Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

I don't mind them loving each other, but when a grown man and a 16 yr boy are literally entwined in public, I've had some very strange looks from passers by. It's not healthy.

As I said earlier, if SS were 8, it would be quite normal. But he's nearly 17.

I don't understand why you can't buy glasses in the presence of a 17yo and also, if you can't see past the bonnet of your car and live in a place with no public transport how can you tolerate not going to buy new glasses even if you had to take a randy gorilla or a cage of rats with you. Its madness.

Buying glasses when you can't see and have none is practically urgent and you are refusing to go out of arsiness.

A. You asked if you were BU. However you won't back down from the resounding majority "yes".

B. numerous my arse!

My heart bleeds for you OP. Such a martyr!

That still doesn't explain why your DH and SS have to physically go into the opticians with you and stay there.

The vast majority of posters have said that yabu petal. I can see you are not going to take one bit of advice you have been given - in amongst the arguments - but please, try and be kind to your SS and try not to resent him.

Rizzo, I wondered exactly how many were numerous too

Go to town with them, let them go and browse a bookshop/whatever, and go to the optician on your own. Ok, you're disappointed that he's coming along, but it sounds like you're incapacitated without your glasses, so to refuse to go at all is daft.

I'll bet my pension the glasses aren't broken. No sane person with broken glasses says "it can wait til next weekend".

I am wondering what you were hoping for.
The son just sitting, all on his tod, at his dad's house during access time?

Clearly, that is exactly what she was hoping for....and expecting.

You need glasses to drive, you have to have them, yet you chose not to go get them because DSS would be there too. why couldn't you go get the glasses, then wave them off to do their own thing, you go shopping and meet up with them later to travel home together? Strikes me of cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you really need these glasses why would him being there prevent you from buying them? It might make it less fun, but not impossible.

Admit it, that was a supid decision to make. But don't blame your SS, you decided not to go glasses shopping, he was going to come too, he didn't talk his dad into going to the cinema or something else.

Petal .... as a fellow stepmum and near-blind-bat who can't see further than a foot away without her glasses either, I'd say that this is one of those times when you need to decide what's more important - and it's surely the glasses ! If you need DP's help to get you into town (because you can't drive) as opposed to actually being in the opticians with you to choose the frames, then don't cut off your nose to spite your face - or, quite literally put yourself in danger (through not being able to see) over the coming week - and accept that you getting your sight back is the most important thing here ..... far more so than SS coming along too. I'd do what others have suggested and wave them off to the "boy's" shop (Game, HMV, whatever ...) while you sort yourself out.

I've been the mum of a 16 year old boy and it's true to say that at that age he rarely came out with me and DP because he was old enough to be left at home - and that's what he normally chose to do. He'd either be surfing, sleeping, doing homework, or off out seeing friends. My SS is now also 16 but I'm afraid it is rather a different situation because my skids live more than 100 miles away and don't have friends round here so are more dependent on their dad than they "should" be. Yes - it's annoying, because they are typical teenagers and can be very selfish, very boring company and I too have often felt like a gooseberry if out with them. Thing is .... there really isn't anything you can do unless you force your DP to choose. I've personally found the best thing for me is to pretty much detach myself from situations where I know I'm going to feel irritated and consequently, decline to spend whole days traipsing round the shops in the company of kids whose main interests are Playstation games etc. BTW .... I felt the same about my own son at that age too.

As another poster suggested - and I'm getting the vibe that this may also be the case for you too ..... I do sometimes feel pressured into assuming a role I don't feel comfortable with, where my DP "expects" me to slot into this motherly role where we all play "one big happy family" together and being pushed like that is a sure fire guarantee of it not happening. I don't want to be some pseudo-mother to my skids (and I only call them that because it's quicker than typing out "my partner's kids" all the time) because they have a mother already and I actually feel it's quite dishonest to pretend to have feelings towards someone that you don't really have. I know my DP would love to wave a magic wand and have me gushing over his kids the same way he does but that's never going to happen because I don't have the same feelings he does and I'm an honest person (albeit with tact) who doesn't pretend to be something she isn't. I am perfectly friendly to his kids, and treat them no differently to my own when they're here .... and in that respect, I (usually) duck out of spending all day with them just as I (usually) did with my own son who no more wanted to spend the whole day with me ! I don't feel bad about it because I know I'm not behaving any differently.

Thing is ..... all that's my choice, and me being true to me. I certainly don't ignore my skids and it's not as if I never spend time with them. I would have issue if DP criticised me for this stance but at the same time, I do have to recognise that the whole point of contact time is for him to spend time with his kids and that means I either have to join in, or find things to otherwise occupy myself but what I can't do, is object to DP spending time with his kids. That's not to say (hard hat on) that there aren't times when I really wish it could just be me and DP .... maybe I've had a really rough week and could do with some TLC, or maybe one of his kids has been very rude and/or manipulative (quite a frequent occurence) and it riles me no end that regardless, they will inevitably be taken out somewhere and given one on one attention. But I can't suggest that just the two of us go out and leave his kids behind (apart from anything I don't trust them - with good reason - to keep their noses out of stuff which doesn't concern them) because I know the point of each visit is so they spend time with their dad and I know that such a suggestion would damage mine and DP's relationship as well as the relationship between me and the kids.

