DH and DSCs moving in at Xmas - worried!

[Minki]

DH and I have been together 3 years and got married in August. I have two DSs, 6 and 4, who live with me and he has a girl, 11, and boy, 9 who he has 50% of the time. Him moving in means they will be here 50% of the time. I have posted separately about this but I had a horrible break up with my ex after he had an affair and left us for other woman. DH also had an affair and split with his ex which does cause some trust issues. They would be moving in with me as I have a 6 bedroom house and they have a one bed flat (kids share a room and DH sleeps on the floor when they stay!). We obviously have more than enough room although I am thinking of getting an au-pair which would mean his DCs need to share a room (one room is used as an office) which doesn't seem to be an issue given that they share at both their dad's and mum's. All the kids get on very well and seem to be looking forward to moving in but I am nervous for a number of reasons. Aside from the cost issues (who pays what etc, which we have not discussed in detail, I am hugely worried about losing control and this not feeling like my house anymore. Once they move in it will have to become home to his DCs and i am not sure I feel ready for that. It feels like it is my kids and my home and noone elses! It's not helped by the fact that I am the higher earner and use a nanny (or an au-pair) which DH works fewer hours and so has never used childcare. He will basically be at home 3 with his kids 3 afternoons a week whilst my kids are being looked after by a nanny. His kids go to school 40 minutes away from where we live so he will have to collect them from school and commute back to ours on the days they are with us. Although I like his kids, there are also tensions around parenting styles. His son, 9, is very clingy and quite demanding and it feels like he always wants his dad to himself, which is quite hard for my little ones to handle as when DSCs aren;t here, DP is available to them. Just feel that we will both want time with our own kids that we won't get and that his DS will be sulky and resentful because of it. Also worried about costs. Am struggling to pay a large mortgage and worry that I am going to end up picking up the larger share of the food bills etc. I tried to tell DP how I was feeling which he interpreted as me not wanting them to move in so need to broach this really carefully. Any advice?

You should NEVER have married him without nailing all this down- it's you on another planet!!

I remember the earlier posts and have to confess I also thought this was a disaster waiting to happen if you married... but here you are

So being pragmatic

• Can you make a office/bedroom for DSD. You work from there, but presumably she is older to sleeping after your calls (I also work for a US company from home so are these late evening/early evening calls?). You could use a sofabed/daybed and compromise on décor. If nothing else can you offer her this option and she may not want it to begin with (after all its a new home) but have it for something later as she ages.

• Can your DH take on other work - aided by the au-pair helping with his kids - to help bring in other funds?

• Sit down and make a budget - line by line everything from mortgage to the food bills, days out, cars, school trips, even the au-pair - and agree what he pays/what you pay both in terms of what is affordable and fair. Listing it all out will help you see where the balance is between the two. Ultimately you need the mother of all spreadsheets to see this clearly.

• and lastly but by no means least - you need help with your attitude concern about feeling at home in the house. You got married, its no longer your home. It may be your building, because you own it but its the home of your blended family! Sometimes that is 4 kids, 2 adults and an au-pair, sometimes 2 of those kids aren't there. But irrespective it is now the home of that blended family. And save moving or your DH never moving in, well that became a fact of life the day you said your vows. Whatever it takes counselling, taking up running to get some space, or going to the grip shop to 'get a grip' - you need to do it because you got yourself into this situation.

Regarding the boy and girl sharing a room, given that her parents haven't felt the need to address this, I am a bit perplexed as to why I should be expected to

But their father has addressed it. He has married a woman with whom he can provide a more suitable home for his DCs. Pre-nup or not, there is a legal and moral expectation that you will share a home, and you have said that is what you expect "married couples" to do.

You have entered into a legally binding contract - one that doesn't have a 14 day cooling-off period. I could understand it if your marriage had been a spontaneous decision while in Vegas, but you knew the implications and had doubts and yet ignored the responsibilities you were committing to.

