What an effing joke, not having posted on here recently - until this particular email from the Gods who are MumsNet!

[Tappergirl]

Hi Tappergirl,

We wanted to drop you a line about your posts on Mumsnet, because we've have had a few reports from other posters about them, particularly your posts on the step parenting threads. And when we took a look, we could understand why other posters thought they broke our Talk Guidelines (www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette).

We know that step-parenting has become quite a fraught area of the site, and that two opposing 'camps' of posters seem to have emerged. Our take on this is that everyone is welcome to post in the Step-parents topic - so long as they do so within our Talk Guidelines - and we'd really appreciate it if everyone concerned in the bad feeling could step back a bit and concentrate on the issues raised by each thread, rather than thrashing out ongoing disputes with other posters.

Our aim is to make parents' lives easier by pooling and sharing advice and support, and we ask members to respect each other's opinions, even when they don't agree with them. We do understand that everyone can get a bit het up on the internet from time to time, but we'd be grateful if you could bear this in mind in future.

Step parenting is never easy, so we think a bit of peace, love and support wouldn't go amiss. And please rest assured that you are by no means the only poster we're contacting about this.

Thanks and best,
MNHQ

Some posts in the SP board show a shocking lack of compassion for all parties involved in a situation and seem to be far more concerned with pointing the finger of blame at a particular party rather than being supportive and full of practical advice.

The fact of the matter is, if you don't like your step children and they don't like you, it will ultimately damage and destroy yours and your dps relationship, and cause a lot of hurt for everyone involved. Taking the moral high ground, being re-affirmed that you are in the right, or at least not wholly in the wrong is ultimately meaningless unless the support and practical advice is in place to change the pattern.

Threads are getting very quickly derailed and getting quite nasty which is no good for anyone. Of course issues should be debated, but all to often it is to the OPs detriment as their dilemma gets lost in the ensuing bun fight.

bah that sounds like an awful situation. Are things any better now?

Clash I agree with your first paragraph but it cuts both ways.

It's one thing to offer advice when it's done in a compassionate or at least non-emotive manner. But I have seen posts on here offering nothing but disdain 'you're jealous' 'this makes me feel sick' 'what a horrible post' type comments when they really weren't warranted IMO.

I think what Bah was trying to say is that advice is more likely to be taken on board and actually effect change if its doled out with a bit of compassion and understanding.

No, I agree riverboat.

I think people do need to think about their tone when they post and be a bit more - I don't know what the correct word is - maybe pragmatic in their approach?

If people are feeling attacked, they are only going to get defensive and it will put them off posting in the future, which is a shame because there is a good variety of viewpoints and a wealth of experience across the boards.

Blended families face a unique set of problems; it's a shame that every other thread on here seems to deteriorate into a bunfight when it could be an excellent resource for times when people need a bit of advice or support.

I have read a lot if the step-parenting threads recently as I get closer to a man with four children living with him full-time, just as I have my two living with me full-time. It is complex and sensitive.

I have to say that I completely skip some posters' posts altogether now. It's just the same old child-blaming shit and it is definitely not in the spirit of MN and I am surprised it is allowed tbh.

Just my opinion.

There are some selfish and questionable behaviours by some stepmums and there are some unjustified attacks on others, purely because they hold the title of stepmum.

^But I think most posters fall somewhere in the middle - and their voices seem to be being lost at the moment.

Great statement Wakey, I completely agree.

The whole mini wife thing makes me queasy too, but it DOES exist.

Whilst we are all here together, could someone please tell me the correct, professional title for the syndrome that is being referred to as mini-wife syndrome. I feel it would really help if we could all use the correct term.

Lack of boundary setting by a parent.

LineRunner, that articulates what causes it but what is the actual correct term for the syndrome that the child is suffering from?

Poor parenting by a non-resident parent syndrome.

Or indeed poor parenting by a resident parent syndrome.

I don't think the child is suffering from any 'syndrome', regardless of what recognised medical professionals think. I agree with LineRunner it is poor parenting but it's much easier to blame a child who can't argue back than it is to actually tackle the issue with the husband who is causing the behaviour in the first place.

I would call it 'useless prick of a Dad syndrome'.

Fairenuff - I have been told 'parentification'.

But what I learnt ftom the recent thread where we all discussed this, is that some honestly don't believe it exists. But also that parents doing things like giving children lots of inappropriate decision making power are child abusers in a generalised way but what they are doing shouldn't be labeled as anything except child abuse because it suggests the blame lies with the child.

