Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

Suda, dont fuckin patronise me
I am a step parent, I am perfectly aware of how manipulative and difficult step children can be. But as adults we have to make the transition from the changed arena of their lives to the new dynamics they have no say in as easy as possible.

Where in the OP does she say she has tried to work with this lad. She doesnt she just vilifies him. If as she says she works with teens maybe she should be using her professional skills to promote motivation in this lad. Its difficult enough for teens fuelled with raging hormones angst and acne without us selfish adults inflicting our personal dilemma on them.
Why in the name of all thats holy did the OP feel she had a right to arrange something on the access day when she had another 12 days to choose from.

You are twisting words frankly I find it quite disturbing that anyone can agree with the op.
However I take on board that some have said she has just worded it badly, maybe if she cam and explained and admitted that she didnt mean it the way it came out and that she doesnt really think her step son is a big lump and all the other nasty words she used then maybe just maybe I could find a little understanding of her plight.

I am rather irritated with your arguments now. Try explaining it to the people I know whose son split with his g/f, he was devastated, he wanted some time with his father to talk man talk. He didnt get it. He was 17 and last night he committed suicide.
And no I am not making the parents responsible, no one could have foreseen it, but children , teens especially need to know they can approach their parents and that whatever they have done or acted that their parents will always listen.
So Forgive me if I say all the whiney posts about how horrible teens can be mean fuck all to me at this time.
I suggest all those with children whether they are biological/step/adopted or whatever ..
please hold them extra long tonight in memory of Danny. xx

I've only read the first and last page (frankly I couldn't be arsed to read it all, sorry) and I have to say I agree with a lot of what SudalivefromHMP says in the post a couple of posts before me. particularly "it cannot always be taken as read that the stepchilds case must always be upheld and their needs must always blindly override those of the stepmum or to anyone elses detriment in the household".

The OP is talking about a particular child she knows much better than any of us and i think calling him a lump or the trip a 'goonfest' is fair enough given she knows what the trip to town would be like. On the other hand I think she should rearrange her trip to buy glasses to another weekend when she knows she won't have to take part in the 'goonfest'. An access weekend should be just that so it is a little unreasonable not to expect the lump to be present!

I thought the OP was quite amusing to be honest, and am guessing that the OP has no children of her own and so finds it difficult to have a 'lump' of a teenager in her life.

I really don't think it's so much that the OP doesn't want a teenager in her life. I know, from her many previous posts, that she's just stumped to understand why her DSS would choose to have such a rigidly planned schedule at his age. In this particular case, it is not the case that the child's mother is with-holding contact, nor is it the case that there is a distance issue. As far as I understand it, the child is free to come and go as he likes, but chooses to stick to the very rigid schedule that was determined on his behalf when he was a much younger child. The DH is simply going along with this rather than suggesting that his son can come and go as he pleases (to those who don't understand, it is very common indeed for an NRP to ignore common sense and his own personal preferences).

I think the OP is looking ahead and wondering at what point her DH and her will be able to lead a normal life without the rigid restrictions of an outdated access arrangement. And for those who say this is what the child wants - I don't necessarily agree. My DSS1 goes along will a silly rigid access schedule simply because he can't/won't think that anything else is possible, and DH, although he hates the silly rigid schedule, doesn't say anything either. SO what you get is some sub-optimal situation which NO-ONE thinks is great but no-one bothers to change. As a step-parent, to watch this, is very frustrating. You want to say to the child - please, come around Monday/Tuesday/anyday you want, it does't HAVE to be Friday 6pm-Sunday 6pm as the court order stated 13 years ago, but you can't say that. The child would, most probably, prefer to be able to see his mates for a couple of hours on a Saturday, but feels like he's offending someone to suggest such a thing. The child's father wishes things were a bit more relaxed. So it's not really suiting anybody

That's what I think the OP is getting at. Yes there is a lot of history here, and this is just one silly example of how the rigid access schedule, which doesn't really work well for any of them, is affecting their lives. It is very very possible that the DSS doesn't want to be trailing round after his parents looking at glasses. If it's anything like my DSS1, he will be bored stiff, would prefer to be with his mates/playing xbox, yet because a judge told him 10 years ago that he should be with his dad every other weekend, then that's what he does, come hell or high water. It's really not healthy.

If it's the case that the child wants to go into town for quality family time, then yes, I agree with you all. But I know there's a lot more to this

Fit2drop - Firstly I am very very sorry about your friends son that is absolutely tragic.

Secondly can I just say - I did ask you to please not answer me in the same hostile tone you used to my last posts. It is ironic that you are appealing for more compassion and tolerance etc for children from broken homes but can not extend even an ounce of decency and manners to me - a stranger and furthermore are openly hostile and nasty to me. You dont know me - I just have a different opinion to you. It seems to anger you that I am sticking to it. The fact I would very very obviously not try and explain my point of view to a set of bereaved parents - as you suggested - does not mean it is not a valid point of view - and well you know it and I think using that to prove your point or disprove mine is in very bad taste to be honest.

I am not twising anyones words - I have stuck to my POV - which most people dont find offensive and is not cruel or unfair to anyone - child or otherwise.

