DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

So many of the issues are linked that it's hard to know where/how to approach it all. Money, childcare, time, work, rooms...whoever you try to consider one on its own it inevitably leads to one of the gother issues. There are a lot of variables going on. You are going to HAVE to have a really in depth open conversation with your DH about it all, you can't just pick one issue and go in softly softly I don't think.

Look at your ideal scenario (seems to be lives continuing as they are now but under one roof, him helping you out a bit with childcare, contributing to bills 50/50, his children sharing and behaving very well and quietly, you each being in charge of your own kids, you being the ultimate head of the household) and take it from there I guess. You have to be very frank at this stage, softly softly hasn't worked and Xmas is nigh...

That's not even touching on the issue of house rules, chores, approach to dealing with bad behaviour...

That would really suit op Youare
Sounds like your used to getting your own way!

It sounds like you don't like hearing the TRUTH Minki.
It hurts.
Did you marry him to prove you could?

As for the poor kids. Million pound house or not. They need a loving and secure family and home and that is their entitlement simply for being humans. You and He should have had this sorted. Now there are another 2 people in this world more important than you along with your own Sons. If you don't feel that way, and it's clear you don't, you should Never have thought about blending families.
Why should any of the kids have to suffer from divisions?

They never asked for this and frankly you sound like a spoiled brat.
Not a successful business woman.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors eh!

OP this relationship is going to end and it is not going to end well.

The best thing you can do is cut your losses now and get out.

You're in the newly-wed part of your marriage and you find him lazy, not willing to contribute and difficult to talk to. Not to mention the fact that after suffering through infidelity you've picked someone who has also cheated on his (now ex) wife.

I didn't read your previous thread, so I'm baffled as to why you're with him at all tbh, but it is absolutely clear that you CANNOT live together. And you know that. It's the wrong decision. Call off the move.

If you desperately want to continue the relationship, live separately until the kids have all left home and you can sell up and buy somewhere together.

Moving in together is absolutely the wrong choice and you know it.

No one has said ' You Hate his Kids'

If dh won't discuss it with you, then I can't see how it will work. I mean, what will be his plan be on moving in day? To just have the dc pick a room each regardless? Thinking on it a bit more Christmas is stressful anyways, it might not be the best time to move in. It's sounds like you both want to keep your individual families and dynamics the same but all under the same roof, which doesn't sound possible, which means you both either have to make changes to make it work or agree to live seperatley.

Do his dc attend the same school? If so Would it be out of the question for his dc to come home from school in a taxi? I was just thinking that this would make him able to look after all the dc, removing the need for live in childcare which gives them all a room each as well as saving money which can the go towards the higher household costs. Just an idea.

Again, why it is all on me, why is there no expectation for him to do anything?

One of the reasons OP that people are making suggestions to you, about changes you can make, is that you are the one posting, we cannot have any influence on your husband.

Minki, you don't like your step children.

You became very aggressive when it was suggested to get your younger children to share so that your opposite sex step children could have the privacy they need. You referred to the suggestion as "taking the piss".

You referred to your step son as Bolshy and see yourself having arguments with him in the future about whose home it is. This child is NINE. You don't need to argue with a nine year old, or any none equal person, abo whose home it is. It's your home. However,you won't have a leg to stand on unless you treat him equally to your own children, as it will be made utterly clear that you don't really want him there.

You're very concerned about your step children spoiling the relationship between their dad and your own children. Can you not see the problem here? Are you concerned about your own children spoiling the relationship between you and your step children, or do you not have one?

As for the nanny issue, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my days. You don't need a live in nanny when you have a parent at home three days a week, and you dont need an office. if you have a six bedroom home, you have more than enough space downstairs to work. Use a chdminder to fill the gaps and give all the children a room each, and stop being so selfish. A marriage simply will not work if one half of the partnership only looks out for number one.

Your life will change, of course it will. If you didn't want your life to change, you shouldn't have married a man with two children.

Oh, just to add before you explode, I am in your situation, just with three fewer bedrooms.

I have two boys, he has a boy and a girl. All the boys go in together and the girl has the box room, because she hates getting undressed in front of boys and I don't blame her. I would LOVE them all to have a bedroom each er, but this is a three up, two down, and it's not an ootion. Happily, we discussed this before I moved here.

I have to second OutragedFrom comments. What are you getting out of this relationship? Putting aside issues of childcare and bedrooms etc, just think about you and him. What's good about it? Communication? Shared goals? Shared life experiences? Sex?

He doesn't seem to want to contribute anything other than the bare minimum, yet seems more than comfortable about making clear what he is and isn't happy about going on in your home. Reading your posts, I don't get a sense of overwhelming passion and love radiating from this man, it's all about what he's entitled to (no rent unless he gets a cut in the house) and what he expects.

