Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

Petal I completely understand - and I think you realise that if your DH doesnt start to 'get it' too you could well end up like me with a 6ft plus 'Rodney' aged 23 lurching alongside us wherever we go (anyone remember that episode of 'Only Fools and Horses' when Rodney 'won' a holiday in a colouring competition but had to be chaperoned everywhere by his dad - Del boy - and S/mum as they thought he was only 14 ).

fittodrop , I knew what I was getting into when I built a relationship with my DH. But I still found it difficult and felt a lot of frustrations over the step child situation . DH and I struggled for a while but luckily enough for me I had a full time non judgemental step mum friend to advise me , who also allowed me to vent . Nearly 6 years on , I am a positive part of my step kids life , and we have a good relationship , our family unit is a secure place for them . There has been no negative impact to them or our relationship from my and theirs initial frustrations . And hopefully we will bring a new sibling into our family .

Some people suck it up , some people deal with it with their oh , some people vent at real life friends and some people vent on here . Cut people some slack , these posters arnt venting at the children .

Anyway wine time .

Yeah but Suda your dss is 23 - that would frustrate anyone. Petal I will pm you but whilst I understand how hard it is for you at times and how frustrated you are right now, I do think you were unreasonable on this one - it wasnt a great post. He is sixteen and loves his dad.

I think the reason you have gotten such a beating, asides from the couple of people who take demented joy in torturing us regularly, the other parents either have children who are sixteen or will be sixteen and know that most of us whine that they DONT want to spend time with us. Your dp is lucky really in that way and probably just wants to make the most of it whilst it lasts love. Going into town with his dad, or to tesco or christmas shopping IS a normal part of being a family and I think this is one area you need to be a wee bit more flexible then you are.

PS Hobbs I thought apologising for being a wee bit harsh was really brave - it doesnt happen often on here that people go "I was a bit much, so whilst I still feel what I do I am sorry for being harsh". We need a bit more of that on the stepmums forum. Its so hard to get right, noone gets a manual and like I have said so many times - yes we can be unreasonable, yes we can be bitches, yes we get it wrong and need someone to tell us when we are - but YES we need somewhere safe to do that without abuse. It isnt fair or right. I also get it wrong, be a bitch and behave unreasonably with my own son. Like everyone else I know.

As for this 'you shouldnt expect to usurp his children - because they were there first'. What a load of bollocks. His exw was there first in his life - very obviously before her children. On that basis are you saying a man must always love the mother of his children more than the children because she came into his life first or that he will always love his first born more than second and so on. How on earth can any intelligent person use a 'first come, first served' equation to measure distribution of a persons love.
We are talking about the strongest emotion known to man of which there are many forms and is IMO immeasurable - not a bloody Post Office queue.

Yeah Prettyfly I know - only too painfully well that he's 23 as do many of you on here. But point I was making that if the child or manchild, young adult whatever isnt encouraged to be more independant and spread his wings ( and in Petals case there is a lot more to it than just this one trip into town ) then you can well end up with a totally dependant adult who doesnt grow and develop as an independant person and even develops an entrenched sense of entitlement to have everything taken care of for him and live with his dad indefinitely - till his thirties , forties even in extreme cases.

mjovertherainbow totally understand your last post, been there done it , survived it . I certainly am not trying to dispaly a waltons image (nothing could be firther from the truth )

enjoy your wine

Nell, ditto your first paragraph of your last post, you said far more eloquenty than I what I was trying to say.

as for cutting slack, maybe thats what OP should do with her SS.

sudalivefromHMP, what a crock.... how the hell did you get to that argument against any comments made here . Are you a politician?

that was about your 19:43 post by the way :)

So the OP isn't a troll??
OP you are acting like a spoilt petulant brat, sulking because your unloved stepson wants to spend time with his father on the 2 days in 14 he gets to be with him. In what way does this make him unmotivated exactly - please explain? would you be happy if he was sat playing on an x box?

Also, you work with vulnerable teens ... that is incredibly worrying as your attitude stinks

oh and someoen seems very quick to report posts - just for the record I was very careful to make sure my post contained no personal attacks, so it shouldn't be deleted.

MJ

You are unbelievable IMO, you don't condem petal for writing the original post but you have it in for me for putting my point of view across.

I have only criticised as much as many others yet I feel you are targeting my posts and reporting them. I must add they were not even that offensive.

Another poster has pointed out that unless your a regular contributor on this forum your opinion is worth jack shit. The poster also mentions that its a little cliquey. I agree with these comments.

Finally, I hope you are not implying that I'm some sort of stalker because I have as much right as anyone to join whatever thread I choose to.

I have gone on to the step parent threads because as you know my ex's new wife is an awful step mum to my kids and I just wanted to see how others spoke of their man's ex and /or his kids.

I have constantly made the point that I know there are great step mums out there so why wont you let me have my say?
You also said that Petal hadn't done herself any favours by starting this thread so why don't you like it when someone like me tells her she is in the wrong?

MJ

You are unbelievable IMO, you don't condem petal for writing the original post but you have it in for me for putting my point of view across.

I have only criticised as much as many others yet I feel you are targeting my posts and reporting them. I must add they were not even that offensive.

Another poster has pointed out that unless your a regular contributor on this forum your opinion is worth jack shit. The poster also mentions that its a little cliquey. I agree with these comments.

Finally, I hope you are not implying that I'm some sort of stalker because I have as much right as anyone to join whatever thread I choose to.

I have gone on to the step parent threads because as you know my ex's new wife is an awful step mum to my kids and I just wanted to see how others spoke of their man's ex and /or his kids.

I have constantly made the point that I know there are great step mums out there so why wont you let me have my say?
You also said that Petal hadn't done herself any favours by starting this thread so why don't you like it when someone like me tells her she is in the wrong?

