I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

but it doesn't give you pause at all? really?

BOM apology accepted.

I have no idea why I am still talking to you it's quite baffling really.

Of course it made me think - I apologised to Amber and am thinking about how you really can't assume things about people on internet forums because you can be so wrong. It's a learning curve. A bit like how I'm sure some people are re-thinking a lot fo assumptions they made about "sarah". I'm also thinking about how when you feel so passionatley about something emotions run very high and I'm fairly embarassed by the fact that happened to me.

But having been through 2 years of councelling and spent hours upon hours researching (and experiencing) the effects that OP's attitude is much more than likely to have on a child I am quite certain that all of my opinions on the matter are correct. You have given me no cause to beleive that you are more of an authority on the matter than me and as professionals would agree with my stance on the matter I'd not inclined to go along with anything you have said.

crossed posts with prettyfly - thanks.

I'm right behind you NADM - feeling ambarrassed I got involved in that maddness. What a weird thread.

Blimey...

it's not my opinion that would give her pause, not at all, i have no opinion on people who hang around on the SP board and whether they are scared that their husbands are about to run off with someone else.

look, clearly this is quite the clique here and you lot will brook no opposition. as i said before, i just feel for the OP walking into this thinking she might get some unbiased support. another big mistake.

Experience is not the same thing as bias.

There are topics it's not safe to stray into aitch. Doghouse, feminism, education and now it's seems this one. Shame.

" I am quite certain that all of my opinions on the matter are correct. You have given me no cause to beleive that you are more of an authority on the matter than me and as professionals would agree with my stance on the matter I'd not inclined to go along with anything you have said."

this is amazebo, btw.

gawd, so it would seem, chubhouse, so it would seem... i'm astonished by this.

A) one thread dOes not a forum make
B) posters here are not atypical step parents - atypical step parents don't need to post for help
C) most posters here are dealing with children who are extremely damaged by the sense of ownership shown in the OP
D) the op does not indicate any sort of a child centred approach

youarekidding, sorry, didn't see your post before. the way you are conducting yourself sounds very sensible and admirable.

as a stepdaughter myself, the relationship i felt most at ease with was the one where my stepparent treated me as 'their own' so to speak and they didn't have any children of their own either and now at 34 yo I love them as a parent. This is a good thing isnt it? I understand your jealousy and hurt, but I don't know many women who were taken out for their first pedicure by their mother either, i think you are putting too much emphasis on it because of how you feel. Just remember your exH will have hadthe same emotions about your husband too over the years and unfortunately this is something that happens in remarried families (they used to be called blended families, but I don't know if that is PC anymore ) i would just be happy that they are having a nice equal relationship and she is loved by all of you. It's all any child wants and needs isnt it? :)

I completely agree with you, Agincourt.

Let's not forget what this ill-feeling stems from, - the OP talks of the love and adoration for her daughter by her DH, her daughter's stepfather . So this step-adoration is ok by the OP and I suspect she hasn't given a second thought to how her ex may feel about another man adoring his daughter and living with her.

And yet she feels hate and resentment toward a stepmother who cares for her and wants to do nice things with her.

It's the OP who needs to correct herself, no-one else.

i just feel for the OP walking into this thinking she might get some unbiased support.

If the OP expected unbias support from step-mums by entitling a thread accusing her DD's step-mum of "stealing her baby" and hating her for it then perhaps she needs to rethink her communication style? It is, at the very least, confrontational in tone!

Less than 24 hours prior to this thread being started, there was a discussion in both AIBU and on this board about a DM article in which the author expressed similar views, and the bunfight debate that followed was a very similar to the one here. I am sure that the OP saw those discussions and factored them into her decision to post here

And where is the Op?

The language is emotive. You steal possessions -and people are never possessions.
You hopefully want your DC to be loved by anyone they spend time with.

She also isn't a baby-she is old enough to make her own relationships-hopefully she won't be made to feel guilty.

In what way is a child having an "equal" relationship with an adult a good thing?

I didn't really mean equal like that, I meant that she is treated as herself rather than trying to be someone else and that she is allowed to be loved by other people. As parents we don't need to keep our children under wrath in situations like this :(

It is really a simple question.

1. Would you like your DC to go to her father's house and be a loved part of the family with her visit looked forward to and planned with her happiness in mind?

or

1. Would you like your DC to go to her father's house where his partner tolerates the visits, has no plans and is a rival for his attention?

I would say it is no contest. You can't have the ideal, DD all the time and so you need to be pleased for her.
It doesn't matter how many people your DD loves she will always love you to bits. (the only way you can mix her up is to make her feel guilty for enjoying herself, loving her step mother and making her feel she has to withhold information)

Be generous and it will pay dividends in the long term.