DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

My main worry is that I willl feel uncomfortable in my own home and I am not sure any amount of talking is going to solve that one.

Quite understandably, you view it as your home, which your DH and his DCs will be moving into. Is there any way you can set up a new home together - even if it is, on paper, owned by you? Because I think if you do that, and work out a household budget in a totally new, family home, then a lot of the barriers you are feeling will disappear.

If, however, you are emotionally attached to your current home, due to the fight you put into keeping it, and are unwilling to give it up and move on from that part of your life, then I wonder what your motivation for marriage was?

Wherever you live though, blending families is a huge challenge. You, your DCs, your DH and his DCs will, at different times, all feel uncomfortable about the others presence. It's part of blending. Do your respective children know you have married? If they do, then they will already be thinking about life all together - they are old enough to be involved in planning the transition.

This is difficult, I think if this was the other way round people would be saying 'you're married, it's family money, there is no yours or his'. I'm not really sure why yu wouldn't want to both contribute as much as you have; if you earn more you contribute more.

You married him, his kids are now as important as yours in the household, and I really don't think sharing is suitable for them at their age as different genders.

I honestly don't know what you are looking for anyone to tell you, I don't think there is a solution to this situation which involves them moving in, you will see them as encroaching and invading because he won't be paying half and you don't enjoy his kids being around very much. That's not criticism by the way, I just can't see you becoming magically comfortable with the situation.

I don't think you should let them move in. There are too many unresolved issues, and these need to be fully resolved and comfortable for you both. Although he is probably quite satisfied.

It's obviously not going to be possible to sell your property and buy one just as big - you have a massive mortgage already. Presumably he and his ex are in social housing if he can afford to rent a 1 bed in Zone 1 working part time. Am I right in thinking he has no capital whatsoever?

If you don't want to share what is essentially your home with his kids, then don't! Why the two of you bothered to get married I really don't know.

The only solution to your particular problem with his kids is to continue to live separately until his get tired of living in two homes.

This thread will be just like the last, with the OP ignoring most contributions, then getting frustrated that no-one will endorse her animosity to the SC, or her unwise decision to marry.

If the OP were a man and were writing about his lesser earning DW moving in and 'freeloading' and that her kids were to be treated like second class citizens (room sharing when other kids don't have to), there would be UPROAR on here.

And your comments about his kids are awful. You sound like you detest them.

You are a family, OP. Your monies should be shared and your children should be treated equally. If you don't feel that way about your DH, why on EARTH did you get married?

Time for a serious chat.

Is there any way you can set up a new home together

I do think that psychologically this would be the best thing. I know when I had to share accommodation it was a lot easier when everyone moved in at the same time. When you've been living somewhere for a while and other people come it feels like an invasion of your space and you feel like they have to live by your rules, instead of deciding the rules together.

Presumably he and his ex are in social housing if he can afford to rent a 1 bed in Zone 1 working part time.

That's an interesting point, because legally, the OPs DHs flat will now be considered a "second home" of the household - if a couple who are living separately marry, there is an automatic assumption (for the purposes of tax and benefits) that the households have merged - the presence of a pre-nup doesn't overrule that as far as I know.

This is really messy, OP - perhaps you should seek some specialist legal advice?

What???? So you are married but live separately with separate finances?? You have concerns about blending your family (rightly so) yet you still got married?? Why?

My DH was in very much your position before we moved in together. He has been hurt by his ex's affair and fought hard to keep the family home. He was understandably more anxious than I was about living together, but like you or made sense practically for us to move in with him. My DH is also a high earner.

To make things work I think too things are critical -

• You both need to be ready to accept that there will be compromises for everyone. My DCs had to leave their home and move into someone else's. DSS now has to share his bedroom with my DS. And both DH and I have lost the autonomy of being single parents. My DCs get more computer time than I would like. DH has to put up with more clutter round the house than he would have allowed. For us I think it has been worth it as I love being with him, and having a big family to come home to.

The other thing is though that he's accepted that as the higher earner he sometimes needs to pay more than his share of things. I was managing fine financially on my own, but if we're going to function as a family we need to treat the kids fairly to a degree. Eg he pays most of the cost of holidays. I don't think I could cope with living with someone with a much higher income than me who always expected me to pay my way in a lifestyle that maybe I couldn't afford. Working shorter hours does mean I do a lot more for his kids than vice versa though, but I know DH appreciates that. We've also got a pretty -nup trip put DH's mind at ease about keeping his house if we ever split up. But money that either of us earn whilst married we are treating as joint money. There's a sense of being a team and a family which I like.