I have also said I only was supportive to Petal because I know a lot of her history and what has led to this outburst. On face value of the OP - I would have thought her unreasonable.

Thank you Duelling - that was all I was trying to say.

When I saw who you were I was prepared to say YANBU - I've read some of your previous threads and your situation seems far from ideal.

But actually based on this OP you sound really mean.

I have an 18yo DSS and of course he's got better things to do than hang out with his dad and stepmum but we all have a great time together - nothing wrong with just hanging out in town, getting lunch or whatever. It's what families - whether biological or 'blended' do!

fit2drop- I can sympathise with Danny's family's and all but don't drag Suda into this -

FWIW - My baby brother is BiPolar and we didn't spot it until he was 26- You can't link Suda's attitude to the death of a teenager who might have been highly depressed-to each situation it's own story. Let's not get carried away here. I say that as I am about to get him (My DB)sectioned so don't accuse me of being insensitive to the issue.

And that's the crux of the this whole issue really- Step Parenting has specific situations- I think I read in some Uni study that you could have up to 16 different scenarios in Step Families-

I'm late on this on because I had hidden this thread in light of the BoMs Witch hunt few last days furore but having come back to it - I think some of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves at kicking someone who you knew nothing of until you read the OP- She did the mistake of making it an AIBU- but , yes it did look bad, I can agree with that.

Because this is a forum full of regular posters, we can see the back story behind many individual posts, -until recently no one gave a shit paid step parenting any attention and we have learned a lot about each others circumstances and family set ups. so we can seem sympathitic when others think we are wrong, that is because we know the history and back story, which clearly we would expect others to be aware of.

Above all- and I say this as a person who lurked for 2 years before having the balls being so fed up , that I had to post- I don't want lurkers and newbies to be put off by some of the vitriol aimed at Step Parents.

oh , and SPM- MJ has now hidden all the threads you're on- she has had enough of your stalking attention. Stop wasting your time.

SUDA
I wrote a real long post trying to explain that my previous posts were not written in an angry tone and that indeed it was you who came in swearing and belligerent .Maybe if you read them again without the anger inside you , you may be able to see that.

However I deleted my long explanatory postas I can't be arsed to keep explaining
so I admit it, you are right I am a sarcastic, cynical, bitter and twisted step mother of 11 children , with no life, and an attitude problem. If you don't like it, go find someone to talk to who won't upset you by having a brain.

I don't know whether to laugh at you outright or refer to my " abnormal psychology" reference manual to see how you rate for your histrionics.

enough already, your attitude is not helping petals case one iota.

and wildisthewind
You are right, I should not have mentioned the death of DANNY, it holds no place in this and I am truly sorry . For tht SUDA and all other posters I sincerel appolgise.

peace x

YABU.

You had plans and DH says my son wants to come. You then say I'm not going. What kind of signal do you think you are sending out to him and his son? Honestly?

It does not matter whether you are at a theme park, choosing glasses or clearing rubbish out of the garden, it matters how you make your children feel with your behaviour and that includes your stepchildren.

Usually it is the other way around when step children demanding time on their own with their parent away from their step parent becomes a problem but coming from a step parent towards a step child about a Saturday afternoon trip into town seems a tad childish. We all want to spend quality time with our partners at any point in the week but I would never refuse the opportunity of spending time with DH based on the fact one of my step children were there.

Why would you honestly do that?

fit2drop

I think I'd better get off this mn for good after all. I only went on out of curiosity and tbh honest in this space of time, I have learnt so much about how people on here are on minute for you then against you.

Fit2drop, didn't you pm me asking me to stay earlier, now your calling me a stalker wtf!

Theres only so much crap someone can take from others on here. Time to get back to reality, honestly I wonder why the F* I bother on this kind of forum, time to be with my real life friends I think

Oh and regarding the daft threads where people pass each other wine (bom ones) shouldn't you lot get a life and be with your real life friends having that drink and not people you have never met?

Honestly!

Bye SPM!

Here's a nice place you can visit next time

p.s I have hidden the thread now- Don't bother.

Go on, have a , for the road.

Euwwww damn you wildisthewind can't believe I clicked that link! You're so evil! :o

Take the piss wildisthe wind whatever it is!

Atleast I have a life, do you?

Ta da

singleproudmum yes I did pm you and asked you to stay

I think if you read back yu will see it is NOT ME who called you a stalker.
It was in fact wildsthewind on her 11:06pm post
and Im sure she wontmind me mentioning it as it is there for all to see.

I will state quite openly to that I will pm this post to you too just in case you dont come back in here.

I really am not that hypocritical

that post to me is just mean .

No - I have not swore (unless you count 'bloody' post office queue} been beligerent or been hostile to any person or group of persons. I have only argued against a particular blanket point of view - not even naming any individual poster. I have also not displayed anger - you have had plenty on display though mainly aimed at me and the OP.

I have not said (or ilk) that you are cynical or bitter and twisted etc - I have only asked you repeatedly to stop being so personal and hostile to me - which you have ignored and continued to be so.

Obviously anyone interested can look back on both our posts on this thread and verify this and decide for themselves.