I do appreciate that it sucks (big time) if you are in a crap step situation (boy do I know that all too well) and I know that "little" things like this can sometimes assume an importance which they shouldn't really have in a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back kind of way. I do also appreciate the irritation of feeling your partner is trying to mould you into something you're not. All I'd say is to choose your battles carefully and I don't think that this afternoon's plans are worth using up so much emotional energy on - especially when by far the most important thing is getting your eyesight sorted out which must surely supercede any annoyance you feel at a teenager coming along ? Had SS originally planned to be doing something else but had changed his plans, well, that would be slightly different and I think you'd have a right to feel annoyed that your plans had been hijacked but this ..... I think you have to try and take a deep breath and accept that if you break your glasses on an access weekend it's damn rotten timing but that can't be helped.

I do think you're brave to post this up because even before I opened the thread I just knew that you'd receive a lot of criticism. I am surprised though that so many names I don't recall seeing much on this forum before have replied and can't help wondering if the Step boards are perused by some for contentious posts which can be jumped upon. As you say about not posting on boards re: subjects you have no experience of - it does seem a bit odd that so many non step parents have flocked here. That's not to say that if you're not a step you can't have an opinion ..... of course you can ..... but I suppose I find it strange that they're here in the first place .... why ?? Anyhow ..... as others have acknowledged, and as I know only too well, for those of us who are steps, and who are in difficult step situations, there is usually a long and complicated back story which often contributes to us appearing to be "unreasonable" when we sometimes sound off. With that in mind I'm not going to condemn you but for god's sake woman get your glasses sorted out !!!!!

Can't believe that someone who needs glasses to drive and doesn't have contact lenses (presumably, or you wouldn't be making such a fuss) only has ONE PAIR of glasses.

Fair enough MJ. I'll try and PM Petal.

Its not on AIBU, is it?

Petal: Thought id offer some constructive advice rather than pile in and call you names

Having my DSD 6 weekend days out of 8 a month I completely relate to how it feels to want to do some things without a child tagging along. I think a lot of step parents can relate to that even if they love their step child and do generally enjoy their company, that would be me.

The fact that you don't really enjoy the company of yours, for reasons some of us are aware of on here, just compounds the problem and so I can see how you've got yourself in a tizwoz today. You know it is pretty unreasonable to demand one on one time with DH during an access weekend, right? But your DH should have said when you arranged to go with him only that if your DSS wanted to come, he would allow him. He must know that this kind of thing bothers you and if he wants to be with you despite the flaw (for want of a better word) he should manage that behaviour properly, not make promises he won't keep.

Lets take your Dss's age out of the equation... if he was 9 would you feel so annoyed by not being able to have a one on one trip in to town with your DH? I'm guessing the answer would be no...

So your issue is that he's 16 and in your mind he should be doing some thing more teenagerish yes?

Is there anyway you can encourage that? Does he have friends nearby that you could arrange for him to spend time with? I often arrange for DSDs friends to come round here or for her to meet them in town etc.. Its not to selfishly spend time with DP, it's because if left to her own devices, DSD would never make the effort-and she does enjoy ding things independant of her Dad, but whilst in his care... if that makes sense. It's still dad that takes the call when she needs picking up/books the cinema tickets/gets dinner ready for when she comes home etc. It creates a natural home environment.

It is as a rsult of this that she has built a social life that fits in with her life here with her dad and I as well as at her mums. I feel like otherwise it would be at her mums that her real life happened and at ours where she just 'visited' her dad.

Anyway, I think practical stuff like picking up glasses etc is best done alone and save time with your DH for more enjoyable activities

Do you feel better for getting it off your chest?

Ah I see, thanks MJ.

Mj, I am really surprised you have taken such a supportive stance with the OP, considering how you refer to your own step children as 'bonus children' and have said on previous threads that you love them unconditionally and consider yourself to have 5 DC rather than just your own 3 (or however many children you have, sorry I can't remember & I don't stalk you! ). You sound like a wonderful, caring parent - be it birth or bonus.

Petal posted a very contentious OP, asking if she was BU - albeit in the step-parenting topic. I think I posted out in my first response that she was likely to get a roasting regardless of the topic.

I actually find it pretty offensive that unless you are a regular contributor to the SP topic your opinion seems to be worth jack shit. It is more than a little bit cliquey and leaves quite an unpleasant taste in my mouth.

I have 12 years experience of being a step parent - some brilliant times, some more challenging. I would never, ever refer to my DSS as a lump or refuse like a sulky brat of a child to go out at the same time as him. That behaviour - as stated by the OP - has been what has been challenged by other posters on this thread. Not all step mothers are wicked (I am living proof ), but then neither are they all saints. It should be possible for someone to post AIBU, to have people say yes you bloody well are (as the majority have done) and for some good advice to be listened to and taken heed of. Stroking Petal's ego is not going to help her, her SS or their situation.

"There were times when I felt physically sick with dread at the thought of another weekend with a screaming swearing 10 year old, or when I sat in my car crying, because I couldn't face going home to a violent aggressive angry 14 year old, especially having come out of a violent relationship"

I can't imagine anyone would disagree with you MJ. There's not a soul among us would relish that.

But OP does not have this to deal with. Nowhere near. She is simply ( as far as I can tell) being petty and jealous, in the face of a loving relationship between father and son. She wants to be prioritised over her husband's son, even on arranged access dates. End of.