What an effing joke, not having posted on here recently - until this particular email from the Gods who are MumsNet!

[Tappergirl]

Hi Tappergirl,

We wanted to drop you a line about your posts on Mumsnet, because we've have had a few reports from other posters about them, particularly your posts on the step parenting threads. And when we took a look, we could understand why other posters thought they broke our Talk Guidelines (www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette).

We know that step-parenting has become quite a fraught area of the site, and that two opposing 'camps' of posters seem to have emerged. Our take on this is that everyone is welcome to post in the Step-parents topic - so long as they do so within our Talk Guidelines - and we'd really appreciate it if everyone concerned in the bad feeling could step back a bit and concentrate on the issues raised by each thread, rather than thrashing out ongoing disputes with other posters.

Our aim is to make parents' lives easier by pooling and sharing advice and support, and we ask members to respect each other's opinions, even when they don't agree with them. We do understand that everyone can get a bit het up on the internet from time to time, but we'd be grateful if you could bear this in mind in future.

Step parenting is never easy, so we think a bit of peace, love and support wouldn't go amiss. And please rest assured that you are by no means the only poster we're contacting about this.

Thanks and best,
MNHQ

Nicki - I think it's your vitriolic rubbish that has led to some of the recent bun fights here, not my post.

Like what?

I think meetyourcats" post should be put at the top of the step parenting boards, so everyone can see what they're dealing with.*
Amen.

Quelle surprise.

And yet I'm not deleted nearly as much as others on this board.........

If by "vitriolic rubbish" you mean arguing strenuously against children being called "stupid" and being labelled as "mini wives" then i hold my hands up to it. if you call that "causing a fight" again I hold my hands up to it. However I think most decent people, step parents or otherwise, would not consider it to be so, so I am quite comfortable with my stance and posting on this board and I would in fact be extremely surprised if you could find many posts of mine here on this board that has not been provoked by such opinions. Good luck looking .

I can only assume you've never witnessed a mini-wife yourself.

And yet again Petal is the one who starts throwing insults!.

The step-parenting board does need to change, imo. Oh, and I probably am allowed to post that because I am a step-parent and a second wife!

Fairy caravan, you obviously haven!t read the whole thread ......

I avoid this place like the plague.

What is mini wife to you Petal?

I don't believe I have no, because it would never occur to me to use that term, I find it disgusting.

Perhaps you should approach MNHQ with your thoughts on the posting guidelines petal? They're clearly getting it ALL wrong. Perhaps you could use examples from your last couple of posts to show them how they should be doing things?

Yes I have Petal, from the start to the finish. My opinion remains the same.

It's worth bearing in mind that those who moderate these boards could be "first wives" who don't like "second wives" very much ......

I do think this is antogonistic - but beleive that a related, or possibly underlying point is sound.

We are all influenced by our experiences and social conditioning. Judges, magistrates, social workers, CAFCASS officers, and forum moderators all subconsciously apply their own values to a situation. Mediators undergo extensive training in order to overcome those natural tendencies, or at least to recognise them and withdraw from a case if necessary.
My DH and I recently received an apology from a CAFCASS officer who had applied his own values during a wishes and feelings interview with DSS; his questioning was based on an assumption he made based on incomplete information and by his admission, it significantly influenced the way in which DSS responded during the interview. Unfortunately, it can't be undone, (any more than a jury can disregard information they hear in a court room that the judge orders them to) - its just human nature.

Sadly, what comes with experience is an acceptance that the well researched and documented social conditioning and attitude towards stepmums can't be changed overnight.

The two camps that MNHQ has described seem to be divided over this issue. On the one hand there are those who don't beleive it exists, and are adamant that all the negativity and unpleasant comments made about stepmums are justified and directed at individual behaviour. They deny being influenced by anything other then their own moral judgement. Then there is the other side who feel victimised and attacked and who leap to the defence of every stepmum who is criticised - and at times, I would put myself in that camp.

But really, it's not as simple, I don't think.

