The Goose & Carrot Pub

[RedRegular]

A thread for all who have DC with SN. The thread is deleted in 90 days and doesn’t show in active. The season is changing and the bar is well stocked.

I'm sorry you're carrying so much @Zeonlywayisup . I ended up sobbing yesterday that I just couldn't be what everyone needs me to be. It's so tiring, isn't it?

Yes exhausting and I don’t know why but it’s reaching a pitch here that is overwhelming. Sunday is my reset day though and it’s bank holiday so there is more time as well. I think we just need to calm.

I think it’s interesting that dd1 calmed when you were out. Could it be that if you are there she must report symptoms and so is fixated on that but when you are absent she can let herself relax? I’d test it again. Habits and recurring intrusive thoughts and the need to report and rising stress as it spirals sounds very OCD and maybe thinking about it in those terms could help with finding a way out?

I’m enjoying a fb page “open future learning”. It’s fairly arsey advocacy focused on care for adults with LD. Lots of interesting (imo) thoughts on care and life I think.

Sorry things are getting overwhelming @Lougle and @Zeonlywayisup It's hard when you are giving everything you have and it's not enough to solve all the issues.

Did more gardening with DH for 2 hours and then said to DS about the new shed idea and that it's for him and will have electrics but probably won't be until next year as have to get planning and LBC and they have to make it. I mentioned the neighbours tree/plant has small branches over the current shed and if he felt like cutting them that was fine with us and would be good. Doubt he will do anything but he did cut ivy before. I can't reach but he is half a foot taller than me so could reach.

Also discussed financing with DH and made progress. He initially said we would pay 50/50 each but when I suggested using some pip / UC as we need to spend it and the shed is primarily for DS he was initially like but then we could not use it. I said we could do a percentage. Then DH agreed it was a good idea. Will need to get quotes in and then adjust but getting there.

I think you're right, @Zeonlywayisup - when she's distressed, she thinks that hospital is the solution and thinks that she needs to tell me how awful it is so I will take her to hospital. Similarly, when she was experiencing psychosis, she was campaigning to be sectioned, because hospital=treatment=safety. She doesn't understand that hospitals can only treat diagnosable conditions with defined treatments, and that psychiatric hospitals are anything but safe havens.

On the subject of dieting, it's worth thinking about personality. I'm an all or nothing person. I find it easier to skip an entire meal than to moderate what/how much I eat in a meal. Similarly, I'm better at cutting out a food group than reducing it. I feel much more deprived if I can't have yummy butter, etc., so low fat isn't my thing. When I had put on 10kgs and wanted to go back to my normal, I did the low carb diet. First couple of days were sad, but then I was fine and the weight fell off. DD2, by contrast, is simply miserable if she can't eat carbs, so she lost 10kg by using Slimming World because it allows all the carbs but it's low fat.

Honk honk

Helping DD with her maths revision for a test. Thankless task.

I put on weight after always being thin when chemo put me into menopause then DS was in hospital and I didn't realise until about 1 1/4 years later when had a hospital check for me and they weighed me and I had gone up 14kgs (Nov 23). I have lost it all and maintained since then but it took around a year to lose via calorie counting and exercise and was tough going. But has made a huge difference - I was struggling with walking (may have been part cancer treatment but was having breathing issues similar to asthma) and those went completely. I also found after I lost the weight again and regained my hair and breast reconstructed people are so much nicer with me. Exercise (apart from swimming which I could swim a mile throughout) is easier as you aren't carrying 14kgs round with you.

I did an analysis of where the calories were coming from. I could calculate must have been adding at 1kg a month so thats 7700 excess calories a month or roughly 250 a day. So I knew I needed to reduce by 250 a day to maintain and to lose at 1kg a month would be another 250 calories a day. I realised quite a bit of it was when we visited DS we stayed at a hotel where they had meals included which were calorific and also after swimming at the pool there we would often grab a KFC on way back. Coffee with milk was another one. I cut sugar out of drinks and just drank either tea with milk (20 cals) or sparkling water with lime juice (10 cals), that cut maybe 200 calories a day and that was pretty easy to do. The other 300 a day was tough and I could not do very low carbs as I get faint / feel sick etc and for me the best way was exercise. And that's why I started gardening, its about 200 calories an hour, and bonus is garden looks much better. I have my BMI back at 23 now. Gardening also made me much stronger. There's loads of MNetters who use the injections. It maybe worth discussing with a doctor if you want to lose weight and they can go through options. It is very tough but very worth it.

One thing as well is when you eat sugary foods it can often make you crave more foods after. So I needed to reduce sugar intake but not to the extremes some take it to - so would have white bread whenever but things like pasta, cake more occasional or exercise to make up calories.

Losing weight is an alchemy that I do every year. 2 months to lose 1 stone, have blood tests, put it all back on and more in the next 10 months when life gets tough. We shall see if medication is my answer.