Do you feel connected to this man? That you are on the same wavelength? It feels like you should be considering these points initially, and then taking it from there when it comes to the practicalities. I can appreciate you've been hurt in the past op, but I get the sense that you're steamrolling ahead with this when you might just be flogging a dead horse. There's absolutely no shame in walking away as soon as you know it isn't right. There's a big difference between a boyfriend you have fun with and a man to share your life with.

Minki,

Even if you have got into this situation for all the wrong reasons, you have my sympathy.

Aside from the upheaval of moving two families into one home, you're going to have the added trauma of trying to sort your relationship out with your DP.

To me it does seem like you have netted another dad with kids on the lookout for a stepmum he can dump them on and resume the semi bachelor lifestyle he thought he was going to get when he got divorced but didn't bank on having to look after the kids.

That may sound awful, let's hope it isn't.

But you do have a lot of talking to do before one packing case crosses the threshold. You need to be on the front foot here.

I would start with holding off moving in until after Christmas but invite him and the kids to stay for a few days. I don't think that's unreasonable and someone can sleep on a sofa or can use your office if you're not working.

If you get a bad reaction to that I'd say you're on a hiding to nothing already. Let's pretend you're not.

There are going to be expenses over Christmas - twice as much food and drink of a festive variety, you need to test the water here with a conversation about contributing. Suggest something like 'I'd normally buy a 20 turkey for the three of us, but to feed 6 it'll need to be more like 45 (btw I have no idea how much turkey costs). Then there'll be the extra veg and pudding, xmas crackers, tub of chocs for the xmas day movie etc and one bottle of win isn't going to go very far', give him a few seconds to work out what you're telling him and if he doesn't volunteer just ask him outright. 'How do you want to split that? You buy the turkey, I'll get the rest?'

On the accommodation front, FOR XMAS ONLY, is there any way you can give DSD a room of her own for the few days she's there? At 11 it is not going to be very long before she'll need her privacy. Would one of your kids take up the challenge of sleeping a bit rough, camp bed or blow up mattress and sleeping bag. Maybe you could make the temporary bedroom a bit of a campsite, put up a tent in it??!!

That way you are making a generous offer.

Get that sorted and don't have any more moving in talk until after Christmas day. If you've mamnaged to survive the time together, shared the domestic burdens etc and not split activities by families you can move into Phase 2....

And that would be along the lines of 'I think DSD needs her own room, she's growing up with all that entails, she's not a little girl anymore', if you genuinely cannot work out how you do that follow it up with a 'BUT', and ask if he has any suggestions. Don't get into any arguments about that just talk any ideas through to their logical conclusion/natural death.

On the finances front, yes get the budget sorted. I think a suggestion he contributes much of what he as paying in rent previously towards the mortgage isn't unfair. The work out a split of bills, it should be pretty 50/50 given the numbers we're talking about. When it comes to kids activities and clubs etc, try and avoid going down family lines again. There will be future opportunities and kids give stuff up, don't make it an open wound from the start.

If it helps our arrangements are this

House - not owned 50/50 but furnished and mortgage paid 50/50
Utility Bills - 50/50
Food etc - 50/50
Car bills - 50/50 (except fuel and its whoever uses it pays for it)
DSC's birthday/xmas presents - mostly paid for by DP, I buy one or two things myself (I have my own non resident kids to buy presents for)
Sports/hobbies - tends to be DP but when it comes to random ad-hoc match fees and stuff its whoever's got cash, usually me!
Treats, days out cinema, take aways etc - 50/50 pretty much.

It's probably not perfect but its relatively controversy free. It also gives us the opportunity to offer to help each other out if we're struggling one month - lots of presents, school uniform etc

Good luck. Hope to hear from you at Chistmas having a good time !

Did you marry him to prove you could?

This has to be the most ridiculous thing I've read on any thread in all the time I've been on MN.

Minki - if you look at this thread positively, even the negative comments can give you food for thought. You may not realise it but you have come across very negatively when discussing your DSC. This is why people have said that you sound like you don't like them.

You do not appear to be looking forward to your DH and DSC moving in at all. Your posts do not reveal any excitement, just dread.

That is what people are responding to. It may be helpful for you to reflect on what your real feelings are about this situation, why are coming across so negatively? Are you generally an optimist or a pessimist? If you are a pessimist, or generally prone to anxiety/worry then maybe the situation is better than you think. If you are an optimist then this is clearly very bad and living together has disaster written, typed, stamped and painted all over it.

Also, do you tend to be controlling? Because that is also how you are coming across. You seem to be thinking about living as two single parent families in one house. Your comment about him looking after his dc only while you have a nanny/au pair looking after your dc in the same house, at the same time is very strange. It's a bizarre proposal. It's not how families work. Are you very reluctant to ask anything of him? Are you waiting for him to offer to look after your dc? Maybe you don't want to let go of the idea that your kids are your responsibility, are you worried about becoming reliant on him for childcare? Do you have concerns about his standard of parenting? You need to do some thinking here instead of steaming ahead.