There are some selfish and questionable behaviours by some stepmums and there are some unjustified attacks on others, purely because they hold the title of stepmum.

But I think most posters fall somewhere in the middle - and their voices seem to be being lost at the moment.

I think step parents have a unique set of challenges that must be often be supremely difficult to deal with. I read some threads from wonderful step parents on here who are dealing with horrendous circumstances but posting asking for real help and there is real love in their posts. I don't tend to answer them because what can I say I am not a step parent myself at the moment.

However I was brought up in a family where my Mum was the step mum and she was horrendous to my half sister, so much so that we have no contact now . She has children the same age as mine, cousins to mine but we will never be allowed to know them, my Mum did everything in her power to remove my dads dd from our family and my Dad was too spineless to stop her and she succeeded. My other sister cannot have children due to illness so I will never know a niece or nephew and my dc will never know cousins. It's a tragic situation all round really.

I live with the rifts that this kind of jealously and anger creates and while I have been attacked on this thread as a trouble maker etc, I think my experiences entitle me to be here and have an opinion. Some of the things that are said on this board take me back to those times, my Mum never used the term "mini wife" but that's certainly how she acted.

Then I have a SIL who from the day she met her DP treated his ds as her own and loves him dearly despite his Mum being very aggressive and difficult for years. I forget he isn't hers most of the time.

I just cannot believe it is ever a young child's fault, it is the messed up adults around them that create this and they get to CHOOSE how they want to deal with the difficulties a blended family brings. The ONLY threads I ever take issue with are the ones where step children are being attacked. I am called a trouble maker on this thread, told I hate SM's on other threads. I challenge anyone to find a post of mine where I have played "step mother bingo", accused anyone of having been the OW or been personally hateful towards anyone just because they're a step mother. I have only ever challenged nasty viewpoints, hateful language aimed towards children, "mini wives" etc and refused to back down. That being labelled as petal chose to do so earlier in the thread says far more about her than it does me and if you feel victimised by disagreement then you may wish to consider if THAT is causing problems in your families along side all the other challenges there.

I think the way you have been treated on this thread and others is uncalled for Nicki.

I think the posters who are behaving this way towards you have shown their true colours.

Like you I believe it is wrong to call children such vile names and blame them for the behaviour that the adults around them have created. I also don't agree with being unpleasant to posters just because they are step mothers. I am not sure which 'camp' this puts me in but I am a step mother and a mother so if I can help a poster I will try.

Good post Wakey, and Nicky too.

We are all very coloured by our own experience. I'm a stepmum who has struggled with negative feelings about DSS, but done everything in my power to keep them inside, not show them to DSS or DP and 'fake it til I make it'. This board was a huge relief, to see other people going through the same and worse. So my 'bugbear' is seeing SMs post in frustration and then other posters assume they are acting on those feelings in real life, bringing out the 'poor child' line and assuming the very worst of the SM posting. My knee jerk reaction is to be very defensive of SMs in that situation. Whereas someone coming here from Nicky's background and experience probably has the opposite knee jerk reaction to the same post.

Well said. The whole mini-wife thing makes me queasy.

Agree with you entirely. Nicki.

The whole mini wife thing makes me queasy too, but it DOES exist.

Oh dear.

I'm sorry you feel upset Tapper but I think MNHQ's email was completely reasonable.

I've been on a few forums and never have I come across moderation like we get on MN. We're really very lucky here. Nowhere else I have been has had a team who are so dedicated to listening, responding and doing their best to sort out disputes without alienating any of the parties involved. It impressed me when I joined 4 years ago and it still impresses me now. On a lot of forums this thread would have been deleted without comment and you'd have been banned by now.

Tapper, I'm glad you're not banned because I have read quite a few of your threads under this and a previous name and I think you do really need support, however difficult it is for you to accept when support doesn't necessarily equate to agreement with your current viewpoint.

I hope you have by now left him and his DC and that you are finding life easier and more fulfilling in your own space. I wish you well

In what way does it exist Petal?
What does mini wife mean to you?