I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

Oh what a lovely post MrsWobble

Just to be clear - the advice I'm giving is the advice of a mum whose 5 year old's stepmum bought her a build a bear with a voice inside it saying "I saw this bear and thought of you, love you so much insert-private-pet-name"

and my DD kicked all of her long loved bears out of bed to give it pride of place.

Oh BOM - that's so sad.

To athinginyourlife and mrscampbell I presume the step mother cleared it with the father and in which case he has every right to decide whether his DD has her nails done or not.

The child is not the possession of it's mother and that is something we all have to face as seperated parents. Getting all aggy everytime the "other family" do something you don't like shows very bad judgement. Unless it is blatently unsafe of course.

Well I still think if relationship is good with ex its worth chatting about what they both think is appropriate for a 6 year old. Surely there should be some general consensus.

I can imagine I may have done something similar to the stepmother before I had children as may have misjudged whats appropriate for a 6 year old.

Of course may be the nails were very subtle and the mini skirt was boden

And if she's 'prim and proper' as the OP said - am guessing she hadn't decked the little girl out as a mini Katie Price

I notice actually that it was dd's toenails that were done - to me that does suggest a choice made by a woman who was thinking 'toes not fingers because toes will be nice for dsd but won't look in any way obvious or age inappropriate like fingers might'. Mini skirt - whose little girls wear short skirts and tights? Mine certainly do.

my dds had friends whose parents divorced when they were toddlers, both parents remarried and lived only a few streets away so it was easy for the kids to move between houses. The kids called both step parents - openly - mum and dad, as they did their birth parents. They had two sets of "mum and dad".

If I was dropping them back home I'd often have to ask which house they were going to and they would say "mum and stepdad" or "dad and stepmum" so they weren't confused - I don't know who made the decision for them to do that, but it clearly worked for all of them.

What does your dd call your dp? If she called him "daddydave" for example would that help you?

I agree with others who say don't challenge her on what she calls her step-mum. My DS (who hasn't seen his father for 5 years) called him dad and his now DW by her name. He started referring to them both by name and I wondered if I should be stopping it. MN consensus was no! Last week he announced he doesn't miss his dad. I thought that would make me feel good but it doesn't.

Your DD has 4 adults in her life to love and respect her, to go to when she's upset. That's a bonus surely? Much better than only 1?

I appreciate it's hard for you but agree as she grows up she'll carry on defining the adults in her life as who they are, she'll decide for herself what they mean to her. I would imagine the mummySarah bit comes off the back of an explanation to DD about who she is and her role when DD visits. I very much doubt a 6yo has put/ will put as much thought into it as an adult would!

I agree about talking to exH about suitable activities. It has to be agreed, but remember he has a right to decide things as much as you probably make decisions without consulting him.

Lovely post Mrswobbly and a good example of how we feel when we have to share our children. My dd had a step mum at a similar age and she was more girly than me and did the nail painting, hair plaiting etc. It did initially hurt but the strong emotion was caused by my insecurity. Years later the step mum is still on the scene and I have a fantastic relationship with my dd. More importantly she has had a positive experience of step parenting and that has meant she has had a happy childhood. Loving our children means we have to act in very unselfish ways at times.

Rationally I guess you know that that your child can't be stolen from you - she will always love her mum. The end result is what is important - Is your child happy and secure? From your comments and the ways she talks about Sarah it suggests she is..That's brilliant. The opposite of that is a child who feels divided loyalties and can't mention the step mum, they are sadly the ones who end up with severe emotional difficulties, typically when they are teens.

Play the long game and your lovely daughter will be so grateful to you for your emotional maturity when she is older.

I'm not sure anyone has "the right" to unilaterally decide to turn a child into JonBenet Ramsey.

If my DH ever saw fit to choose to treat one of our little girls as a sex object in training I would speak to him about it, and voice my concerns as a woman about what he was doing to our daughters.

If we had split up, I would still voice those concerns because they would still be our daughters that we parent together.

A stepmother has no business making important decisions like that it's OK for a 6 year old to be primped in a beauty salon if she is not being raised as a sex object.

I think the buying of clothes, the revolting "spa day" girly bullshit with a small child and the "mummy" name all in one weekend from a woman who just found out she will never be a mother screams of an adult using a child for her own emotional needs.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Not everyone who loves a child wants what's best for them.

An emotional vampire stepmother is not a good thing.

Not surprised you're upset about the mummy thing. I am a stepmum and my DSD asked if she should call me mummy when I married her dad. I said that it was lovely she wanted to (it really was lovely) - but that it would upset her real mummy, so she should carry on calling me by my name, and still introduce me as her stepmum. I wish I didn't have to say that but I knew it was the right thing to do.

She does have me on FB now as 'mother' but that's only because they don't have step/half/etc options on it. Which is silly of FB IMO but that's irrelevant here!

I would be annoyed at the miniskirt thing, definitely. Regular clothes fine, grown up ones, no!

athing - come on the kid had her toenails 'beautifully' painted. She hasn't gone blonde or had false eyelashes installed. I think describing the stepmum as an emotional vampire is really horrible. You know nothing other than that this woman is trying to forge a loving relationship with her stepdaughter - who is likely to be the only child she has to have a close relationship with - sounds perfectly healthy and normal to me.