You can take some time out with your own DCs even after living together. But I think you do need to see the living together thing as a thing you both want overall.

I also think an 11 year old girl would probably feel hard done by without her own room i being the eldest and the only girl in such a big house, and would suggest you either lose the study, partition a room or consider DSS sharing with your DS1.

That should read pre-nup not pretty nup ! (Am on my phone)

thanks Purpleroses, that's really helpful. I think part of the process is acknowledging that there are going to be problems/issues but there can be worked through. I also think it's important to acknowledge that you do have feelings/concerns about blending a family, and rightly so. I am far from convinced it is the natural thing to do but we want to be together and so this is what is going to happen. Part of me will always long for the nuclear family but that is no longer possible in my case. Tryharder, which comments lead you to think I detest his kids?? For the record, I don't. Also, I may be the higher earner but the "extra" cash I have goes on childcare costs that neither he or his wife have and a higher mortgage that I will be paying to provide all six children with a family home, so cash wise we are pretty much equal, in fact, he probably has more disposable income than I do. In terms of holidays/treats etc, his kids have been on 2 holidays more than my kids this year so lets stop with the poor him and poor kids etc.

As for the bedrooms, I work from home at least one day a week and really really need my office for work calls/peace and quiet away from the kids. It would be difficult for me to work from home without it. She does not have her own room at either her dad's or her mum's so why do I have to provide one when they haven't, especially given that she will only be here 3 nights?

"ex-wife" i meant! Freudian slip!

So what exactly is stopping you from telling him that you're quite happy with the way things are and don't want to have his kids at yours?

Because, if we are married, then we need to live together, right? I want to live with him and build a life together. But I am scared about letting go of my single life with just my boys. I can't really get my head around it.

But you knew all that when you got married, right?

So what's changed since the nuptials?

You work from home one day a week. dSD is there three days a week. Do the maths. And the kids will be at school during the day so work in the living room.
It is irrelevant where DHs children sleep right now because this is about a six bedroom house where there is plenty of room only you are choosing to treat your stepchildren as inferior to your own. dSD needs her own space. Pop the two little ones in together or give up your study which is barely used anyway but give this poor girl a little dignity and privacy.
Does your DH realise how much you dislike his children? You do not seem at all concerned to try to build a new family but merely to retain the status quote despite a radical change in circumstance.

I understand your worries, but not why you have let things get so far when you clearly don't want this blending/moving in to happen! Yes you would obviously get to spend more time with your DH, but everything else about the scenario is obviously a huge negative for you.

There are so many issues here...but essentially, it boils down to the fact that you don't want to compromise your own autonomy and comfort in your home in any way. This does not bode well for having two teens/pre-teens living with you 50% of the time over the next 10 years.

How long has it been since you all started doing stuff (activities/weekends/holidays) as a blended family unit? If it has only started happening this year then yes maybe you do just need more time, but in many ways it is hard to see what could really change in this situation to make it all work as you want it to.

And I do really worry for his kids if they move in and you still feel like this. You really risk making them feel like second class citizens in what would be their own home.

Then why did you marry him? You sound completely muddled about it all, just like you did months ago when you posted first about it. Have you got no further forward in your thinking? When you have kids and get married, two families become one. Why does he want to happen that you don't?
You keep saying what you don't want to happen...what DO you want to happen?

Why can't your boys share? They're only little and both boys??? Am I missing something?

Must be missing something. You've mentioned six children.
I thought you had 2 boys and he had a boy and a girl??
Oh - I'll back out of this, I'm confused.

Why didn't you sort all this out BEFORE you got married? This is just bizarre.

You should never have married him. You should Be welcoming those children with open arms and getting excited about building a stable home for them all not saying ' she doesn't have a room so why should I provide one'. You are married to their father.
Please don't let them move him. Your posts read that his him you want not them and they will pick up on it.
It's appalling.

I remember your other post too, and am surprised that you got married. But what the heck, you both come with baggage, can't you make the best of things? Is there room in your big bedroom for an office set up? If your dsd stays three nights and you only have to work one day a week from home, could you work from home when she is not there? Have a trendy duel function room?
His children are children, like yours.
He sounds fab by the way if he has 50-50 with their mum. All the families that I have seen with this arrangement really suit the children.

The bedroom thing is simple, DSD can get changed in a bathroom and actually sleep in one of the younger, your ds rooms as it is only part time or you could divide one of the largest bedrooms somehow when required.

Seriously I think you and your dh should go see a therapist to discuss these things in a controlled environment as it seems you're not good at communicating with each other and sharing your emotional stuff as well as practical stuff.