Hi Petal,

I bet you wish you had never posted? .

Whilst I do understand you would rather not have stepson come shopping with you and your frustrations with him. I know you must want to shake him to stop loafing around and show a bit of initiative in his life, I do think it's a bit unreasonable to say you won't go out if DSS goes too.

If DP said that to me about my son, I would be pretty upset with him.

singleproudmum said

Another poster has pointed out that unless your a regular contributor on this forum your opinion is worth jack shit. The poster also mentions that its a little cliquey. I agree with these comments

REALLY, ?? I'm newish. Does that mean my opinion is worth Jack?? Oh what a shame, never mind, some have pmed me and thanked me for info and suggestions I have made....not on this particular thread , but hey ho.
As for clique? nah I have been on lots of forums , cliques are not really cliques, just them that have got to know each others posting styles over time. I think any long term posters will always come across as clique to new people who are still finding their feet. MN is a bit too big to get cliquey though (I would have thought).
Friendships on any forum are formed , same as in real life I guess with a build up of trust and respect which comes over time .
I haven't been overly welcomed ( a good thing , a bit too jolly hockey sticks and desperate when that happens) but I haven't been totally ignored either.
Just because someone does not agree with your sentiments on a particular thread singleproudmum does not mean they are being mean to you or singling you out.
I dont agree with the OP either , if its any consolation but I can accept that others on here know her far better than I and know the full story behind her thread. I still however stick to what I have written .
shrugs tis the way it is, get over it and move on
peace x

I read the thread - interestingly enough - a novel idea but am sure it will catch on .

I was answering to the 'same old,same old' stock answer on many threads to any S/mum who dares to think why should she be at the bottom of the pecking order in her husbands considerations.

The following is from one such 'crock'

| Message poster fit2drop Sat 29-Jan-11 16:41:03
.............His children where on his scene long before I was..... and its the same for you. ...........

Fit2drop, the reason I originally said that is because the few times I have commented on the SP topic my comments have been largely overrided or patronised. There have been enough patronising comments towards me in the past couple of threads I have posted on that I concluded the above.

I am, for the record, a long time MN poster - been around for several years now. I just find the whole step parenting topic a little bit smug and meh and will steer clear from now on. Luckily my step son is a grown up, and is fantastically well adjusted, loving and generous.

Suda as a btw, the post of 19:43 is utter rot. People's children do not stop being their children.

Sorry that was in reply to post at 20:04 by FIT2DROP

RINDERCELLA the post of 19:43 would be utter rot I agree if it contained any mention of peoples children not always still being their children.

It didnt - so as you were.

Nah Suda. Your post was utter rot.

"As for this 'you shouldnt expect to usurp his children - because they were there first'. What a load of bollocks. His exw was there first in his life - very obviously before her children. On that basis are you saying a man must always love the mother of his children more than the children because she came into his life first or that he will always love his first born more than second and so on. How on earth can any intelligent person use a 'first come, first served' equation to measure distribution of a persons love."

This just makes no sense at all. Love for one's children is (or should be) constant. Partners may come and go, marriages may end, but children will always remain in their parent's lives.

When someone says the children came first they usually mean that a woman getting into a relationship with a man who has children knows this little snippet of information. Of course it doesn't (and shouldn't) prevent said woman having a say in how she lives her life and the comings and goings in her own home. (I really do get that some step-parents have a raw deal in this) BUT things are going to be more complicated - and challenging - than if it was two childless people getting together. Allowances should always be made for the children in this situation because they did not ask to effectively be living in two different homes.

This thread and my own situation is about the rights/feelings etc of an older teenage 'child' or young adult vs the rights/feelings of a stepmum. I do not feel and I never have suggested the needs of a babe in arms, toddler or young child being put to one side in favour of 'daddys' new wife or partner. I havent said anyones rights should be put to one side for that matter. I have never said nor do I think that love for a child shouldnt be constant. Ironically the people who have falsely attributed these statements to me - have accused me of putting words in peoples mouths or twisting what they have said.

I have merely stated my opinion - so why all the vitriol towards me personally as well as my opinions ? . I stand by my opinion and that is it cannot always be taken as read that the stepchilds case must always be upheld and their needs must always blindly override those of the stepmum or to anyone elses detriment in the household. I simply dont agree and think that is an unhealthy message to give to the 'child' in question. I particularly dislike this argument being reinforced with the mind-blowing revelation that 'his children were here first' so their needs should always automatically outweigh their dads wife/partner, their dads and their needs as a couple. To some of us this 'line' is up there with 'you knew he had kids when you met him' - both these nuggets are true of course (yes his children were there first and yes we did know our DH/P had kids when we met him) - but are helpful now and mean we are always in the wrong how exactly ??

I do happen to lean towards the OPs pov because I do know a lot of background and admittedly without that background I might not have as much sympathy.

Some embattled stepmums among us live with a 'Disney Dad' or 'Lioness with cub' type father blindly defending his 'cub' no matter how badly they behave resulting in 'untouchable Golden Child type behaviour' ( and yes a teenager is well capable of playing this game and is not always the 'innocent' } - resulting in a vicious circle of growing resentment by the stepmum ( which is very possibly what has caused the OPs behaviour } - even more protectiveness from the father - green light to misbehave even more by the child and so on and bloody on (bitter experience).

Whilst we are talking about peoples rights and needs and in some cases condemning the OP out of hand as nasty and hurtful to her stepson etc. - by some posters - can I just add that I am a human being with feelings and would ask that if anyone replies to this post they respect that. If you dont agree with me - fine - if you think my point of view holds no water whatsoever - fine - but then why does it take two complete posts full of shouting and abuse and insults to break such a feeble argument down ?