Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

I am also actually very confused as to why you have a problem with him wanting to spend time with you as a family. He is part of your family. He sounds very sweet, actually.

But he probably misses his dad a lot. In the same situation, some children would be out-and-out mean to the stepmother because they're hurting. Sounds as though he's mature enough to realise that he's not going to change his dad's mind about you, so wants to spend time with his dad when you're there.

Perhaps he spends time doing other things when he is not spending precious time with his dad? It's a moot point anyway because it's not up to you!

I'm not sulking, far from it, I'm just exercising my right not to spend saturday afternoon with the most un-motivated teenager on the planet.

Petal (and I do wish I could remember everything I want to put in a single post), what, IMO, you need to do is this. A) be thankful that you have a DH who gives a shit about his kid. B) Be thankful that you have a stepson who isn't trying to come between you, but, rather, is accepting of you, and WANTS to be treated as family by you. C) In the nicest possible way, get over yourself. You can't make your DH choose, and that seems to be what you're trying to do. If you get involved with a man who already has children, you need to accept that he has to treat those children as his priority, as much as he would if they were your children too. If that makes sense. Your DSS is still a kid. He's not going to be a kid for ever. In the interests of your relationship with your DH, if for no other reason, you need to stop comparing him negatively with other kids of the same age and try to love him a bit more.

Fine. And let your husband exercise his right to spend his time with his child.

Do you have any children of your own Petal?

You work with teens, really?

But how do you know he's unmotivated? Perhaps he sidelines his interests in order to spend time with his dad. If he was totally unmotivated, he'd be lounging at home watching TV, and wouldn't be up for trailing round town all afternoon.

He probably spends a lot of time with his friends when he is with hims mum.
He sounds very sweet, not at all dependant and tbh you sound vile.

Stropicana - yes I do work with teens! And have done for quite some time.

Whydobirds - it's quite hard NOT to compare SS to other kids of the same age, when a lot of teens I deal with have had very difficult starts in life, and yet all have a 'spark'.

Are you in the right job OP?

Yeah well tough. That's his son and that's the end of it. He is doing nothing untoward to you whatsoever, and you sound so peevish and me me me it's almost laughable.

You don't have to like him, but you DO have to tolerate him politely and with good grace.

Grow up woman!

Stropicana - I love my job, I've been doing it for years. Please don't criticise my professional abilities, as I don't beleve you've ever observed me in the workplace.

Maybe apply your professional skills at home then?

Why is McHobbes so aggressive? OP YABU and probably know this.

But your SS obviously does have a spark - he wants to spend time with his dad (and for some unknown reason, his step-mother). He is not choosing to sit on his arse all day watching TV/playing PS3/whatever. He wants to get out & about.

Do you have children of your own Petal?

You're going to get yourself dumped if you go on like this

I'm at a loss really as to why you'd planned to go glasses shopping on your access weekend? I've got a dss (aged 13) and we always make an effort to do something HE likes to do on the weekends he's with us (ie skateboard park, cinema, favourite restaurant etc)

Since you work with teenagers you must know that some of them are sullen, awkward and not the best company in the world, but fucking hell, it's no wonder with a step mum like you.

How long have you been married to your dh?