I can only assume that the legal benefits of marriage (work visa?) motivated you to go ahead without fully considering the moral and emotional aspects. Your marriage is clearly not a partnership. I wonder whether your DH would have any legal recourse to annul the marriage; your posts here on MN before and after the event suggest it was more a "marriage of convenience" than a genuine commitment for life.

I come from a large blended family. And I completely agree with wannabe, you are on another planet. And with WineWineWine that blended families cannot work with such a sense of inequality.

You so clearly do not want them to move in - this comment says it all: DSCs have stayed here a lot, including for a week over half term. They all had a great time; I felt like I was losing the plot by the end of the week. Too much noise, mess, drama and eaten out of house and home!

You never do childcare for each other, you've never split bills or even discussed money as far as I can tell, and you didn't live together before you got married. It what sense are you actually a family?

I would call a halt to this and tell your DH that he can't move in. Obviously this would be the end of your marriage but better for his children not to move in and then have to move back out again.

What about using part of your bedroom for office space? There are plenty of tasteful units which can house computer/ files etc . Or is there a walk in cupboard you could convert? I get that the SC share currently but this will not be practical in the future.
It does sound a bit like you want everything all your way, and a successful relationship usually works on compromise all round.

I would if I had kids that age

OP you are spectacularly missing the point. You have married their father. They are your stepchildren. Technically you DO have kids that age now, therefore you need to do the best for not only your children, but his as well. STOP thinking about it as "his" children and "your" children and start thinking of it as "OUR FAMILY." It doesn't matter if they're there 3 days per week or 7 days per week. They are now PART of YOUR FAMILY. Either treat them as such, or live separately. I am appalled that you got married before sorting this all out. Irresponsible IMO.

"She does not have her own room at either her dad's or her mum's so why do I have to provide one when they haven't [...] Why the F should my children, who live here full time and whose mother pays 100% of the mortgage/bills, share a room to allow 2 other children, who live here 3 nights a week, have a room? "

Because you are claiming that you want to create a blended family. If you were actually doing that there would be none of this "well, let's see what percentage of the mortgage/bills this child's parent pays, and work out their status based on that".

It's fine to want to prioritise your own children. It's fine to want to protect your space and your kids' space. But in that case if that's your priority then you don't get married and move two other children into your house. You are clearly not emotionally ready to do that, but you are pushing ahead and doing it anyway and it's going to end up in a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

It is just about reasonable for an 11yo girl and 9yo boy to share. It is not going to be reasonable for a 15yo girl and 13yo boy to share, especially in a SIX BEDROOM house. Although the way you are going there is no way this is going to survive for another four years, so that may be of academic interest.

Six bedroom house. 1 room for adults, 4 rooms for children, 1 room for au pair or nanny. Still struggling to see what the problem is (other than the frequent nonsense that crops up on MN about how children will be traumatised if they have to SHARE a bedroom). I agree the older two should not be sharing with each other as the girl is too old and needs privacy. There is no reason the younger two couldn't, although wondering why it's an issue. OP could use her bedroom or another room in the house to do her work from home. Personally, it smacks of "not wanting to share."

You seem to regard DHs children as nothing to do with you. When you married their father they became part of your new family. Fact. You now have to start treating them as something other than a nuisance, taking up space and eating food
How would you like to be treated like Cinderella? Because that is exactly what you are doing.
Tbh it would be better for these kids not to move in at all

Tbh it would be better for these kids not to move in at all

That may no longer be an option though. The OP and her DH will have seen an increase in their respective household outgoings (loss of single person council tax discount, for instance) and a decrease in their household income (loss of benefits/tax credits). Living apart as a married couple is not financially accessible for most.

