What an effing joke, not having posted on here recently - until this particular email from the Gods who are MumsNet!

[Tappergirl]

Hi Tappergirl,

We wanted to drop you a line about your posts on Mumsnet, because we've have had a few reports from other posters about them, particularly your posts on the step parenting threads. And when we took a look, we could understand why other posters thought they broke our Talk Guidelines (www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette).

We know that step-parenting has become quite a fraught area of the site, and that two opposing 'camps' of posters seem to have emerged. Our take on this is that everyone is welcome to post in the Step-parents topic - so long as they do so within our Talk Guidelines - and we'd really appreciate it if everyone concerned in the bad feeling could step back a bit and concentrate on the issues raised by each thread, rather than thrashing out ongoing disputes with other posters.

Our aim is to make parents' lives easier by pooling and sharing advice and support, and we ask members to respect each other's opinions, even when they don't agree with them. We do understand that everyone can get a bit het up on the internet from time to time, but we'd be grateful if you could bear this in mind in future.

Step parenting is never easy, so we think a bit of peace, love and support wouldn't go amiss. And please rest assured that you are by no means the only poster we're contacting about this.

Thanks and best,
MNHQ

Yes they do seem to be in response to the same poster(s) don't they? There's a suitable word we could use for that but as this thread appears to becoming useful now it's probably best not to keep raking over old ground and try to move things forward more positively .

I could not agree more, Nicki. If some posters have had an education and now wish to sing a different tune, that is all to the good. Sort of makes it all worth it, really.

And here's me thinking exactly the same . Who knew we would ever find ourselves in such accord?

I too have a genuine interest brd in posting on these boards. Why would you assume I don't?

I was bullied off the SP boards some months as apparently I shouldn't be posting here if I'm not a SP, which I am but nobody bothered to ask. However a recent thread and some supportive posters made me realise I have as much to offer these boards as the next person.

I have had this name for quite sometime and NC every few months due to a poster collating all my posts together and gathering personal information about my family/where I live then putting it on a thread for all to see. It's amazing what lengths some will go to to get their point across. At that point I decided NC was the safest way to use this forum.

I think everyone here feels very strongly and has a genuine interest in step parenting issues so therefore has every right to post here. I'm not sure that this board should be reserved for the self appointed "experts" and I am not sure how useful it is to be constantly assuming that posters DON'T have a genuine interest tbh. I also wonder what qualifies a particular poster to make that judgement?

Personally I have a very specific and expansive experience of various step parenting scenarios and feel pretty secure in my right to post here.

You'll always get those that are clueless about specific scenarios and who jump in feet first but that is true of any board. I don't think shrieking "victimisation" is doing anyone any favours and seeking to elevate this board above the hurly burly of most Internet forums isn't realistic in my opinion.

I too think it's good that some people have changed their opinions. It shows the value of debate. Things would never change if they weren't challenged, history gives us endless examples of this.

I admit to judging posters who post one or two lined posts that only say things like 'What a horrible jealous person you are OP, to feel like that about a CHILD.' as probably not having a genuine interest. But I suppose posts like that are within talk guidelines. And they probably have a genuine interest in making their point, just not in actually helping or engaging with anyone, neither child nor stepparent. But there is a world of difference between posting harsh judgements like that, and offering alternative viewpoints or analyses in a compassionate or non-confrontational way. Which I agree is a good thing.

Otherwise, I definitely agree, the board is and should be open to anyone.

...and I would agree that sometimes those offering alternative viewpoints in a constructive way have been unfairly lumped in with the one-line-stick-the-boot-in posters and I think that is unfair.

There is always a tendency to want to reduce everything down to comfortable and clear extremes when posting about complex issues (on mumsnet as a whole really) and people who just HAVE to hammer their point home and aren't willing to give an inch or be persuaded in the least by anyone else's opinion, and it is a shame when we all get sucked into that.

