Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

Absolutely.
I didn't read any of your former posts about your step children, so I don't know anything about it.

I am only calling it as it is presented to me, here and now, and I'm afraid with expressions such as '16yr old lump' 'goonfest' and 'clingy', simply owing to the fact that the lad wants to spend time with his father on arranged access dates, I do not find myself in the poster's favour.

I cannot read any more into it than that...but you do, and that's grand.

you are right not to condemn, however, you have the benefit of knowing more about the poster and her situation

i think that if a poster had said this about her birth child, she'd have got perhaps less condemnation but equally, a fair amount of, buck up, it's your child and you need to put their needs first and get some perpsective

i would like to understand why the OP is in this mindset, but by knee jerk reaction, whether wrong or not, is , why would you cut yourself off like that?

Just go into town together and go into the opticians on your own, tell them what time you will meet them.

I will pm Petal with my thoughts

But just to add my opinions here - I think the largest part of the problem is that there is an 'access weekend' situation for an almost-17 year old. It's bleeding ridiculous. At that age, the situation should be much more flexible. To have such rigid arrangements creates a truly false version of reality for someone that age. So instead of choosing to see his father when he wants, the 'child' is, for whatever reason, following an arrangement put into place a large number of years ago, which means he is stuck to his father's side for a whole weekend non-stop. I personally don't know any teenagers who would choose to spend 3 days literally glued to a parent's side. It would be much more natural if the 'child/young adult' could come and go as he pleased.

This is what Petal finds frustrating, that there is still such a rigid false silly arrangement after all this time. And as far as I'm aware, the problem here is not distance, but apathy.

So if the 'child' chooses to continue this rigid arrangement until he's still, say, 25, then Petal is expected to do her own thing every other weekend?? Until when - when he's 30, 35, or what?

And for what it's worth, I regret being such an attack dog on this thread...so for that OP, I apologise....but my pov still stands. You are supposed to be the adult in this situation, but you are not behaving like one.

Your dh is bound to find your petulant child routine upsetting and off putting and I am not at all surprised he is upset with you.

I have not read all responses as I am just to amazed at the childishness a grown woman can show.
I 11 children 7 which were inherited, bonus kids , step kids whatever you want to call them but in the end they are children. Children who deserve to have two parents, therefore no way would I try and interfere with any time my hubby spends with his children or them him. His children where on his scene long before I was..... and its the same for you.
You show this child no respect, ITS HIS WEEKEND with his father how bloody dare you arrange time alone with your Husband on that lads time. YOU are the one that's wrong, not your hubby (who you are selfishly putting between a rock and a hard place )
You are selfish and mean spirited for wanting to take precious time away from the stepson with the father he obviously adores.
Jealousy doesn't cut it, its just mean and nasty and thoughtlessly selfish.
We have had holidays , special days, all sorts of arrangements ambushed and scuppered because of our children (and they are all adult and independent now) but their needs will always come first. That's the deal when you become a parent, its even more in the contract when you become a step parent.
Grow up and get a reality check..
you certainly need new glasses , those rose tinted ones you are looking through ain't working .

agreed allnew. I lived alone by 17, my mum, dad and I lived in 3 counties between us!

opticians on a saturday for 'quality time' with your DH....that bit is madness alone,before even moving on to the other issues here!!

i feel sorry for your DH......he'll be on the market again soon i'm guessing if you carry on like this!!

I certainly wasn't ready to live alone at 17, I still really needing my parents. I wasn't developmentally ready to be independant. I didn't even have any hair under my arms, for God's sake! just because, rarely, some 17 year olds are completely adult doesn't mean they all aare. Many are not.

And I suspect if this child didn't still have his access weekend in place, he would find his access scuppered, eiyther deliberately or subconsciously, by a woman who doesn't want him near her.

Allnew - you raise a very pertinent point.

However, I think these access visits stop, as a matter of routine, when the OP's dh and his son decide to.

The OP says she works with vulnerable teenagers, so then she must surely have some idea that teens all mature at different rates? They are not all the same, any more than ALL women are, or ALL 5 year olds, or whatever...

I can recall my mate's 16 son being very little boy still, at the age of 16, but at 18 being far more advanced and 'typical' teeny.