Hope the meds help @RedRegular Its a bit depressing that post menopause its 1350 calories per day (plus any exercise) to maintain. Though that does motivate me to exercise.

I find nice fruit and veg helps motivate me and DS to eat better food - the farm shop veg and fruit generally tastes better and I write down what we have and plan the meals. Luckily for me DH loves cooking. Over the past couple of years I've been trying to cut UPF down as well and make sure red meat is no more than 3 times a week. I have done the 30 plants a week occasionally, I don't do it all the time as I think its heading into eating disorders territory but when I have say greek yoghurt with lots of different fruit then after I want fruit. I can't wait for corn on the cob to come back. We have cut down a bit on takeaways and now some food from the Chinese tastes bad which is good as its stops me being tempted as much. I also try not to eat out as much as possible, especially in winter when meals are heavy. I try to have a diet now with things I enjoy but I still check calories each day and weigh once a week even though been 1.5 years been fine. I am trying to get BMI down to 22 from 23 for the summer but not that bothered. I find it easier in summer when you can have salads though I have to avoid scones and cream and banana splits, had one yesterday or I need to exercise / garden which I did yesterday. Never have breakfast which helps just a cup of tea.

DH has been doing his classic car today.

This is similar to to me, but over a longer timeframe. I put weight on because of life. Lost weight over a couple of years, then put it all back on because of life. Then lost it all again, then put it all back on and more.

I listened to the audio book version of “Why we eat too much” it was interesting as it bought together a few scientific observations. My experience with MJ has convinced me it really isn’t as simple as calories in / out for some people not all but some. A bit like someone with adhd saying you just need to try a bit harder to sit still and concentrate. Or my mum on a lifetime of low fat diet and maintaining healthy weight but still has to be medicated for high cholesterol. I have also in the past lost weight via calorie counting and lots of exercise but once I hit late 40s just found it utterly impossible to sustain weight loss, and since reading about insulin intolerance (not the same as diabetes) really fascinating. I was super responsive to a low dose of MJ lost 1-2lbs a week, every week consistently for months to drop 4st with ease but being short and in my 50s so my maintenance is low at 1400c despite above average muscle tone & exercise daily. I’m still on a low dose to maintain, as despite really healthy eating habits every time I’ve stopped MJ within 4wks the insatiable craving for carbs come roaring back. The scientist in me finds it facinating that it could well be a chemical imbalance somewhere that has led to a lifetime of feeling not good enough as a person or willpower to stay slimmer really does damage your self esteem and identity - I was always “the chubby one” in the family as my older siblings seemed to stay effortlessly slim therefore I must have been the “lazy” one. Yet I would do double the exercise of my size 10 sister and still be a size16-18 my whole life.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself, too, though, @RedRegular . You have been an enormous source of support to your DD who is so very lucky to have a mother who can see her needs and support her in ways that people can't fathom. You have been an enormous support to your parents and faced very tough times. In the grand scheme of things, if a bit or even a lot of comfort eating is getting you through the loneliness and the tedium of long, intense nights, then it probably isn't the worst thing in the world. By all means give the WLI a bash, but don't be swept along by the notion that you have to 'succeed' at losing weight. You are already a success story by sustaining being the everything your DD needs.

Speaking of which, I'm heading into night 5 of the DD1 saga. She seemed a little better this morning, but I went out this afternoon and when I got back she was wailing. I did subtley ask DH if she had been crying while I was away (testing the theory that she was somehow needing to show me how very bad it all is) but he said she was crying for about 90 minutes while I was away. She's still up now, crying and saying she feels really sick, and she normally sleeps by 7.30pm. I just can't work out what it is that she's meaning by feeling sick, because she says she feels sick in one breath, then asks what's for dinner in the next. Yet, she is feeling something because she is sobbing and awake 4 hours after bed time.

@Lougle that is very kind of you.

My trouble is that I am always confident about how I look (I blame you DH and DF) so have absolutely no drive to change except for health and now that there is talk of annual feet and eye checks (no time for that) I’m having a go.

@FrostySunRun have you read ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ I have it on my to read list. I have a different experience of always being the fittest girl/woman, very strong and low BMI and body fat.

@RedRegular well you are pretty stunning 😄 I completely understand the health concerns and the WLI can be really effective. Both DM and DF have been on Mounjsro, and DM was on Ozempic before that. Interestingly, DM has been obese since, well, forever, I think. The WLI may as well be water in terms of their effect on her appetite and drive for food, but it has brought her HbA1c down. She might have lost 5kg over the last 2 years, but she's short and almost double her ideal body weight, so it's small change. DF is a feeder, though, and DM is so sedentary (practically sleeps in her chair all day) that her calorie requirements and metabolism must be very low. I reckon even 800 calories per day would be maintenance for her.

