DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

I remember you! It seemed to me that if you two lived together you would suffer as a result and he would benefit. It's true, isn't it?

I am shocked that he hasn't offered to take care of your children on the two nights a week he could. That is utterly selfish when you do so much for his children.

I don't blame you for not wanting four children there. I wouldn't, either. For me, that meant not getting involved with someone with young children. You need to reconsider whether this is for you, particularly as you don't particularly like one of the children (and I think there's no reason why you should - not all children are inherently likeable, though there's usually a reason in their home lives for this.)

Of course you have to have your own office. It's shocking that people think you should give that up.

OP, I think you and he should live separately until all of the children have left home. By then, I think, you will have seen him for the user he is. Sorry to be blunt, but there is very little that is attractive about this man.

Am I youaremyrain? That's news to me but you must know more, right?

OP, I think you and he should live separately until all of the children have left home

Excellent advice. It's not unheard of, for married couples to live apart, and I think the OP has a VERY good case for this.

Ok, that is an option and I do wonder if we need to give it further thought, or at least delay for a further period. I broached this with DH though and it did not go down well. As others have rightly said, it's reasonable to assume that we would live together once married. Thanks purple roses, imperial and needaholiday, good advice. I need to make a list of things we need to discuss and agree including bedrooms, finances, childcare etc. It would help if DH had offered to look after DSs even just one day a week as that would be a big saving, enough to make the cost of a live-out nanny about the same as an au-pair. Wonder why he hasn't. Guess he needs to work on those days. There are things that he could be doing to help the whole situation, and isn't!

I think the TTC issue is relevant, if they have a baby together, they are less likely to be able to live separately. It will also impact on the issues that the OP has raised here regarding available bedrooms and childcare, notwithstanding the affect on the existing children.

I know this is probably blue-sky thinking, but in an ideal world it would be very handy if the OP's DH (and his children) could live next door to the OP .....

But you haven't had the conversation with him! You can't expect him to magically understand what he needs to do to make the arrangement work for you. Draw up a list and have a proper discussion. See what's possible. But approach it from an 'all in this together' pov. For example, your DH could reduce his hours further and put one set of kids in ASC or similar to cover the commute time and then have all four in the afternoons. I suspect you'd hate this as he then would be bringing in less money, but it would significantly reduce your cc costs. That's how families work.

You aren't forcing them to sleep in the broom cupboard, but you do appear to be envisaging that a teenage girl should have to permanently share a room with a teenage boy (while your two boys have a room each) because their father pays a smaller share of the bills than you do. Are you still going to have a good relationship with her when you get to that point and explain your reasoning (I'd suggest working up something better than "Why the F should you get a room of your own when I pay 100% of the mortgage as a deliberate strategy so that your father doesn't get any rights in the house ?")

Lonny, I wouldn't hate it but money is tight and I cannot take on any of his costs. I barely have enough money to support my own kids. I also don't think it's up to me to tell him to slash his income. I would quite like to work part-time as well so that I could see a bit of my kids.

Yves, it's not because DP would be paying less that she would not have her own room but because I may need to get an au-pair, which is a cost based decision. If we don't get an au-pair then she would of course have her own room. We have talked about both options. As for her expectations, I don't think she minds either way as i) she is currently sharing with her brother at both her mum's and dads (and always has) and ii) she has been coming here for the last 3 years and my DSs have always had their own rooms. I don't think she is expecting her own room at all! Given that she has never had her own room, I don't think this is a massive deal to her. Also, when they come for sleep-overs they CHOOSE to share a room, despite us currently having a spare room (no au-pair yet).

I can't magically expect him to know what to do to make the arrangement work for me? It's not about it working for me though it is? It works for me to have cost effective childcare. I need childcare in order to work. It's a priority. If he think it's so important that his daughter has her own room then he could offer to help or suggest a solution which means we wouldn't need an au-pair. That is not making it work for me, it's making it work for his daughter. Why or why is all the responsibility on me????

It just shouldn't be like this with some you've just married.

You are jealous of the bond he has with his kids.
You sound mean.
If he knows your true feelings then he is just as bad for marrying you.
I fear what your kids are learning from this and their future tbf....

Pretty disgusting behaviour from 'adults'

Go away flowerbomb. Please.

Well, my opinion only, but to me it seems like the responsibility is all yours because you are not open to change. You have barely discussed this with him, according to your posts. You didn't discuss it fully before you married either.

The only way to make it not your responsibility is to make it a shared responsibility, which it is not. Are you genuinely telling me that if he turned round today and said 'hey, I think we should do x, y and z' - you'd go 'fair play'? Because let's be honest, that's not a quality you're displaying on this thread. You've fought for your home, you've fought for your DCs - that much is clear and admirable. But you are married now and it is not just about you and your kids.