My point being is that what stage of maturity the lad should be at is not for the OP to decide, and seeing as the access visits are still very much a part of the lad's life and enjoyed by both him and his father....she needs to wind her neck in and stop trying to make him choose. She is being very selfish.

I moved out of home at 17 btw, and would never have spent weekends enwined with my father (my parents were divorced) - but that's just me. OP's dh and his son can do as they please. As can the OP - like going to the bloody optician ALONE.

the other problem with access weekends not being routine (regardless of age of the stepchildren) is that the non-resident parent gets overlooked, and pushed ot the bottom of a list.

and I don't mean overlooked in favour of friends, but rather that the child/teen does their thing - sees friends, does sport, hangs out/sleeps/mooches around, as they should.

and then the resident parent claims time left over - after all, most parents want ot see their children occasionally , and the non-resident parent is pushed ot the bottom of the pile.

and maybe (I don't know the full extent of Petal's situation), the dss is glued to his father's side because he has not been allowed to fostr new relationships/friendships when with his father. "not allowed" by his mother, I mean, not by his father or by Petal.

that is certainly the situation we find ourselves in - my step children have been encouraged all their lives to not include their father in their day-to day life (encouraged by hteir mother, obviously). they were specifically banned form inviting friends over when they were younger - try as he might, dh could not overturn this. and it continues ot this day.

so, now they are adults (20 and 21). my dsd is likely to do exactly as Petal's dss would - come along on every little outing, be involved. fine, that's great (well, a little wearing at itmes, but it would be if she was my own daughter), and not always the most convenient, but she is here to spend time with us and has no alternative, as she knows no-one here, and is still stuck in the rut of not inviting her friends to ours. so she has the choice of being bored or coming along with us - not the best of choices for her, but that's what she wants ot do.

my dss woudl sleep, tbh. lazy fecker . but then he misses out on contact time with his dad.

I really don't understand why Petal insists that teens do not normally do things like pop into town with their parents - both my step children did (and do, even dss does soemtimes) - as pointed out by another poster, maybe a bite of lunch etc - jst a nice normal, family situation.

I don't understand the requirement of posters to swear and hurl abuse at others to 'get' their point across. I only presume they don't know how to communicate in any other way. All very play ground like, and behaviour I have not encountered in adults until I stubbled across MumsNet.

Petal, very sorry that you are getting slatted here! People here seem to be quick to judge and not to offer advice. Also dont worry about the words you used to describe your stepson. I hear parents use terms like that in real life, only it doesnt sound so bad when you speak it. And with the atmosphere on these boards, people always like to think the worst of someone. It reminds me of the old witch hunts.

The scenario you are painting seems to me that you have arragements or plans, or you believe a day is going to run in a certain way, but the arrangements are changed, and it leaves you feeling either lacking control or unconsulted? Or just simply annoyed that you were going to go to the opticians with just your OH, and thats what you have planned in your head, but suddenly its changed and it leaves you feeling annoyed?

Is it this, the change in situation, that is getting to you, which is then becoming projected onto the cause of the change, the step son?

I have step children at that age, and they still like to come out with us to town etc if they have nothing else planned. I also became frustrated when the plans were changed at the last minute. This frustration may be something non step parents understand, so ignore the negative comments.

I found I needed to take control of the situation. And with only having the stepson at weekends, I think you do need to prepare yourself with him participating in family activities. If you want to do something, and you dont want your step son to be involved, can you arrange to do it with family or friends? But also, if you have trips out planned with your OH during visitation weekends, take control and invite the step son too. This may leave you feeling more incontrol of the weekends and situation, and also positively impact your relationship with your step son.

On non step son days / weekends, arrange to do something nice with your OH and have that as 'your time' .

nell "This frustration may be something non step parents understand, so ignore the negative comments"
excuse me , but I am a step parent and I don't understand the OP stance on this at all. She appears to be an ungrateful selfish woman with no room for anyone but herself.
Since my last post I have read several of her comments and she speaks of her step son as being unmotivated... he is probably so well aware of the negative vibes she is emitting he feels thoroughly uncomfortable with her and the clinging to his father is even more understandable now,

OP is a whiny me me me poor excuse of motherhood whether thats mum or step mum...she should be thoroughly thoroughly ashamed of herself.

Would someone like to tell me why they reported my post and what it was, exactly, that was offensive?