I think half the time we are arguing against the sentiment of an 'extreme' poster, but the one we actually end up debating it with is actually nowhere as near that extreme as the person who kicked up the bad feeling and argumentative spirit in the first place. We argue over little details while losing sight of the fact that we probably overall mostly agree in a broader sense. Its especially the case when arguing about things 'in general' be that 'MWS', the overall spirit of the SP board or whatever.

Why would you assume I don't?
Why would you assume that I am suggesting you don't?

I am of course referring to those posters who (as a simple examination of the board will show, should anyone have a reason to do so) only post on threads where they wish to continue arguments, denial of widely accepted concepts, denial of having denied now proven concepts, or character assassination.

If none of those people are posting here, then we are, as you say, all in perfect accord. I am sure all of us with that genuine interest in a supportive environment will find it much easier to have such discussions now that we can stop arguing about whether spousification does or does not exist.

flossy I have PM'd you.

On the record I agree with every single word you say and I think you'll find many others do too. Well done for having the guts to say it.

As you wish, Flossy. I am more than happy for people to read the posts for themselves and make up their own minds about the "stuff I have pulled off the internet". Or the way this thread, among many others, has gone.

This entire thread is so fucking pathetic.

You got an email reminding you to be nice, along with a few others. Clearly sent after hostile posts/threads.

Get over it. It's an email not a fucking spanking.

Actually, I thought the thread was going well, and everyone was being civil and discussing and debating things sensibly...people often have different opinions especially on such an emotive subject.

flossy I am sorry you felt pushed off the boards. From what I've seen your posts are well reasoned and thoughtful.

I have not posted much on the SP boards as there does seem to be a somewhat vitriolic attitude towards SC rather than help finding a solution for the OP, who after all has likely come to the boards because they are having problems dealing with a situation.

Sorry, oxymoron that wasn't at you.

Love the NN btw.

Thanks

we'd really appreciate it if everyone concerned in the bad feeling could step back a bit and concentrate on the issues raised by each thread, rather than thrashing out ongoing disputes with other posters

Just to clarify, was it only the OP who was unhappy with MNHQ's email? It's just, based on recent posts in this thread, it seems to have been forgotten in the latest bunfight

For what it's worth, I'd feel a lot less threatened here if personal disputes, vengeance for perceived wrongs of the past, newly found confidence and personal attacks were kept to PMs. I'm struggling with "my lot" as a stepmum at the moment, but have deleted several posts asking for advice because of a fear it'll be derailed and turn into a bunfight between what are fast becoming the "usual suspects" - regardless of which "camp" they are in.

it seems to have been forgotten in the latest bunfight

What bunfight?

Well I think the email isnt a big deal really, or wouldnt be to me. Except it's not very clear about what the crux of the problem is, except for the bit that says to 'concentrate on the issues raised by each thread, rather than thrashing out ongoing disputes with other posters' ...which is ironic given the way this thread has turned out...

What bunfight?

The direct personal attack on another poster - which I have reported and hope will be deleted shortly.

I thought this thread had moved into be constructive and conciliatory, but a single line has derailed it and it has deteriorated into abuse and personal insults, again.

If there is a problem between individual posters, then maybe, as MNHQ suggests, it might be better for them to take a break, rather than redraw the same battle lines thread after thread? I appreciate that the OP on this thread wasn't seeking support, but these arguments between the same posters flare up on a lot of posts where the OP is at the end of their tether. Having their thread derailed leaves people feeling bruised.

Flossy I applaud you for saying what a lot of us thinking.

But Wakey that is one single post to another poster who has acknowledged it and moved on.

Calling it a 'bunfight' is making it into a big drama. Does it change any of the previous posts? No. If you thought this thread was constructive and concillatory how does a single line deteriorate it.

Yes, report it. This is what always happens, everyone gets involved in other people's business and it becomes two camps. Let them respond to each other if they want and report any posts that you think break guidelines.

That way the thread doesn't get derailed.

I think if someone goes to the extent of gathering information to find out such personal details like they did to Flossy, then posting them, then they should be banned. It is shameful that that person wasn't.