I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

There is no reason to suppose the op saw threads about a daily mail article. I am a pathetically prolific poster and I gave not seen either thread.

really? that's the two options exotic? no emotional blackmail there, then.

sorry about that, OP, it's give in to the pedicures or fatally damage your kid.

i think this is a bonkersly defensive place, amazingly so... what an opportunity this was to tell the OP how you, as step-parents, would like to be treated and how best to bring you on side. and you missed it, because you could not help but respond with a 'how dare you?' to the OP's anger. amazebo.

(good to see more moderate recent posts, though, hope they have helped the OP to clear her thinking a bit.)

never saw them either, chub, and it's my job to be on here looking around for fun threads...

I still just think the OP should have a chat with her ex and work together on parenting their daughter with compatible styles.

And the OP is entitled to her feelings [have gone all Oprah] no matter how unjustified they may be. But she has to work on not showing them to her daughter when she knows they're unreasonable.

And now am off to do my own pedicure

aitch if I posted on the SN boards about how I 'hated' the mum of an SN child in DDs class and how much I dislike DD being exposed to SN children - would I receive balanced, educational replies?

What if I posted in the TTC boards, angry about the fact that my friend wouldn't talk about anything else and how I wished shed'd get over herself and accept it?

I would rightly deserve a lynching for being so insensitive - why are step-mums expected to be more thick skinned?

NADM because step mums are a Mumsnet sub species.

isn't it more like 'i HATE the doctor who deals with my kid with SN as he/she never bothers to ask what i want?' i've seen heaps of those. or 'i hate that the otherwise medical staff treat my child like an idiot when they are perfectly smart.' or, as i have seen and indeed experienced 'i am jealous that the special care staff has purloined my premature baby'.

am pretty amazed that you could interpret her post in that way. actually i am amazed that you would draw a parallel with a woman having a kid call her Mummy-Sarah and doing girly bonding with being exposed to children with SN. (but then i am amazed that you think i have any negative feelings towards stepmums other than the ones that are insulting me on here for no reason other than they think no one but them knows pain)...

i think this is the defensiveness i'm talking about, in fact. this just isn't about you.

but then clearly you are all a gang (honest to god, the paranoia of thinking you are a sub-species on MN... that's teh Nobdies as any fule kno ) and you think of yourself as such. criticise one step mum and expect to get them all on your case...

amen, pocpoc.

"Unless your Ex is an idiot and Sarah is a complete bitch they should be willing to listen to you."

Bingo!

Good advice pocpoc.

Unless by "willing to listen to you" you mean "willing to do exactly as you say" that is

Absoultely agreed

The OP'er may have added an inflammatory post to the step -parents board through ignorance or design; I am sorry that I (and others) have failed to live up to the high expectations that you have of me, aitch.

isn't it more like 'i HATE the doctor who deals with my kid with SN as he/she never bothers to ask what i want?' i've seen heaps of those. or 'i hate that the otherwise medical staff treat my child like an idiot when they are perfectly smart.' or, as i have seen and indeed experienced 'i am jealous that the special care staff has purloined my premature baby'.

In the scenarios you describe, the OP is a mum a child with SN posting on the SN board, or a mum of a prem baby posting on the prem baby boards.
In this thread, the OP is not a step-mum - but has chosen to rant about her DD's step-mum, not on the board set up for women in her situation (lone parents), but on the board where her DD step-mum may well be a member.

Why are step-mums expects to "take the opportunity" to explain rationally and calmly respond to a post that expresses hostility and hatred towards someone in their own situation?

i am amazed that you would draw a parallel with a woman having a kid call her Mummy-Sarah and doing girly bonding with being exposed to children with SN.

To me, being a step-mum, and living the chaos and drama that many of us experience on a day to day basis is just as significant as having a child with special needs. My DSS has been diagnosed with anxiety, caused by the responses of others to my presence in his life. My DSD is estranged from her Dad, because of the responses of others to my presence in her life.

I am naturally sensitive about an issue which impacts on every aspect & decision of my life, that causes my own DD distress, that leaves me questioning my values and beliefs, that results in judgement from others. I am sorry that you expect more of me.

With Regards to other post in which daughter is supposedly 9 - I just looked through it and I cannot see where I have claimed she is 9? To set the record straight she is 6, I probably mistyped or something in the other one, if you remember the subject of the thread, I was quite upset and typing rather quickly... :)

don't be. just be aware of it next time when responding to someone venting like the OP is doing.

lots of deletions on this thread. for the record i didn't report anything, absolutely not my style. much prefer people hoist by their own petard.

anyway loopsy, i hope you're feeling a bit more like it now and will take pocpoc's advice.

I don't want to turn into one of those horrid women that are always talked about on these boards. The ones that don't let their kids see their dad at all or poison their childrens thoughts about their stepmothers. I'm just having a hard time getting to grips with everything. I keep having nightmares that Sarah will try and take custody :'(

(which i know is stupid, but i have them all the same :()

loopsylou - I hope you have got some advice which is useful to you on this thread, it's certainly been lively.
One thing I think that has through a lot, is the experience of people who have seen really negative outcomes stemming from hostility between parents/steps and how that affects the children. Personally, I've been there too - as well as being a step parent, I am also a step 'child' too, with an extremely hostile step mother who has more or less refused to have any contact with me and has made it very difficult for me to have a relationship with my father - they have been married for more than 15 years and I have seen her maybe 4 times. It's affected my relationship with my father because I am angry that he has allowed this situation to arise by not being more assertive and reasonable.
However, I can and do sympathise with your feelings, but I hope having had a vent on here you can find a way to communicate with your ex and Sarah in a calm and mature way to help foster good relationships without treading on anyones toes. No one can replace you in your daughters affections. But having two families who love and care for her and make her feel wanted and welcome will be a good thing in the long run for your DD.

Ok Op as someone accused of being a child stealing whore - (not by you clearly) - she doesn't want to take your daughter - she just wants your daughter to be haPpy when she is there.

I say "a stepmother is the mother in her own home" - that's not DDs mother - you and your daughter will always have a wonderful, mother daughter bond - nothing at all - ever - will replace that.

Your daughter will always love mummy most.

Believe me, I and many others here know how hard this is for you - but it was hard for your ex when you remarried.

Let the step mum love dd - your relationship with dd can only be strengthened by that.

loopsylou Have you had any thoughts on how to move forward following the advice on here?

loopsy - for your own peace of mind, I suggest you read up on Section 8 of the Children's Act; which deals with residency, custody, specific issue orders and the like. perhaps even go along to chat to the CAB, as well.

Once you understand how the current system works (custody is no longer a legal term, for instance), I am sure that it will reassure you that no-one can "steal" your DD.

You are very lucky that Sarah is making so much of an effort with your DD I appreciate it is difficult for you though. Is Sarah's contact with your DD relatively new? It must be much harder for your DD if Sarah has been kept out of her life until now