What advice do you want?
You asked should you get married - everyone said no.
You asked about protecting your asset for your children - everyone said don't get married.
Now you ask what to do about the children when you've already married!
My advice is as it always was - treat this as a relationship where you don't live together and you don't have blended lives. Don't move In Together as it just causes issues with children, bad feeling and potential loss of assets.
Shame you got married, turns out marriage didn't magically turn you into a functioning, committed couple after all did it

OP - don't marry him until you sort out the issues!

Oh hang on, that's what I said to you in the summer, too late now.

You clearly don't like his kids or want him moving in. This is a big mess that you have created.

Thanks newstart, that is really helpful advice, particularly about working out what the line in the sand is for me. As you say, I feel there is a huge potential for me to be taken advantage of, especially as historically I have always picked up most the costs for food, days out, holidays etc. I think if I get more reassurance that DH is going to pull his weight and contribute then it will make me less nervous. Yes I feel the pressure as my job is demanding and we are completely dependent on my salary. Overall, I think that you and other posters are right in that I am confused. I love him and want a life with him but my instinct is saying no to certain things.

Olgaga, if you have nothing constructive to say, then please leave the thread.

Minki - this is an internet forum, you don't get to control who posts on here. Any "unhelpful" posts are a result of you posting extensively about this before, not taking any advice and going ahead with marrying him anyway. Other posters, like me, probably feel a bit frustrated that you haven't taken on board our comments previously. HTH

Yes I feel the pressure as my job is demanding and we are completely dependent on my salary. Overall, I think that you and other posters are right in that I am confused.

Have you taken any legal or financial advice?

It strikes me as incredibly bad financial management to get married, thus increasing the financial burden on both households (that you say you are responsible for?) without clear benefits for the families involved.
Are you willing to explain why you got married? I think most of us who have posted on this thread find that difficult to understand.

IIRC shear tied him because she luffs him and she wanted to show commitment to him without cohabiting because she couldn't get her head around how they would all cohabit.

• she married him

Just out of interest, assuming that I need to do all the things outlined above for DP and DSC, what should he be doing to contribute to the situations? I think many posters have a very old-fashioned approach to marriage. Second marriages do NOT necessarily mean pooling of assets and shared responsibility for kids. They just don't. Sorry if posters don't like that but it's reality for many families. I have some responsibilities towards DSC but not the same as towards my own children. I do think it's different.

As for "ignoring" previous advice, am I forced to do what the collective opinion of mums net decrees? Of course not. I wanted advice and listened carefully to all of it, weighed up the risks, and decided to proceed but with caution which means a pre-nup and any other reasonable precautions.

Before I am vilified further, I have a good relationship with DSC. There have been no cross words or issues or any kind of problems. They like coming here and are happy about moving in. I am posting to try to resolve issues I have with it so that I can address these and make sure the next few months go well.

??? Confused about "increasing the financial burden because of marrying". Neither of us have increased costs due to marrying. We still live separately so are still entitled to single person discount on council tax and don't receive any other benefits that have been slashed so not sure what this means. And yes I took legal and financial advice. I am really just seeking advice from posters who have been in similar positions (not those intent on criticising).

I think i should also clarify that DSC are not being treated like cinderalla. am posting because I am worried about being treated like cinderella, i.e. doing all the work and getting least out!!

Previous thread here

The OP is also thinking about ttc with her DH.

On the finances - I found it was a big gain moving in with DH - he lost his single person council discount, but the 25% extra was a lot less than I'd been paying on my old house. We share bills, which are less than bills in 2 houses. And I'm renting my old place out, which brings in quite a bit.

Wouldn't you find something similar? If so, I would use that extra cash to avoid an throwing an au pair into the mix so everyone can start off with their own bedrooms. The other things you need to talk through with your DH are money, childcare and housework - how to divide those all up fairly so that you function as one family.

Honestly, you would think that I had said I was forcing them to sleep in the broom cupboard! Ridiculous.

That's a bit cruel youaremyrain - she hasn't asked advice about ttc on this thread (and there could be any number of reasons for that) so I can't see why you need to bring it up