I think 'parentification' is also a troubling term in that it suggests that someone involved is parenting or transferring parenting.

The dynamics being described are mostly devoid of anything approaching actual parenting at all.

So, for example, how would you go about getting this diagnosed? I know that with behaviours in children, people often suggest that they may have an undiagnosed condition, such as aspergers or add or odd or attachment disorder, etc. The child is usually referred to a pediatrician, via their gp for a diagnosis.

So, how does the child get diagnosed and what is the correct term? That's what I'm wondering. It's all very well for non-professionals to suggest that a child might be suffering from this condition, but we are not qualified to make that judgement.

LineRunner, that articulates what causes it but what is the actual correct term for the syndrome that the child is suffering from?
With regard to the subject being discussed, the child is not said to be suffering from any syndrome. This is a complete misunderstanding. The terms are "parentification" and "spousification" and they refer not to a syndrome but to a process. They describe a dynamic, not a syndrome. Perhaps this is why people continue to be so resistant to the concept - they are mistakenly interpreting it as a 'diagnosis of something wrong with a child', when that isn't at all what is actually meant.

This is all very well explained in terms quite accessible to the general reader, in the resources thread river has linked to above. Please do read them; much of this "debate" could be avoided if people had a better understanding of what is actually under discussion. There is little point in coming on and saying "I don't believe in X! Wait - what's x?" or insisting that because some people who don't understand about X have called used a term one doesn't like the sound of, that X can't exist.

I absolutely believe in Parentification. I am also firmly of the view that it can happen in (not sure if this is the right term) "nuclear families" as well as step families - because my father did it to me, at my mother and brother's expense. My father seemed to think that he and I were somehow superior to them, particularly my brother, and gave me all kinds of inappropriate rights and responsibilities within our family.

I do accept that Parentification is likely to be more common in step families than nuclear families.

What I will not accept is any hint that the child is at fault. I was 5 when my dad started his behaviour with me.

Sadly, its ramifications continue to this day. My relationship with my brother is pretty uneasy. As an adult, I accept that it's now my responsibility to deal with it - unlike the PP's horrible 23 year old SS.

Regarding terms, I don't like mini-wife or spousification either, because of the sexual element inherent to being a spouse (and the gendered element to being a wife specifically) - that's inescapable. I don't believe for one moment I was spousified, but I do agree that I was parentified.

Here we go again with the pathologising of the (usually female) child...what's wrong with sticking to the facts that some fathers are completely clueless about providing safe, boundaried parenting, and that their ineptitude and general flakiness - quelle surprise - produces anxious and clingy children?

I agree with that BOF but I would also say that this kind of behaviour is not just confined to men and bestowed on female children. It happens with mothers and daughters too, and I imagine it also happens to boys but perhaps to a much lesser extent.

Upon reading that linked thread about Spousification and Parentification I completely recognise the description as the way my mother was with me, from a pretty young age. I also recognise the negative effects and outcomes on the child as being relevant to me.

cinnabar The two term refer to different dynamics. "Parentification" refers to the role of parent and child being reversed and the parent seeking parenting from the child - and the parent gaining emotional benefit from that. "Spousification" is when a parent treats a child in the manner more akin to a spouse - again, for emotional benefit.

Although in my case it was not an issue within a step family but as a result of being made my mother's confidante and sounding board and feeling as though I had a heavy burden of responsibility following the breakdown of my parents' marriage. I was seven.

Perhaps "inappropriate adultification" would cover it better.

I agree.

The worst case of 'mini-wife' or parentification I have ever seen though, has been with a 15 year old boy and his mother, and his parents were still married to one another.

I do think 'mini wife' is a horrible phrase.

Wow I've had my eyes opened by this thread. I had no idea this sort of thing went on.

stealth I think that's part of the problem here on MN at the moment - some of the issues that regular posting stepmums are facing are complex and (fortunately) rare, and outside the experience of the majority of posters.

Coupled with the fact that there are social and emotional reasons for responding posters to feel uncomfortable about the scenario described, and it often becomes easier for readers to dismiss or deny an OPs experience, rather than support or even just ignore it. There's evidence of that on this thread - posters denying the existence of evidence in favour of their own feelings. A natural reaction, but one which will undoubtedly create further emotional turmoil for the OP.

I remember the complete despair I felt when my own "Alice in Wonderland" experience with DSC and their Mum earlier this year was disbelieved and dismissed. It was happening, I was being honest, but it was so far outside some posters experience and left them feeling uncomfortable so their natural response was to challenge my perception, make accusations and accuse me of lying.