Building a good relationship with your partners child is not weird. Taking a 6yr old who isnt yours for a spa day and getting their toenails painted is a decidedly odd thing to do. The Xmummy thing also bothers me. If SM had any judgement at all she would know all this would upset the childs mum. At best this is extremely tactless, but to me it smacks of SM trying to 'mark' some territory with this little girl

I would be raging if any of my children called another woman mummy tbh

fuzzpig - FB have introduced stepmum now. I've got my stepmum on there, appropriately labelled.

Your EX and his new wife should not be allowing her to call her 'MummySarah'

On the other hand its nice that your EXs wife is interested and trying to forge a good relationship with your DD, much better that than the opposite.

All the 'girly' stuff is personal in the sense that some women dont want to over do that sort of thing with their daughters and I can understand if you are not happy about it for those reasons.

I have been where you are and know how you feel :(

I remember having a similar rant to my mom about my ex's new GF :(

My mom saw through it all when she said "So, would you prefer she hated your kids? Would you prefer she was cruel and mean to them?"

It's true. It hurts like hell but the alternative is even more horrible :(

Please be sure that your DD does not love you less because she loves other people. Love multiplies, not divides. Like when you have a second child, your love does not divide in 2, it multiplies by 2.

The calling her mummy would be a step too far for me though an I would speak to ex about it

Hi,

I dont have any experience in your position, because my dad remarried when i was in my twenties, but i understand it must be hard to hear of another mummy.

However, remember that love does not divide, it multiplies, so your daughter will not love you less, and will love her dads wife differently. So many people had miserable childhoods due to stepmums that didnt like them etc, so she can bring sonething to your daughters life, and if you think about it, its often something of a challenge to take on a child from a previous partner's relationship...you will never bevtheir 'number one'.

The real issue is that you sing from more or less the same songsheet: dont sweat the small stuff...and toenail painting isnt a big deal. If pedicures are exactly the kind of defining moments you want to share yourself, then have a chat about it, but if its not up your street, then let them do that together, and you do the stuff important to you with your daughter.

Stepmum can probably bring a lot of stability to a childs life...encouraging a stable home with her father; financual security so dad isnt living in a bedsit so as to afford child support, babysitting in the home if your exp needs to go out etc..

Hope it works out over time, but i admit id cry a bit inside if i heard my daughter calling someone else mummy.

There's no mention that dad & stepmum have encouraged the little girl to call stepmum MummySarah - this could just as easily be something that the little girl has come up with on her own, either because she's a bit confused or even just likes hte sound of it. My stepson often called me mum occasionally, which I ignored mostly, because it's only because he saw me in a similar role to his mum. Doesn't mean anything. He also calls his dad by his given name rather than Dad sometimes, and calls his stepdad Dad because of younger siblings and his stepdad having brought him up from when he was small.

It sounds like it would it be easier for you if Sarah was mean to your DD, or ignored her, so that your DD was miserable/unhappy/scared when she visits her Dad. You wouldn't have to pretend to be pleased that DD has had a good time at her Dads, and you could sympathise and console her - maybe even allowing her to opt out of visits to her Dad because of "meanie Sarah".

Even if Sarah is nice to your DD, you could still discourage your DD from being comfortable with her, or wanting to do things involving her stepmum. You could even tell your DD that you don't like Sarah, and that she has no right to have anything to do with her - that is bound to cause your DD some conflict but eventually she will remain loyal to you over Sarah, and maybe even over her Dad, too.

By keeping up that kind of subtle pressure as she grows up, your DD's relationship with her Dad will grow more and more distant; eventually, she may decide not to see her Dad at all.

Of course, when your DD grows up, and realises that you contributed to the estrangement between her and her Dad, there is a risk that she will reject you - but at least you will have experienced all those "firsts" you are so desperate to share now.

^

Every professional we have spoken to said it is best to let the kids make up their own mind what they call people. So tread carefully with this one. If your ex has suggested the name, then yes suggest to him he stops pushing it. But if your little girl has come up with it, let it lie. She'll probably drop it again soon enough.

I am a stepmum and a mum. Whatever my DSS calls me (it changes depending on what mood he is in and whether he likes me or hates me that week), I will never come close to his mum. You don't need to feel insecure about a name, you are the only mum your little girl will ever have.

I'm not sure what kind of stability you can expect from an adult woman so emotionally stunted that she tries to be bezzie mates gal pals with a 6 year old.

And here lies one of the problems for stepmums, they can never do anything right.

If they take an auntie role - they get criticised for trying to be mates.

If they take a strict role - they get criticised for trying to be mum.

If they take a hands-off approach - they get criticised for not caring enough.

I don't see a problem with trying to do nice things with a child. No-one would bat an eyelid if I did something similar with my nieces.

It's a projection too far to suggest the op would prefer Sarah was actively unkind to her daughter just because she doesn't want her to call another woman "mummy". If my children called someone else mummy I would hit the fucking roof.