Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

ooo who is being aggressive now? Lol!

My messages are being deleted quite a lot because they show you up don't they OP

I have no idea whos got the hump with who on this thread

Isn't access time supposed to be time for them together? - not just a different room for the lad to kip in for the night.
Good on his son for making the effort.
But it is pathetic that it's down to the son to make the effort. It must be just horrible to feel unwanted and unwelcome. I'm not surprised your husband's unhappy with you. I'm surprised he's let it go on really.

Oh and I'm sure that if your step son still lived with his dad and saw him at the end of every day, he probably wouldn't want to go shopping with him.
But he doesn't have that time. The access time is all he has.

Exactly Paisley - are all the friends kids who seem so secure and independent having to make do with access weekends too? I doubt it.

I think that all my ranting asides, it is fair to say that the OP is ignorant of the relationship between a parent and child.

What you say there Paisley is absolutely right.

The OP thinks 'why can't he just piss off and leave us to do things on our own?' and thinks he's being pathetic. She doesn't recognise that in opting out of going to town together, she is adopting the role of a needy child herself. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP is younger than her dh. She certainly comes over as lacking in experience and maturity, and also empathy.

That she has no children herself is obvious, and her resentment stems from never knowing what it is to prioritise a child.

That is to say, she is lacking experience, maturity and empathy as regard to this particular situation....not overall...as I wouldn't have a clue about that.

whatever the back story is, it is deeply unattractive and nasty for a grown woman to sulk at home because her teenage stepson wnats to go out with her and his dad.

you could have said, great, I'll go to the opticians, meet you guys for a coffee in an hour and then we'll do XYZ....

i'm intersted to know what kind of back story makes excluding yourself from your step sons life ok

At the risk of pointing out the obvious to you OP, I would assume the other teenagers you know see their Dads at breakfast and dinner every night of the week, they have lots of time to chat with their parents and are more likely to not see the need for time with them at the weekends. Your Stepson gets a couple of days every other week with his dad - so he is obviously more likely to want to make the most of that time, compared to other DCs who can see their parents at any time.

If you don't want to spend time with your SS on the weekends he visits, perhaps you could arrange to go visit your friends and do things you enjoy, or do you just want to hang round your DH like a lump?

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than wade straight in, but I am struggling here as there's no more information forthcoming.

I have lolled at usual suspect, I'm having trouble keeping up too. The thread certainly seems to have done nothing but given an arena for the recent feud to continue, which is a real shame.

I know that I only really used to make a point of meeting up with my dad for a game of snooker or whatever after I moved out of home.
When I lived under the same roof as my dad - it probably wouldn't have occurred to me.

you cant compare a step relationship to that of parent and child. It is different to learn to prioritise somebody elses child

My view is the resentment stems from feeling like she has to forge a relationship instead of letting it naturally devlop into whatever it may be - even if that ends up being a tolerant fondness...better than raging resentment.

OP - I would suggest you dont plan anything with your DH whilst SS is there....make those days your time to do as you wish. Be pleasant but distant. Once the feelings you are having have disappeared you could look at taking things further with your SS....but your husband has to be on board with this plan of action.

To be vilified is not at all helpful and will make the resentment worse. I'm sure there are times you all want to go somewhere without the kids to do something - the difference is that as the parent you can tell kids 'not this time' without feeling horrible but the OP has no control at all which seems to be inflaming the situation.

Right - we'll leave it there. I'm just cross I broke my glasses, I can't drive without them cos I can't see beyond the end of the bonnet, so I can't take myself into town. We have buses every third Tuesday (or something like that). If we take SS into town, he will literally cling to DH like a small child, and we won't get anything done.

I stand by my views and am not backing down.

Thank you to the numerous posters who have sent me messages of support via PM, this thread now seems to have got completely 'off track' and has become another place for angry people to do battle with each other.

It is the child's relationship with his parent though.

I agree Connie, and truly wasn't suggesting she should prioritise him as her husband does....that would be silly. I was merely saying that she shows that she has little comprehension of the strength of feelings between her dh and his son.

Her OP says she thinks she is being entirely reasonable and that her dh is silly in being upset.

To refuse to go into town because her dh's son is going to go too, is indicative of this. She has little grasp that her husband's loyalties may lie elsewhere other than with herself. She doesn't see why she should share.

And I can't see without my glasses, whether it's an access weekend or not.

No-one was stopping you getting new glasses OP. You put the kybosh on that all by yourself.
Just stop it.

McHobbes - with SS in tow, I stand zero chance of getting new glasses. That was my point.

Why not? If you all went into town together what is stopping you going to the optician on your own?