I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

Well she is her step mother

I'd be happy they have such a good relationship tbh

It doesn't mean she's replacing you but you'd be the same if you remarried and were a stepmother too

Gosh I really feel for you.

I am not a step-parent but had step-parents and would never have called them mummy-xxxx - I do think thats wrong.

But you know its good she has lots of people in her life who will love her (your DD that is).

How well do you get on with ex? Could you have a chat with him about boundaries at all or things that you'd prefer they didn't do - I mean I wouldn't be impressed at a 6 year old having a pedicure or miniskirt to be honest.

I would be upset at the mummy thing

Can you have a word about that?

Any advice? This woman obviously cares about your child and about your ex. She has made a permanent commitment to them both and you are going to have to live with that. No reason why she shouldn't buy her clothes. If you make a thing of it then you will just make your dd tense about this. How sad that would be.
Yes they do need bonding time - God willing 'Sarah' will be your daughter's step mother for the rest of her life. It's completely unreasonable to expect them not to have a relationship.
The mummy-sarah thing - well personally I hate that but a lot of people use that type of name. As your daughter grows most likely thing is that she'll drop the mummy and just call her Sarah. Where's the harm for now though - it doesn't change anything for you. Again - if you make a thing of it you just create something for your dd to feel upset and tense about - that she must remember not to upset you.
'Special times' - ok you need to be grown up and say to Sarah 'Thank you for treating dd, that was lovely. I am looking forward to doing x or y with her myself. Would you mind making sure that I can do that for her 'first' time please as it is important to me' If she's reasonable she'll say 'yes, do you mind though if I do a or b' and you can go from there.
Through no choice of your own you have to share your dd with another woman. You can hate that and fight it but you won't get any place good with that and you risk making your precious dd very unhappy. So work with it. Grit your teeth and smile and PICK YOUR BATTLES! Don't fight over the little stuff but clear about what are the major issues.

Don't assume the Mummy Sarah was necessarily deliberate - I used to babysit occasionally for a little girl when I was about 15/16 who sometimes referred to me as her other mummy - kids at that age get confused easily, it's why lots of primary school teachers often get called mummy.
I think speaking to your ex about it is probably best, something along the lines of how happy you are that his wife loves your daughter so much, but that there are certain things you'd rather you introduced her to/did with her first. How would he feel if you had a new man who got to do certain things with her first, before your ex? I speak as a stepmum who was once told I'd never see my DSS until he started school (my husband's ex left him before their son was born), but a bit of mature conversation has ironed out most issues.

I would be devastated bt you have to focus on a few things. Firstly, that you cannot do anything to change this situation. This woman is part of your dd's life. It is inevitable that they will spend time together. Secondly, it is actually a good thing that they get along. The brutal truth is that if she had a disfunctional relationship with her step-mother it could impact negatively on her mental health. As it is, she has an extra person who cares about her. The step-mother will never replace you. She will only ever be a bonus. It is testament to YOU that the pair of them get along. The step-mother likes your dd because you have brought her up to be good company and nice and polite and generally speaking, a likeable kid. Remember, your dd is not a possession. She does not belong to you or to anyone exclusively. One day she will leave home and possibly have a family of her own.

Having said that I think you would be well within your rights to object to 'mummy' Sarah, unless of course the name was your dd's in which case I think you'd have to accept it.

I would ask your DD to stop calling her mummy.

It must be hard for you but at least she is nice to your DD.

See Crackfox - that's exactly what I wouldn't do. How unfair to put that on the child. She's six - for a start she won't remember 100% and then everytime she forgets she'll feel crap. I'm sure that's not what the OP wants.

Can see why you're upset about the mummy thing, but I wouldn't sweat it that you didn't take your daughter for her first pedicure.

She'll get over it, I'm sure.

The stepmum should tell the child not to call her mummy

I understand why you are upset, but it is far far more important that this woman cares for your dd.

Remember that you and dd can still go and have a pedicure/whatever, it will still be the first time that you have done it together. It really doesn't matter that she's been somewhere with the other woman.

And also remember that you are her mum, and the other woman can take her to Disneyland and shower her with gold every weekend, but nothing will change that, and nothing will change the face that you are her mum and she loves you best.

Also, my parents divorced when I was two. My mum remarried when I was five, and I called him Pops until my sister was born three years later - then I started calling him Dad, partly because he is like a Dad to me (and loves me just as much) but also because it was easier for my sister to learn Daddy if we both called him the same. Now, as an adult, I know how devastated my real Dad was by this, and still is to be honest, but now I try to refer to my stepdad by name in front of my real Dad. But to my Dad's eternal credit he never made a fuss in front of me about what I called my stepdad - they don't have anything on common really, but get on and compromise for my sake. That's how it has to work in families with step-parents, siblings etc. A great deal of maturity and compromise is needed by the adults, in order to do the best for the kids.

OKay loopsylou as a fellow mother and a fellow woman I feel your pain. I DO understand.

But please, please seek some help over this. Just a few sessions with a therapist to talk through your feelings will be so beneficial to your DD.

She will pick up on your insecurities and will realise quickly that having a good time with SArah is something that makes Mummy sad. She will feel torn and uncomfortable and guilty and all the horrible things we don't want our children to ever feel.

