I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

'there are So Many Things that i wouldn't trust dh to handle that he would trust me to handle... not to mention the fact that he wouldn't trust himself to handle them either.'

Like what? I'm a single father, I'm interested to hear what he can't be trusted with.

truck my dh is useless at emotional stuff - it doesn't mean that if something was to happen to me - he wouldn't be perfect as a single dad, but at the moment I am here, so he doesn't have to do those sorts of things.

I think that people have stopped talking about OP and are reading their own situation into it. I wouldn't have married someone I didn't trust with DCs but I can't see that it is relevant.
Loopsyloo hasn't mentioned not trusting or them not doing emotional stuff.She needs advice on how to cope with her own feelings without burdening her DD with them.

With Regards to other post in which daughter is supposedly 9 - I just looked through it and I cannot see where I have claimed she is 9?

It was your thread about your mother-in-law (another poster pointed it out before) she claimed you were trying to keep her from her son and granddaughter , i.e. your DH and DD. Sorry it just reads every bit as though you are talking about another child that you and DH had between you. Is DD your only child then?

" I wouldn't have married someone I didn't trust with DCs but I can't see that it is relevant." gggrrrrrrrrrr. you are on quite the wind-up, exoticfruits.

Truck, actually regardless of exotic's insistence on characterising what i said as a matter one 'expert' and one who does what he's told... i trust DH implicitly when it comes to childcare (well actually when they were wee he did have the habit of letting them wander out of shops that neither i nor the local police were that tickled by, but then he doesn't have a great attention span for what he considers 'minor stuff', that's just him). But now that they're older, when it comes to practicalities he can do everything i can do, of course.

Emotional stuff, though, about raising wee girls... doesn't really have a scooby. he just doesn't know what it's like to be female, and sometimes needs insight into that. which is why we talk about it, like any normal functioning couple. (not deep intense marital chats, just 'WTF?' and me saying 'oh it's probably cos of x or y, used to happen when i was at school too'.) he's an emotional guy, he just doesn't compute other people's emotions terribly well.

if i carked it, he would definitely want some help with that side of things, but then he knows a heap of women who would definitely provide it, so .

Pink mini skirts and pedicures....at six. It's "girly" bonding but I think all a little inappropriate at age 6. That would concern me.

I think it's hard for the OP but it would be more difficult if the step mum didn't like the dd. That would be sad for everyone concerned and would affect her relationship with her dad, for ever.

My son has always told my ex's partner "I love you" when they drop him off or on the phone, at the end of the conversation. I'm glad they have that bond. I'm still his mum.....it doesn't undermine or threaten me in any way. And actually, life's tough, having one more adult who cares for/loves my child is a bonus as far as I'm concerned.

Actually I think we may be being a bit disengenuous calling it a mini-skirt? Unless it is designed to look like the sort of skirt a grown woman would wear to a nightclub, lots of children's skirts/dresses are short. It means nothing. Think back to the kind of dresses we had in the 60s and 70s as small children - they were very short! And we didn't always wear thick tights with them, (maybe frilly big knickers and ankle socks ) but they certainly were not thought of as the least bit inappropriate or titillating - they were children's little dresses, not stripper's gear! It's all semantics and just designed to make us see Mummy Sarah in a bad light because the OP feels insecure and jealous. (which I understand and sympathise with BTW, but let's keep it in perspective.) This woman is hardly giving her little DSD a padded bra and a pole-dancing kit!

yup, my two tend to wear mini-skirts/leggings/tights here. better for climbing...

I am now mightly confused about the whole set up....

In one post, OP refers to her 9 year old, and refers to her current DH as her father and has a whole complaint about her MIL, referred to as the child's grandmother. The child has become 6 in this post.

In several other posts, the OP makes reference to have a teenage daughter, no reference to a younger.

In another, OP makes reference to waking up to "screaming children".

Confused.

From talking to my brother and my Dad I am aware that there are things about adolescent boys and their journey to manhood that are a complete mystery to me.

If I am lucky enough to have a son, I will expect DH to take the lead on that stuff, even if we should split. My Dad was very, very important to me as an adolescent, but there was a different dimension to the relationship he had with my brother that I wasn't aware of until we had grown up.

If my children were to lose their Dad, I would certainly try to make sure any boys had a man that could fulfil that role. It's not something I would take on alone.

I would certainly not expect any new partner of mine to take on that kind of paternal role while my children's father was still alive.

WHAT YOU MEAN THAT YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T TREAT YOU EXACTLY THE SAME, AS IF BOTH YOU AND THEY HAD PODDED FROM THE SAME HERMAPHRODITIC ORGANISM? how dare they?! their marriage must have been in trouble.

I think it is best to name-change and then change personal details to retain privacy. To do that under one name causes confusion, and ultimately, suspicion.

I agree Fellatio, this manner of detail changing seems very odd to me.

Despite the accusations about name changing and different details, the OP has said that she intends to set out to her DD her own expectations of the nature of the relationship between DD and her step-mum; having already directed her DD as to the nature of the relationship between DD and her stepdad.

This strikes me as controlling, and double standards, as the OP wishes to influence DDs interactions with the adults in both households while not offering her exH the same courtesy.

I agree with Pocpoc - its just troll hunting which isn't allowed as we all know.

well, there's detail changing and there's detail changing.

The other posts aren't exactly of sensitive nature so wouldn't warrant the changing of details in order to protect...

but I suppose mn hq will decide...

I am not saying I am suspicious of the OP btw, only that it is best to not change details back and forth whilst using the same user name as it can inadevertently lead to accusations of trollery. I can completely understand why people may do it, but I think it is unwise.

Lots of people change ages/sexes of their dcs to protect their privacy and I totally get why they do so.

But its pretty bad form in my opinion to drag other threads onto another one but hey ho.

For those that are confused... (embarrassed face) a few posts (not threads, posts) I have used a teenage "daughter" to say what happened to ME when I was a teenager, but some of the situations are a bit cringe worthy (like the hygiene thread) so I WAS a bit embarrased but still wanted to post. However, I have one daughter, 6 years old. Her father is my ex, but I happen to know that a few people mentioned in my threads are on mumsnet so fudged certain details so they wouldn't recognise me. E.G for those of you who read my christmas post, it was my Sister in law (brothers wife) not my actual sister, as I KNOW she has mumsnet...

My son has always told my ex's partner "I love you" when they drop him off or on the phone, at the end of the conversation. I'm glad they have that bond. I'm still his mum.....it doesn't undermine or threaten me in any way. And actually, life's tough, having one more adult who cares for/loves my child is a bonus as far as I'm concerned.

I think that is lovely. The DC should feel secure enough to be able to say that. They are not responsible for adult's emotions and so many are made to feel guilty if they enjoy themselves with a step parent and don't feel free to talk about it.
It doesn't threaten or undermine the biological mother. It is hard to share, but it is in the child's interests- which is all that matters.