I stand by my views and am not backing down

Then why waste eveyones time by asking if you are being unreasonable. Why not just say 'I need a rant'.

Self indulgent.

Also, stop being such a prat. If you need your glasses so badly why have you told your DH you will just stay home and do housework? Of couse you can buy glasses when there is a 16 year old there, it's not crotchless panties.

The 'looks' you were getting in the street were probably aimed at you, a grown woman, sulking and pouting like an 8 year old.

[I have also asked MN why it was deleted]

I dont believe the OP has posted anything unusal or nasty, she is just stating a situation that has happened, and how she feels about it. Nothing wrong with that.

And it sounds like you are having positive experiences of being a step parent (based on your reponse above), which is great, you dont often read about these, and maybe these need to be highlighted more often.

Petal, I hope those that have PMd you have offered you empathy, and you receive the support you require.

What I find interesting is that the OP is berating a 16 year old child for not spending time on his own when he is meant to be spending time with his father, yet appears to be unable to go to an opticians by herself.

fit2drop (11 DC - you must be!!), I know exactly what you mean. There is a massive assumption in this topic that if you are not a regular poster then you are not a step-parent and therefore know not of what you speak. Which is utter nonsense. There are a lot of step-parents who do not resent the time their DH/P spends with his children. Nell my negative comments come as a step-mother first and foremost, thank you

I think it is fanastic that Petal's SS wants to spend proper time with his father during his access visits.

I think some of the posters on this thread and the regular posters on this topic should take a long good look at themselves actually and realise that some things are just not acceptable. Petal's OP and subsequent posts on this thread are just that. I hope to God her SS never realises the extent that she dislikes him.

I realise I only speak on the evidence presented by Petal's posts on this thread - to be honest, I can't be arsed to read through the several hundred posts she has written moaning about her situation.

MJ - I didn't think it would be you, not for a minute - if you felt strongly enough about something I'd said I'm pretty sure you'd just say so! At least I hope you would.

I really don't understand why mine was reported - I can't see anything offensive in it

I know you disagree with the majority of us about Petal and maybe it's just a case of a small snapshot not coming over very well - but the things she has said on this thread have been pretty horrible (IMO).

Rindercella, I must admit I only read some of the comments made by some of the posters and cant specifically recall yours. So sorry if I have offended you.

From this post alone, I dont pick up dislike, only frustration. You may pick up something else, such as dislike. I guess thats why we are individuals, we read something then apply our own personal experiences to what is being said, and we also hear the words being spoken in different tones and ways in our head. I guess its called spin.

People seemed to get lynched at, all because someone else has interpreted their post in a certain way.

With the amount of posts I have read over the last week with people being sworen at and villianised over something they wrote is crazy. Mumsnet only covers a small portion of the population, and, if there are that many bad mums/stepmums/people as declared in these posts, in this small sample, then what must the rest of the world be like! Thats why I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to understand their predicament.

I dont believe people on Mumsnet that come across as negative, or asking for help or advice / opinions are nasty or bad mothers, I just think people get losed, frustrated and just need to rant. People who dont have this requirement are very lucky!

Anyway, I got sidetracked onto these boards. I was on the pregnancy and loss ones, and was slightly taken a back at some people reponses to other peoples problems.

What I don't understand is when you meet someone who has had a a child or children in a previous relationship / marriage surely you take that on too. Unless they popped out the woodwork AFTER you got married then there is no excuse. You know as an adult exactly what you have let yourself in for. Not having your own children is no excuse for saying "I didn't realise what I was taking on"
Tough shit, because surely you should have found out before you get deeply involved to the point of marriage.
Now that last sentence sounds so simplistic. I already had my own four children when I met my hubby so when I inherited the seven step kids I thought., it would be reasonably easy. It wasn't!!! it is hard and there is always someone with a problem or crisis or whose needs come before mine but you know what, no matter how difficult I found it or my hubby found it we never lost sight of the fact that however difficult it was for us it must be ten times harder for the kids who indirectly had no say over the terms and conditions of their suddenly exploded extended family. You suck up the frustrations and bloody hell the rewards are fan-bloody-tastic.
Get a grip OP, get- a -life that doesn't depend on you hanging on your hubbys shirttails.
If you cannot select a pair of specs on your own then I pity the poor kids you are supervising, what the hell are you teaching them ...