I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

Aitch, I think you are trying to misunderstand - the last post highlights how the rules change according to your gender. A mum can introduce a partner and it's acceptable for the new partner to be called Daddy even if the dad is around. However it would never be acceptable for a step mum to be called Mum. I agree with this however, a child has 1 mum & dad.

Also the posts here have been supportive - no one has called her crazy for having these thoughts. She has had lots of constructive input and reassurance. As the OP isn't coming back I think the issue can't be resolved.

I have an excellent relationship with my ex and my DD's step mum..it is possible and it is in the best interests of child.

Aitch - I never called her evil, although one of the earlier posts on this thread seemed to feel it OK to call the SM in question a "fucker" for daring to care for her stepchild and doing some nice things with her. You are the one saying that our stance is not credible. Why is it so hard for you to accept that some of us are dealing with incredibly difficult situations?

Aitch - if I had a positive relationship with my DSC mum, and was a welcome part of their lives, I wouldn't have joined MN and be posting on this board.

Similarly, if I had a positive relationship with my exH, I wouldn't post on the lone parents board.

MN is not representative of society in general - so the advice given is always going to be coloured by the experiences that brought posters here in the first place

It sounds from the OP as if the stepmother Sarah means incredibly well. But, because she hasn't got children of her own, she doesn't get that she is (a) stepping on the OP's legitimate toes (b) mini-skirts and pedicures are not universally considered acceptable for 6 year olds, and that no adult (not even her father!) should take a 6 year old girl for a pedicure and mini-skirt outing without consulting her mother.

i have no doubt whatsoever that you are dealing with incredibly difficult situations, no doubt at all. what i take issue with is the idea that they are solely caused by the real mum and that you and your dhs have no part to play other than long-suffering victim. which is absolutely how this thread portrays it.

not sure what caused that outburst prettyfly, and if i did misunderstand libby's post it is only because what she is saying is palpably untrue. you don't think that most people would find it inappropriate that the first time a child meets his new stepfather is in his mother's bed? really? on MN?

likewise "A mum can introduce a partner and it's acceptable for the new partner to be called Daddy even if the dad is around." acceptable to whom? not my dh, that's for sure, he'd hit the roof. and i'd say that would be the general feel on MN.

i guess i just feel for the OP. posting here looking for sincere support was the worst idea ever.

I think it must be very difficult to be a stepmother when you have no children of your own and are never going to have any. I have a fellow stepmother friend who has three stepsons. She has been an exemplary stepmother to the first two, having them to live FT with her and their father for four years when their mother went abroad with her new husband and managing their school etc when their father was very busy working abroad.

But she is now angling to have the third stepson come to live with her and I think it is overstepping the mark.

Aitch - I know that both DP and myself have contributed to the estrangement of DSD - we had no idea how to deal with the hostility and anger that she was experiencing and we made some catastrophic errors

As for the OP'er, given the timing of her post, I think she was well aware of what to expect from the stepmum board; there had been a similar discussion in relation to the DM article both here and on AIBU - and there were very few sympathisers for the 'mum' in that case, either

Yes, agreed Bonsoir.

I think you need to take a look at the threads again in that case Aitch. How many of us on here have talked about disney parenting for instance, or read the thread on the woman whose partner is allowing the sd to stay off school every thursday and the poster is considering calling the mother in as she is in agreement that it is wrong. Or my posts, where I state categorically that yes, we do make mistakes as we do with our own children. My issue with you is that you are seeing exactly what you want to see and I am interested to know why?

I agree with Aitch in that there is a lot of projection on here, but yes it happens on the relationships board too.

There is an underlying theme that mothers/ex wives are difficult etc, but then of course people will post about negative experiences more.

What I do think is a tad hypocritical is that the OP is 'venting'..........or at least if she were a step mum posting about her feelings on a step situation thats what she would be doing.......clearly it doesnt work both ways.

I was in a step family as a child. You are right to be concerned about the 'mummy' thing. And I didn't having a living mum, so my stepmother who helped bring me up from age 12 or so may have had more of a right than this woman has. That is totally beyond the pale. Even after 40 years I never ever would call my stepmother 'mum' or any variant of that. I'd be concerned the ex allowed it - sounds like he's pointscoring.

I would definitely put my foot down about that one, whatever else I let pass.

