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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

397 replies

loopsylou · 20/01/2012 16:40

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt Shock that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" Shock That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
loopsylou · 22/01/2012 21:59

BOM, I've read it through and (ignoring the posts claiming I should get psychological help Hmm ) I think the best option would be to explain to Sarah how I've been feeling. I mentioned earlier that I didn't particularly like her, but I know she is a fairly nice person, and I think, if I talk to her about it, we could come to some sort of agreement. I liked the idea that someone put of taking DD out with Sarah and myself, so bonding time as a 3. And maybe explain to DD that Sarah is like her aunt, not her mother. I would also just like to reiterate to everyone that I am NOT upset by ExH's remarriage. I remarried too, so no problems there.

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 22/01/2012 22:05

loopsy - without wanting to appear defensive, did your exH explain to DD that your DH (your DD's stepDad) was an "uncle" or did he leave you and DH to manage that for yourselves and trust you to support DD?

Did you DH and your exH take DD out together to help her bond with them both "as a threesome"?

One of the things I struggle with as a step-mum is the double standards that have been alluded to on this thread. You are remarried, so your exH has already experienced everything you are feeling now in relation to a new person in DD's life - how did he deal with that? Why not follow his lead and do the same? It will help DD realise that "Sarah" has the same role in her life as her stepdad does Smile

Beamur · 22/01/2012 22:07

I have a perfectly civil relationship with my DSC's Mum, but if she had suggested we all hang out together I would have run for the hills.

PocPoc · 22/01/2012 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PocPoc · 22/01/2012 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
loopsylou · 22/01/2012 22:14

My DH has had a very frank talk with DD about how he is not her father. I think he used the image of a teacher, so she see's him as an authority figure, but also someone she can have fun with ect... But she doesn't see him as anything close to a dad.

OP posts:
PocPoc · 22/01/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MJinBlack · 22/01/2012 22:34

I have be honest and say I think making Sarah responsible for your feelings isn't on.

You have to deal with them.

And to be fAir I'm bit comfortable with a SP being compared to a teacher - talk about diminishing the role !

therantingBOM · 22/01/2012 22:34

I guess it all depends on how you view the councelling profession. I wasn't suggesting that you are mad. I was suggesting that councelling can help you through this difficult time.

I think it really would, it helped me anyway.

But if you don't think so then yes, of course open communication will have great benefits.

I don't think the threesome business is helpful though - I would also run for the hills if this was suggested to me! I'm all for doing the best by the kids and being friendly etc but frankly I get precious little lesuire time as it is, I wouldn't be spending it with someone who happened to have been married to my DH at one time. Although, if the two of you end up getting along and becoming friends then it sounds great.

Once you can let go of these negative feelings you might just enjoy having some free time of your own while your DD is with her Dad and step mum.

therantingBOM · 22/01/2012 22:34

MJ, love, what's with your typing tonight Grin Wink

MJinBlack · 22/01/2012 22:35

*a bit uncomfortable (sorry)

MJinBlack · 22/01/2012 22:37

Bom wine, 2 wide awake under 4s and an iPhone !

Smurfy1 · 22/01/2012 22:40

I am a FULL TIME stepmum now due to the mothers neglect (other thread lol)

BUT for all I don't have kids (tbh never felt the urge lol) I have never been called anything but my name by DSD, when she was younger I not any1 else explained to her that for all I loved her and did all the "mummy" stuff i was xxxxxxxxx she went but you are a mummy the cats mummy (oh kiddy logic) and she quite happily toddled off

We have her fulltime now due to neglect and other legal stuff I cant mention here and the mum has lost custody and PR and I have made my possition plain not DH or any1 else but you only have 1 mummy (even if she's not fit for the position)

OP your stepmum is clearly trying to find her role, keep her OH happy and very possibly her void of a child, your DD is lucky sm is taking an interest, but I have to agree I couldn't do that to the BM of weeone and she's not a fit one where as you are

I as a step mum would ask you to explain it ratioally to ex oh that although you are very grateful DD is loved and well treated at his but his wife that anything they buy stays at theirs and in future to avoid confusing weeone can sarah gently correct DD that she is not mummy anything

MJinBlack · 22/01/2012 22:43

Bom wine, 2 wide awake under 4s and an iPhone !