Sarah is basically just another person in your DDs life. Like an aunt or a close frined of yours or her Dads. She will never have the bond that the two of you have. But as your DD grows up she will have this person around when you are not there and it is absolutely essential that she has a bond with that person.

Re the "mummyxxx2" thing. My DD went through this stage when her Dad moved in with his fiance. It stopped after a while and I never made her feel uncomfortable about it. She's just testing you saying "Is it okay that I am comfortable with this other woman mummy? Is it okay that i went and had my nails done with her and enjoyed it? Is it okay that I am not sad all the time i amnot with you" You need to be givingthe message that al lof those things are okay.

This list may be helpful to you... had my step daughter's mother paid attention to it we wouldn't now be dealing with an angry, confussed and sad teenager.

www.brainwashingchildren.com/2011/09/the-10-commandments-of-divorced-parenting/

This stepmum is making a real effort with your daughter, and hard as it is for you, it really is better for your little girl that she feels loved, welcomed and accepted in both her homes.
I got a stepmum when i was 5, in my little girl mind i wanted to please her, so i used to write on the back of school pictures...dear new mummy, and to my birth mother....dear old mummy. As an adult i can see that was probably hurtful, but as a child it was meant lovingly, let your daughter call her whatever she wants for now.

lol at dear old mummy

"Dear Old Mummy" hahahahahahaha

You cruel child, you!

Calling her 'mummy' when theyve only been married eight months is inappropriate. Have a word with your ex.

As a mother of two DCs who have a "stepmother" who shows no interest in them and would clearly rather they weren't around, I think you are quite lucky!

Though, that said, I do appreciate how hard it is sometimes to have to your DCs getting close to other people when you're all outside that situation - My ex's MIL was staying with him recently and every time my DD came back with beautifully platted hair - that her SM's mother had done for her. It looked loved but I was quite hurt that she'd never asked me to do her a french plait, won't allow me to try, and still doesn't believe I can do them!

But by smiling through gritted teeth, you're doing the right thing. Sounds like you know that the problem is yours really, and there's not anything to do about it. Just need to try and make the best of it, bite your toungue and let your DD enjoy the extra relationship she has in her life. You're still her DM, and there are no shortage of fun times that you'll have with her. But much better she's having nice times when she's not with you too. You wouldn't want her bored, fed up and missing you whenever she's with her dad would you? You can't have too many people that love and care about you.

Personally, I'd ignore the "MummySarah" reference, but make a point of using just Sarah if you're talking back to her, and she'll hopefully pick up on that being the name to use.

Craparinha she didn't call her "mummy" she called her "mummysarah" which shows that she understands she is different from her mother but that she is testing out exactly where she fits in to her life and whether her mum is comfortable with the same things that she is.

Any child psychologist twill tell you not to challenge her on what labels she wants to give her step mother.

I totally get the whole working together thing as parents but any of you who are step-mothers would you do stuff like take a 6 year old for a pedicure/buy a miniskirt?

I'm pretty sure if I was in that situation I'd be treading carefully and not doing anything like that.

Or do you just thing that at least she's being nice to the DD so you put up with stuff like that?

Please don't mention the 'mummy-sarah' thing to her - my foster dd occasionally calls me mummy and is then mortified when she has done as she has a relationship with her real mum - it's just I'm a female around her all the time and I do 'mum' type stuff (feeding, guiding etc). It just slips out occasionally.

I totally understand it's like a stab through the heart for you but honestly a child can never have too much love/too many people adoring her.

I would lose the plot if any fucker treated my 6 year old as a little sexy dress up doll.

How revolting.

Unless I was raising my child to be a stripper I would be having serious words with my DH about his nutty wife and her wildly inappropriate trying to be gal pals with a child.

Oh I think the step-mother is trying to be nice and do fun stuff but my feeling is that its just too grown up for a 6 year old and thats what I'd have the real issue with to be honest.

I have no experience of step families but think i can understand your emotions since I had something of the same reaction as my children developed a relationship with our nanny. this was different in that she was being paid so i could, at least in theory, tell her what to do in a way you almost certainly can't - so i appreciate your position is harder. However, what I wanted to say, 15 years on, is that just keep remembering that children don't have a limited supply of love - the love your daughter will develop for her step mother does not in any way reduce the love she has available for you. The only way that will be impacted is if you make her feel bad about her relationship with her step mother.

I can completely understand that this is hard - I remember helping my daughter wrap up a christmas decoration she had made in reception thinking that every other child would be giving it to their mother and she wanted to give it to our nanny - and i still feel upset about it 12 years on. But I'm fairly sure my daughter has completely forgotten about it - it didn't have the special signficance to her that I read into it.

What I'm sure you want, more than anything else, is for your daughter to feel loved, secure and happy. Her relationship with her stepmother could increase this without diminishing your own relationship with your daughter - you just need to try and keep perspective and remember that. She will love you both - not equally but differently - and it doens't need to be a competition so don't make it one. You will always be her mother and that makes your relationship automatically special if you let it.

Good luck - there will be so many special moments throughout the rest of your daughter's life and, as her mother, you will be there for many of them. I wish you both well.