Wow. How can love survive all this stuff? You haven't a hope unless everything is discussed and agreed before they move in. Otherwise it will be hell for all of you - and I suspect things will come to an ugly end.

Poor kids. You sound very self-centred and your relationship seems to be built on avoiding all meaningful communication with your DH. Your three seemed extremely bizarre first time round, it's completely unbelievable now that you have gone ahead with the marriage.

Speak to your DH urgently, sort out the practicalities (just put your desk in your bedroom ffs) and then focus on the real issues, I.e. how to support ALL the children through this period of upheaval and change.

Surely his savings in not having to pay any rent and the difference in Bill for a flat compared to the increase if any in gas/ electric and the difference between 75% council tax in his flat and the extra 25% on the house must mean he has to be financially better off. Why can't he pay his fair share to the bills excluding the mortgage and this should give you some spare to spilt the attic room. I can't see why it's all the OpS responsibility he is their father.
You need the office room otherwise it impacts your work and that impacts all of your home and lifestyle why can't he step up and help make it work.
if he refuses I'm sorry but I can't see how your relationship can last.

Minki - I really hope that this is not real and that you are testing out the plot for a nonsensical book, I seem to be getting drawn in again because of the ridiculousness of this situation. Do you have any straight talking friends or family members that you can trust? What do they think?

Could you have an office in the garden?
Going forward the step kids shouldn't share purely for the periods reason above. While ok now, it won't be.
He doesn't sound fully onboard with your children, is it a stalemate where you both don't want to 'help' the other out as the other won't do it back?
You have no future if you can't communicate and work out what's best and fair for the FAMILY not his/my kids

Ok, to clarify, he picks his kids up from their schools which are 45 minutes away from our house by underground. He picks one up at 3.30 and the other at 4.30 which means that they would not be home until 5.15/5.30 at the earliest, possibly later if delays etc. He therefore cannot pick up my kids from school (5 minutes away) at 3.10, can he? As for Mon, Tues, he tends to try to pack all his work into those 2 days so gets home at 7pm so can't look after them then either. What do you want me to do? Tell him him to leave his job and look after my kids so that I have 5 dependents rather than 2? Really, where is the sense in this? Also, a child-minder around here is £8 per child per hour (MORE than £10 per hour for a nanny) and a lot more than £100 a week for an au-pair. The after-school club is £13 per child per session £26 per day in total) and ends at 6pm which means I need to leave work at 5pm to get home in time to collect them which is not possible as I currently go in late (9.30) as I drop them to school.

Trollsworth, yes I think it is taking this piss to suggest that my children who live here full time should have to give up their rooms for DSC. Yes, I think it's an outrageously unfair suggestion. As for giving up my office, what happens when a call gets interrupted or I can't work and I then lose my job?

The general gist is that I need to compromise and give up the things I have in place to make life work (a planned au-pair to reduce child care costs, an office at home etc) in order to give DSC a better life etc?

Youaremyrain, yes I am generally pessimistic and anxious but I am certainly not controlling. DH often comments that I don't get het up about the house/personal space and am relaxed about things around the house but I DO get het about unfairness. As for views of family and friends, my mum thinks DH is getting a massive lifestyle upgrade at my cost, and no contribution, and begs me not to do it (live together). Friends (who know) perceive us as totally in love and happy, and all the kids happy and getting along so think all these issues can be worked out.

In façt, it's actually these threads that make me more het up and anxious than anything else! DH hasn't asked for DSCs to have their own rooms as he knows I am completely broke and need to get an au-pair, yet I am being attacked for not providing one, and for not liking my DSC, neither of which are true.

The gist is you need to compromise and give up on some things if you want a successful blended family, yes.

But so does he. One of which is that he needs to pay a fair financial contribution.

Thanks HesnotaMessiah. Good advice about asking him to share costs. Last Christmas I paid for everything (all food, booze etc) for a week and it really niggled as he bought (literally) nothing. I need to say these things. As for the rent etc, I was not going to charge him any, only split the bills inc food. DP said before that he does't want to pay rent and that he will only pay towards mortgage if he gets a commensurate share. I am not sure yet where I stand on that but think I will want at least 6 months of living together before I decide.

Well, he thinks he is compromising by agreeing to move into my house. He would prefer moving somewhere new. And because his children will have to compromise.

I should also point out that DH also wants/needs an office!!

Well, that's wanting to have his cake and eat it. And make trifle from the leftovers.

It's not fair that he has more disposable cash than you as a result of him moving in. All of the benefits, including financial, should be shared.

I would suggest that for the first 6 months you charge him half of whatever he was paying in rent before. That way he's saving, and you're less broke. Revisit it after 6 months.

If he says no then he's sounding very, very much like a cocklodger.