ThePoorMansBeckySharp · 22/01/2012 22:44

"Are you seriously telling me that as a significant person in a little girls life you've never put make-up on them? "

What the fuck?

exoticfruits · 22/01/2012 23:12

really? that's the two options exotic? no emotional blackmail there, then

Have you got another option then-in the DDs interests?

I would recommend thinking of things that you want to do first in advance, so that she doesn't step in. I'm sure there are other things she can do that you wouldn't want to do. It can all be amicable.
Maybe the DD settled on Mummy Sarah for herself. It seems a good compromise. She isn't mummy-if she is like me she couldn't bear Aunty when she isn't -and lots of women don't like DCs calling them first names.
I also think that it terribly sad for DCs if they are stuck with separate lives and can't take things from one to the other.

It really will be best for your long term relationship with your DD if you are relaxed about it all and she doesn't get in the horrible position of not being able to tell you anything nice, because she want to spare you jealousy. Let her have fun and share the experience.

exoticfruits · 22/01/2012 23:14

The important thing is that you have a good relationship with your DD-her relationship with her step mother is irrelevant.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/01/2012 23:31

loopsy did your exH get involved in the convo between your DH and DD? Or did he trust you?

I know it's hard for you to accept (I do know; DD lives with her stepmum one week in two) - but your posts show little acknowledgement that your exH has felt like you do now, but dealt with it very differently to the way you are proposing.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 22/01/2012 23:44

there are So Many Things that i wouldn't trust dh to handle that he would trust me to handle... not to mention the fact that he wouldn't trust himself to handle them either.

as to the idea that a mother should consider her child's relationship with a stepmother irrelevant, once again i'm amazed. loopy, some of the advice on this thread is good, but best of luck to you sifting it out.

exoticfruits · 22/01/2012 23:53

You misunderstand me completely. Of course the relationship of the DC to her step mother isn't irrelevant-it would be deeply worrying if they didn't get on, or didn't like each other.
What I meant is that your DD loves YOU-that is all that matters. If she loves her stepmother it is all to the good-it is irrelevant because it doesn't take one iota of love away from you.
For your DD sake be generous and don't divide loyalties. Let her talk about her time there and bring things home-cross over the two lives. Love shouldn't involve jealousy.

I can't really talk about not trusting DH. I have never understood the 'senior' partner type of parenting where mother is the expert and father gets his orders! I wouldn't have had a DC with a man I didn't trust and couldn't just leave to get on with it.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 22/01/2012 23:54

lol, your insight into my marriage is as accurate as your insight into the OP's situation, i suspect. Grin

ThompsonTwins · 23/01/2012 00:00

I think it is a good thing that your DD and Sarah get on well and that DD enjoys her time with S and her father. I agree with whoever said, 'Pick your battles.' This is not an easy situation (I have been in it myself) but you will come to terms with it if you find the positive. It is difficult to hear your child refer to another woman as Mummy. Just call her Sarah to your DD and go on smiling and bearing it - so hard but you can do it. I did after a while. Solidarity...

exoticfruits · 23/01/2012 00:01

I did say that I didn't have any insight-I have never been 'expert' parent.

I just see the results of dividing loyalties in DCs and making them lead double lives.
I won't comment again but a DC can't have too much love and they can't have too many people to love and jealousy shouldn't come into any relationship.
OP's DD loves her-no one can take it away.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 23/01/2012 00:24

'expert' parent? what are you talking about? do you and your dh really have identical skill sets? seriously? there is nothing that dh is better at than you, and vice versa? Shock

i think you are just getting your wee rocks off insulting me, tbh, and you've stopped thinking about this some time ago.

exoticfruits · 23/01/2012 06:50

I really don't know what you are on about. Confused You seem to be taking things very personally when this isn't about you at all.
Loopsyloo hasn't said a word about not trusting her ex and Sarah to handle things. That isn't the issue at all. It is the fact that they are handling things too well that is upsetting her. I think that anyone would feel the same-who wants another woman looking after their child? Sadly lots of people are in that situation and have to deal with their feelings so that the DC doesn't know.

(It has nothing to do with it, but of course DH and I don't have identical skills, but when it comes to looking after the children of course he can manage and apart from bfeeding I could just leave him to it from the earliest times. He doesn't do it in the same way as me but I am not 'senior' parent who has to be referred to-I have no idea why you think I am insulting you when we aren't discussing you)

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