I will not go elsewhere as you have suggested - I will stay on this thread or go on another thread or log off or whatever and whenever I see fit.

You do not upset me 'by having a brain' - my problem is with your apparent inability to be civil to me. I have no problem with anyone disagreeing with me - just with verbally abusing me in the process.

Finally your last point - you have villified Petal throughout and now you say you are concerned that my 'attitude' is not helping her case !

Sorry fit2drop I read it wrong, have pm'd you

Suda I did not say go elsewhere, I said go find someone else to talk to who wont upset you by having a brain.
Oh and just because I said you were not helping petals case does not mean I agree with her, it means your argument for her is not doing her any favours .
I have no problem with people debating the points made.
you made it personal, I reserve the right to retalliate when you use words like "bollocks" about something I wrote.

Ps nice of you to aknowledge my appology by the way

OP I've only read upto page 4 so this point may already have been raised - as you opted out of your arranged trip to pick glasses and have now postponed this till next weekend, it clearly a non access weekend in the first place, couldn't it?

You have arranged to do something on an access weekend that could have waited till a non-access weekend anyway, hoping that it would be so boring that your SS would not want to join in and so therefore you could have your DH to yourself for a couple of hours *on an access weekend!!!

How utterly selfish.

Forgive me, but I'm assuming that you and your DH live together during the week? If you do then you probably (unless shift working) get to spend most mornings and evenings before and after work together...? And then there are the non-access weekends where presumably you can choose to spend time together on at least one day?

You don't even have your own kids making demands on your DH's time every minute of every waking hour, so it's not like you don't get to spend quality time with your DH, without anyone else there and with no distractions. God knows how you would manage if you did!

Mmmmm! And then there's your SS. Add up the hours he gets to spend with his dad in a two week period and then do the same for you and then ask yourself who is the greedy needy spoilt lump in this equation.

OP it is you who is tagging along being a grumpy, needy lump and totally dependant not your SS.

Please give them some space on access weekends if you can't be pleasant - go shopping for the day with friends, visit people...go to the gym anything other than tagging along and resenting your DH and SS spending time together

The age of SS is irrelevant here because you are being the spoilt, needy selfish one. Not only do you show total lack of respect for SS feelings but also for your DH's feelings too.

Well said misfitless

Common sense and decency respect and understanding

not rocket science is it

Saying go and find someone else to talk to if you dont like it - is saying well - the clues in the word go - go off this thread obviously or stay here and just not post in defence to yours - about me - 'if I dont like it'.

I didnt make it personal - you claimed to not even know what I was talking about and dismissed my argument - so how can you now say I made it personal. I was talking about a general view that nearly always comes up on these threads - you replied by ridiculing me and saying how could I even possibly be responding to anyones comments on this thread and what was I on about etc . So I looked back to see who had made this stock argument that I disagreed with and lo and behold you had made that argument in one of your posts.

As for you retaliating to my sentence containing word 'bollocks' as in I think that particular (general) argument aswell is bollocks - rather than any individuals argument is - do you really think that your 'retaliation' is in proportion - all the hostility and in contrast very personal remarks and effing at me ?

I didnt see your apology till after I had sent my last post. I have tried to explain fully my point of view in a previous post - in case you have misunderstood me - possible reason for the hostility ? and asked you nicely to please stop it and I got..

"Dont fuckin patronise me" in response.

So even if I had noticed you had done another post in the meantime containing an apology I would have trod very carefully to say the least in acknowledging it.

But I do acknowledge that was very decent of you to apologise - and I do mean that sincerely.

Right, I think I can sum this up.

1. The OP sounded awful.

1. Some people know the back story, so it sounded less awful and were sympathetic.

1. Some people don't know the back story, so took the OP at face value and responded to that.

1. There have been some words said over why on earth some people would be sympathetic about what sounds like an awful OP.

1. Tangled into the mess is a whole separate agenda which no one actually cares about.

1. The OP hid the thread 2 days ago so doesn't actually care what is being said.

Please can you all take note of number 6.

Bugger - I meant to say "Please can you all take note of number 6. If you're responding directly to the OP she won't respond as hasn't read it since Saturday."

Well, you've had a slating here, haven't you Petal?

I think YABU, definitely.

The boy is just a kid. A big kid, maybe. He wants to spend time with his dad and he is happy to include you? It IS his weekend to spend time with dad, don't forget.

Not all kids (especially boys) mature at the same rate. He sounds like he needs this "family time". It also sounds, sadly, like you don't like him, resent his existence and want him just to go away.

Be careful Petal. If my partner was like this with my son, I would not stay with him. Full stop.

My SD tolerates me (barely) but I do my best to make her welcome. I encourage DH to spend time with her alone because I think their relationship needs it. When she ignores me, I try (and it's very very hard) to keep calm and carry on. Whether I like or dislike her is irrelevant.... she is his daughter. I get on with his son, I very much enjoy visits from his eldest daughter. Two out of three is good going, in my book. The situation is hard for my DH but he can al least see what his youngest daughter is doing and because I love him, I try to let it go.

Be careful there, Petal.