I understand that dh can't look after your dc three days of the week as he has to collect his own dc and can't be in two places at once but why can't he look after your children on the other two days?

I don't think your office should be given up, especially if it's needed to earn the living that's covering most of the family costs. I can also see how combining one of your ds rooms into an office bedroom type thing would be a problem if you need storage for important paperwork, especially if it might be of a confidential nature and wouldn't be practical, what happens during school holidays and the ds can't access his bedroom (they have much need for privacy imo too) because mum is in there working, this sounds impractical.

I do think the girl needs privacy, I say this as someone who had to share one room with my brother and step brother when at my dads, I hated it, esp when periods started and I couldn't get up to the toilet on morning and had to wait for them to fuck off as they'd see that I'd leaked etc. dad only had two rooms and it was only once a month we stayed but I think if he'd had a six bedroomed home I'd feel resentful, be that wrong or right. I really do think your dsd will need her own space at some point, she may be happy sharing now but that could change when puberty hits. I agree though that your dh should have also considered this before he met you but it is what it is now.

I understand people saying the dcs will feel unequal/unwanted but it works both ways, your dc could feel unwanted as someone is being paid look after them when they have a stepdad at home on two days of the week. I think you both need to stop seeing it as your dc my dc and think of it as our dc and you both need to make changes and compromises to make it work, not just you.

I think you either need to remove the need for live in childcare, if this is totally not possible then converting one room into two, or maybe the attic into another room, but that costs money and would take time, and it'll prob fall to you cover the costs because of you having to keep assets separate.

The bedroom thing aside, you also need to have a discussion with dh about house rules, bedtimes, chores, punishments etc and what is expected of all the children, and then it's probably a good idea to get together with all the children before moving in so you avoid arguments over on set of dc being allowed to do things the other can't.

It needs sorting though before they move in.

Flowerbomb - congratulations, you have joined the esteemed list of posters that the OP would like to uninvite to this thread for disagreeing with her. I think the minki should suggest a topic to mnhq where you can only contribute to threads if you agree with the OP. Like AIBU but more IKIR (I know I'm right!)

Xposts, I've just read about money being tight so the attic thing wouldn't work.

Lonny, I have tried to discuss it with him but he thinks there is nothing to talk about! Again, why it is all on me, why is there no expectation for him to do anything? And yes, Inickedname, it is quite likely that my DCs will wonder why they are being looked after by a nanny or au-pair when DP is looking after his DSC. Why is it ok for my kids to be treated differently in that respect but total equality is expected everywhere else?

As for my office, I should point out that it is quite a small room; you could squeeze a double bed in with v little space or a single bed with slightly more space but not much else. None of the other rooms are big enough to split except perhaps the loft which DSC were going to share, or possibly our room. I did suggest that DH and I move into a different room and turn our room into a play-room/bedroom for DSC so that DSD could have her own room but DH didn't like the idea as he wants them to have a dedicated bedroom.

I don't mind posters disagreeing youremyrain, I just don't want to come on here for nastiness and abuse. Had enough of that in my life already thanks. I want constructive comments/advice from people who have been through similar situations. Not "you hate his kids" "you are a disgusting adult" etc. How does that help?

You aren't going to find many people on here who married a bloke before discussing arrangements for child raising, bedrooms and finances. It's a very unusual situation.

I already had the attic converted into a large bedroom with DSC moving in in mind which is partly why I am so broke! The house desperately needed a new roof (water was pouring into DS"s room) and it made sense to do the loft at the same time. Without that then DSC would definitely be sharing.

Agree Ehric and agree that we don't communicate that well.

I have tried to discuss it with him but he thinks there is nothing to talk about - but there clearly is! You're unhappy and anxious about lots of perfectly natural things to worry about. You're coming up with solutions that may or not work well (as people have pointed out on this thread) but you absolutely do need to be talking to your DH to work out the solutions that the two of you decide will work for your family.

How can it not be an issue who will do the childcare, whether you'll get an au pair, how you'll split housework fairly when one of you works longer hours than the other, how you'll split your finances, who'll sleep where? All of these need discussing, and you need to make your DH understand this.

You really do need to get your communication problems sorted right away. No point living together until you do, or every time something happens, you'll go through this nonsense of posting on here, asking opinions, then ignoring everyone and doing what you were going to do anyway.

Are you SURE the two of you should be together?? You don't sound like you have much in common based on what you're saying and you don't sound like you even respect or like each other with some of the posts.