Am I being unreasonable?

[Petal02]

This weekend is an access weekend. DH is at work this morning, SS16 has gone with him. We had planned that DH and I would go into town this afternoon, just the two of us, as I need to choose some new glasses frames. No big deal.

DH has just phoned, and said that SS16 is coming into town with us. (Heart sinks). So I say, well if you two want to go into town together, then that's fine, I've got plenty of stuff to do round the house. Husband says "but I thought you wanted new glasses", I said "yes, but it can wait til next weekend." Husband says "what's made you change your mind", I reply "you've just said you're now going into town with SS16." Husband says "but can't we all go together?" I say "no, I'll carry on with my housework."

Husband not happy with me. I know exactly what he wants - he wants us all to go into town, as a family. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but SS is nearly 17 !!!! Not only did I want a few hours of quality time with DH (yes, even on an access weekend, aren't I a selfish cow) but I don't want to have a 6ft lump trailing round opticians with us. Also, I'm not in the mood for playing gooseberry, cos that's what it would be.

There's just something so wrong about a child (?) of nearly 17 who wants to follow his father and stepmother round choosing glasses on a Saturday afternoon. Is it just me? Does anyone else get where I'm coming from? This just feels wrong at so many levels. I'm not trying to stop husband from seeing his son, I've simply opted out of the trip once I learnt it was going to be a goonfest (to put it bluntly).

The week before Christmas, we were heading out to buy more tree decorations, when SS16 decided he wanted to come too. So I opted out. Husband didn't get it. Please tell me that some of you can understand my stance.

AIBU?

Singleproudmum - taking any sort of advice from you is rather like taking financial advice from a bankrupt.

Petal, you sound charming

Do you have any children of your own?

Isore - you can't understand why I'd choose to go shopping on an access weekend. You've actually hit the nail on the head in a strange sort of way - because in a bio family, if you had a 16 yr old, surely you could go shopping for glasses, or anything else you wanted, on any weeekend you choose?

Fran - you are right...I AM being a bit too rantity rant....but this has really irked me!

What sane mature right thinking adult whines like this because her husband's son expects to spend time with his father in the allocated access times?

She resents it sufficiently enough to bail out of prior made arrangements because the onus is not on her for the afternoon.

Tis ludicrous!

Petal02, I know for a fact you are not the only step parent who feels like this, sadly. I think you were either brave or naive to admit this on an open forum though. Perhaps have a heart to heart with your dh, tell him how you feel and that you're not proud of feeling like this (you aren't are you?). His son needs his dad and if your dh didn't put his ds first could you respect him as I couldn't. As for some of the aggression on here I'm disgusted.

It's an access weekend. So planning a fairly mundane activity for just you and DH was unreasonable, wasn't it? And sulking and bowing out because "a 6' lump" (your own rather revealing words) was coming along - well, words fail me.

YABU, and pretty horrible with it.

Fransandisco - I don't mind being open on this forum, because we are all anonymous. It's generally only fellow stepparents who understand,those who don't have step children can't relate to it.

I wouldn't pass judgement on a Miscarriage board (for example), because I've never had experience of it.

I just thought that my stepson would be a bit more independent, and less clingy by now, that's all. It gets frustrating sometimes.

Fran? You are shocked by some of the aggression on this thread?? I am shocked by some of the appalling language the OP has used to describe her step son.

Hopefully the OP's husband will get his eyes tested this afternoon and see the light

Petal, you are wrong. Your attitude is not something that 'only fellow step-parents' understand.

Rindercella - where have I used appalling language????? The phrase '6 ft lump' is hardly bad language.

Um... I have stepchildren, one the same age as yours. I can tell you that you are just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your DH isn't going to sacrifice time with his son just so he can go buy glasses with you. So expect to be sitting at home by yourself a lot on access weekends, if you can't be bothered to make an effort with this harmless boy. And also expect your DH to get increasingly pissed off with your attitude to his child.

Petal, do you have your own children?

I hadn't specifically expected my husband to exclude his son from anything this weekend, it's just that I never expected SS16 would be interested in trailing round opticians.

However, thanks for the advice, next time I break my glasses, I'll check the calendar first, to check that it's not an access weekend.

No I do not have my own children.

Go on your own??

I didn't say bad language OP, I said appalling. In context, this meant an appalling way to speak of your step son.

I ask if you have your own children as if you did, you would more clearly understand what you were asking. Consider if you did and your husband came on the internet, bleating about them, complaining that you spend your precious 2 days out of 14 (assuming DH's contact is every other weekend) with them and not with him.

Be proud of your husband and son's relationship - don't resent it. You are not in competition with your SS.

If he is 16 going on 8, he may have some kind of learning difficulty. In which case, would you feel the same?

I wouldn't have a problem shopping for Xmas decs, no matter what the age of stepchildren, after all your dp / dh is over the age of 18 I assume?! I would agree with other posters, it's a family thing.

The shopping for specs is a bit different, I would expect my teenage children to be bored stiff.

Could you all go for a pizza together? Perfectly reasonable family activity for grumpy stepmums (god knows I am one) and gormless lumps teen step kids.

SPM - if the regulars on this board wished to tell me I was being unreasonable, I'm sure they would say so, we've all got the balls to tell each other when we're wrong, and that's why we post.

Am not quite sure what you mean, that I am getting what I deserve?

This is clearly a wind up.
How can the son be un motivated when he has got up on a Saturday morning and gone to work with his dad?

My 'lump' of a teenage son went to work with his dad this morning and did some clearing out at the unit and they have come back for a minute to get a brew and are going into to town to get some stuff.
No doubt DH will treat son to a DC t shirt or something but so far so normal rather like the OP's opening post.

Yes Op you said it you are a seldfish cow.

Surely if you work with teenagers (same as me funnily enough) you will know that teenagers can have more than one side to their personaility e.g. be fun loving, enjoy being with mates, having time with your family etc a bit like everyone else really.

Yes petal I can understand your stance.

Isore - we are talking about a nearly 17 year old, not a 13 year old. You shouldn't have to "plan activities" for an access weekend with a young adult. He has spent the morning with his dad - a couple of hours chilling on his own or with his mates is not unreasonable and would be more normal.

I think it would be better if access weekends were generally more normal - otherwise the children can feel like they are staying in a hotel where no real life things have to happen.

Also your DH knows you feel like this from previous instances so he could be more understanding of your needs. I find it hard when I don't feel as though my DH is "making room" for me in the family. I may as well not be here when his DCs are - except for the fact that I do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping which means all he has to do is spend "quality time" with his kids - but that's not real life.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Normal life should go on. He can survive without his dad for a couple of hours. It will do him good to see his dad loking after your feelings and needs too. He will have his own relationships and what he learns about looking after those relationships from you and his dad will have a big impact on how successful those relationships are.