I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

I can see that it is hard but surely the child comes first? It must be great to be loved by the step mother. Given the choice I would rather have my child loved than merely tolerated and if I was a step mother I wouldn't want to be controlled through the mother.
I agree with MJinblack-we just borrow our DCs for a short while-they are their own people.

I assume this distrust of step-mums is down to fear or insecurity.

It's a bit bizarre really, I think step-mums (not step-dads) are the most loathed group on MN, very strange.

If you stop seeing her as a possession then you will realise that she can't be 'stolen' and a child can never have too much love or too many people loving them. Loving one doesn't take away from another. See her as adding another dimension and not as competition.

This poem might help:

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

I agree truck. All this hanging around on the step parent board smacks to me of preparing for something that youre worried might happen.

Most people navigate mn through active convos. There's really no deeper meaning to it than that.

I have never been on the step parent board-never mind hand around on it! I get all mine from the last 15mins. If it all seems boring, I try unanswered messages or education or log out.

hang around-sorry!

I was referring to a couple of people who seem to be on here an awful lot. I'm not naming names because I'm sure it would only get deleted for picking on individuals.

But once you get drawn into discussion on a thread and it keep popping up to the top of threads I'm on you tend to respond again. That's all that has happened.

Ooh and during my city break - my DD's step mother taught her how to ride a bike and put a photo of the historical moment on Facebook.

What a piece of work, eh!?

I'll speak to my ex later as this shows flagrant disregard for my rights to share these moments with my DD. I might wait until the woman has thawed out though after the 4 hours spent on a freezing cold green bearing the weight of a bike and someone else's 5 year old.

I get on with my DS' step-mother. (to answer the earlier question)

Although I think I am in the minority because I also would invite her if x-P collected DS (usually I did drop offs as X-P doesn't drive but his DW does). I just felt that because she would be a part of DS life she should be involved in hearing change over note, info etc and fill me in on anything she felt I needed to know after he'd been at theirs.

I doubt it would get deleted.

Better to say what you mean than be all passive agressive about it.

Okay chub, I guess we'll never know will we.

you know i really object to your persistent undermining of me on here, BOM... you have called me stupid ('unarmed', but really we're both clear that means stupid), gloated that you are being deliberately disrespectful to me, you've said i have been 'huffing and puffing for a whole weeked' and hold 'ardent opinions on a subject i know nothing about etc'.. and now because i happened onto the step-parenting board and wasn't immediately put off by the extraordinary tone of the advice I am 'hanging around' because I fear my own DH is going to do a runner? have we to assume that of any MNer who isn't a stepmum but dares to post here falls under this banner?

listen, everyone is just going to have to make up their own minds as to who is the one attacking here... but i will just remind you that the advice you gave this woman was "Still, I'm sure it would be a great comfort to a mother, whilst sat with an insecure self loathing 18 year old daughter, to be able to say - well, at least I didn't allow another woman to take her to get her first pedicure."

oh yeah, very moderate, i'm sure.

Okay Amber, if you don't object. I mean you, mainly.

That was one thing that I said, and it actually wasn't advise to the OP. It was to counteract advise from others that I felt was damaging.

Seriously, I really feel for the OP, and wanted to help. I think I did that as much as I could and I wish her all the best.

I don't think she's coming back though.

I actually wasn't talking baout you aitch I've never seen you on the step parents board before, I don't think.

although i note that you didn't deny any of the other shite you posted at me.

In that case re read chubs post above and also mine from earlier where I said I come onto threads that come up on active convos.

All this hanging around on the step parent board smacks to me of preparing for something that youre worried might happen

My children have a step mother.

I have a step mother [from the age of 8]

My DP has children, due to logistics me being an 'active' step parent isnt an issue, we see each other without our children and live seprately.

No 'worries' or issues with any of the above.

You nor any other step parent 'owns' the step parenting board.

I dont come on to a SP thread and spout shit or bile, sometimes I agree with the general SP consensus, sometimes I dont and will post a view that differs from the rest.

I am perfectly entitled to do so.

Why would I deny it - it's plain to see? This is just getting weirder and weirder.

If indeed amber is worried about that then that is no laughing matter - I've been there myself. But I don't think it is a good position to offer advice from.

Fair enough Amber - apologies.

oops. big mistake, BOM. huge.

see, that's pretty emblematic of how dysfunctional i think this board/thread is. if you don't agree with the big hitters you can't possibly know anything about the situation. well, no. as amberleaf demonstrates. and you don't have a clue about my situation or what i know, not that you'd ask and not that i'd tell you, because i disagree profoundly with your thesis.

Hence my apology.