to be married with someone who is so desperate to protect her own assets. Surely if he is clear with your position, and he is indeed happy with it despite my own opinion, then surely the best way forward is to discuss it and agree what is his and what is yours, go to a solicitor and draw some kind of document to that effect, and then hope that if you were to separate, you wouldn't ended up paying thousands of pounds trying to defend in court that this document is worth more than the law of marriage.

You've been married a year I believe, so surely all this should have long been settled by now?

Swingofthings, we have a pre-nup. Yes, it may take time and money to enforce but it also might take you and your DH time and money to trash out a divorce. At least there is a good chance of a pre-nup being enforceable. I was looking for practical advice about cost-sharing from people in a similar position. You are clearly not as you believe you are entitled to half your DH's assets and he seems happy with this. I personally don't agree with that. If it was the other way around, i would not want half of DH's assets that he has worked hard for. Should be for his kids. I support myself. Always have done.

I don't understand your view on marriage, but I appreciate that not all see things the same way and there isn't a right or wrong. Just to say though, it's not about me believing about my entitlement to my OH's assets. You seem to assume that I have less than him. It is not the case. We both came into the marriage with assets and will have more when our parents pass away.

You have entered marriage with a pre-nup which I am sure he has agreed to. Therefore I can only assume he is happy to be a married man despite your need to hang on to your assets. What I don't understand then is why, if you can both agree on the terms of a pre-nup, you can't discuss and agree terms of moving in together. No one can tell you what to do because your situation is specific to yours and the only right way is what you are both happy with.

By the way, I did provide practical advice telling you my arrangement with my OH which is not conventional. We didn't care what others did, we came up with it because it worked for both of us. I just don't understand why you are asking a forum what would be right rather than your husband.

Dodo. I don't think the problem has ever been how and why you arrange your finances - the problem is that you can't discuss it properly with your DH.

How can your dh not have brought up what HE would pay? Does he really think he should pay nothing? I can't understand your relationship at all.

Sad situation! I certainly understand why you don't want to share your home with other peoples families, I didn't want to ever have to share mine either....which is why I never got involved with, much less considered marrying, a man with young children!