Re. the step mummy thing generally - my stepmother started out showering me with presents, attention, etc. Once my dad was firmly under the thumb, all that stopped and was replaced by utter hatred/neglect.

It's a rule - the 'kindness' and gifts of early step parenting should be chalked up to 'creeping' - it's how they act to the child after 2 years, 5 years etc where you see the true colours. I would be wary of anyone who says it is a good thing - either they have never been a step child, or they want to have one at some point. Reality is different.

I also guess as a childless woman, this one is going to stake more of a claim in your child and only will want to get more involved as time goes on. I'd be very watchful of the situation. And knock them down the instant they cross any lines you don't want crossing.

gawd, prettyfly, you are imagining things. i have no reason to see anything other than i read on here.

agree totally about venting btw, Amberleaf. as it happens, i didn't realise this had been posting on 'stepparenting' when i first read it, as i saw it on active convos. the 'other woman' could have been the lollipop lady for all i knew.

anyway, reading it i was thinking 'gosh, this woman's getting a funny reaction' and it was only later that i worked out that she'd actually posted her vent in the lioness's den as it were.

Aitch - you hit the nail on the head with the term long-suffering. Unless you have experienced it yourself, it is hard to imagine how debilitating this is, how badly it can affect your life and your relationships. If there was an easy solution then I suspect most of us would have reached out for it.

well i'm sure that's absolutely true, Libby. but remember, the OP is right at the beginning of a life-long relationship with this woman... maybe give her an insight into how you would have liked to be treated or approached by the mothers of your step-children, rather than tell her she should shut up now or risk future estrangement.

Yh Aitch, I usually only get sucked into step parenting threads through active conversations too!

Lordy, I got a tsk! What I meant was that the OP had posted a that her daughters step mother 'adores her'. I find that really, really sad. The kids are the most important thing in everything. If the step mother 'adores' her DSD how can that be a bad thing? If she adores her she isn't going to be horrible to her, isn't going to make her unhappy. As a mum all I have ever wanted is for my DD to be happy, I found it sad that the OP couldn't see that.

Is that clearer?

Oh and I did try to make friends with DH ex, but admittedly not very hard. I picked up the phone a number of times but she would put it down on me. And the one time that I went to her house (to collect DSD) she wouldn't let her go with me.

I gave up and keep out of the way now. For her it is easier to act as if I don't exist. I can give her that at least.

And amberleaf if you go back to the start of the thread - OP was allowed to vent. There was a lot of sympathy followed by advice around how she could deal with her emotions.

Or are you telling me that if I went on to "lone parents" with a thread entitled "I so sick of my DSD's mother telling me what I am allowed to do with MY family!!" that they'd just allow me to vent and give me lots of virtual hugs..

All of the advice on here (correct me if I am wrong) has been very child-centric. Most of us step parents have seen first hand how damaging these attitudes are to the children involved - hence our passionate opinions.

"lionesses den" ha ha that is actual hilarious!

jeez louise... so we're only allowed to comment on MN if we have been in the same situation as the OP (not that you have, actually...)

someone better alert Justine. BOM's back from her citybreak and has closed Mumsnet.

Actually sometimes advice from a person that is not in any way emotionally involved in the issue is better.

Less chance of bias or projection that way too.

Oh please, of course that's not what I mean. I just find it very strange for anyone to have such an ardent opinion on something they have no experience of. You wouldn't need to be in the same situation as OP to be able to give advise. And I'm sure that any adult would be equipped to have a basic opinion on the OP.

But you have spent a whole weekend ranting and raving about a situation you can't logically beleive you are right about.

I've been a step parent for 4 years and my DD has had a step mother for 3. I have no where near all the answers and neither does DD's step mother. It's incredibly hard and I am constantly asking myself "what is best for the child?" on both the count of my own DD and my DSD. If anyone wants to help me to answer that question then I'm happy for the advice but what I can tell you wouldn't have helped at all around the time when my DD's stepmum came in to her life - is someone getting me all wound up and indignant about how she was trying to "steal my baby"

There have been several situations where I have felt upset by something that has happened at my DD's other house. I am fortunate enough to have some amazing level headed friends and family around to bring me back down to earth and remind me that the more people who love DD, the better.

I also had some councelling way back at the beginning and that helped a lot too.

Cross poster Amber and sorry for typos everyone