For DF, who is a real foodie, he used to be insanely skinny when I was young, then put on some weight in the last 20 years. But at 5'4" it was really noticeable and he was heading into. He was put on Mounjaro for diabetes, and he's lost 10kg which brings him into the healthy weight range.

DD1 was up, I think 4 times in the night. It might have been 5 but I lost count. She didn't go to sleep until 11.45pm, then I take ages to wind down, then at 12.30 I remembered that we didn't plug DD3's car in or put laundry on so I went down to do that.

DD1 seems to have be feeling obligated to give us status updates. So through the night we got 'My tummy is getting worse and I feel like I'm going to vomit'. Well it's quite a feat considering we had the worst pain ever starting 6 days ago and every day it has been worse. I think we must be up to a pain score of 50 out of 10 now. Then we got 'I've had a wee but it didn't help'. A bit later (you know when you have a newborn and you've just managed to wind down and start to drift off and they're crying again? Like that.) "I feel really sick and the pain is really bad but I think I'm going to try to rest and if I need medicine I'll tell you." Thanks. Then "I'm going to try to see if I need to be sick." 'Well, if you were going to be sick you'd....be sick' "Oh, good point, shall I go back to bed then?" Fantabydoozy...do that and pass the matchsticks for my eyes while you're at it.

New car day this afternoon. I hope we've made the right decision. DD3 still can't cope with the taxi so I'm driving her to school.

You poor thing @Lougle having to cope on so little sleep.

Had quote back for the shed/summerhouse and it doesn't tell us much more than before, its £12k to £18k depending on spec. But we have got more accurate costs on roof which is helpful and that's around £1,500 to £1,800 extra for a thatched roof over cedar shingles or clay tiles. That's less difference than we expected so DH is coming round to thatch. Their garden team are going to come round to our house to assess access, concrete base, measure, discuss designs etc. I would be interested to see how many extras there are or if they are included like taking away old shed, adding electrics. I've told DS about electrics and I could sense keeness in the air when I mentioned so you could plug in your ipad and have a mini fridge out there. Another thread on here said about £1k for electrics from house to shed so have a rough idea but not sure if that is included or not or if prices have risen. Their office design is fine with us with beams, wooden floor, electrics, insulated, painted walls inside, its lovely and looks like a small cottage. The only other thing is our neighbours trees which have small branches coming into our garden over the shed roof which will need to be cut. That neighbour seems nice and don't think they are precious about their garden (unusual around here) so hopefully will be straight forward though also nesting season issues but these are small branches and no evidence of birds. A squirrel. I have an e-mail out to insurance broker to see if any issue with thatched or plans to raise our insurance a large amount. We have to have an EICR every 5 years but they can add shed (did it at old house) and next one is due end of 2027 anyway so not too much of an issue.

Very exciting @Tulipandmagnolia . It all sounds lovely.

@Lougle the broken sleep and reporting on everything reminds me so much of my DD whenever she has a change in meds, she finds it difficult to identify what a sensation or need is but knows something is going on in her body and reports it to me, still does but it is off the scale when it is new meds or pain. Fandabbydozie times is about it. I am DD’s head office because she knows I make decisions.

@Tulipandmagnolia that all sounds very exciting. DS has something to look forward to, maybe he might engage with the tick box communication around things he might like inside the tiny home now his eyes have lit up at the thought of a charger and fridge.

I have been doing the exercises the osteopath recommended, plus some more I found online for inflammation of the sacroiliac joint (where my back problem lies), using a heated wheat bag and drinking golden milk. At the second session today, the osteopath said my back is no longer warm, my muscles are looser and the inflammation has gone! However, I have to continue with the exercises!

It’s amazing what a few days of exercising, the ultrasound treatments and manipulations can achieve - going from being barely able to stand up or bend down with painkillers, to being pain free 50% of the time!

That's great @BlueandWhitePorcelain

I'm not holding my breathe re communication improvements @RedRegular but DS does seem happier. He was slightly stompy earlier this week a couple of times and now looks like he has a happy spring in his step. We now have appointment next week with the man who builds the shed / summerhouse / offices. I am glad they are coming round and can check measurements and the base we have. So we will be out in the garden this weekend as well to ensure all the extra concrete base is clear, our base is about 3 foot wider than the shed. And I think I have a rough idea of how to finance though need exact figures. Quite excited DH may come round to a thatched roof, he beamed when I told him it was £1,500 to £1,800 extra as we had thought it would be about £6k extra.

DS was very anxious about going in today as his fit on Sunday left him with a black eye where he made contact with the floor. I waited in the car for him for half an hour and he got up the courage to come with me. Good lad.

He asked if I had ever had one so I told the DCs about the time I went up behind a friend and surprised him and he elbowed me in the eye, and about the time DS threw a bottle at me. "That was years ago" he said, not dismissively but I think to show he's changed. He has - he's a really different child now.
No luck in finding another English tutor or anyone who understands both speech and language difficulties and academic English. Found one dyslexia tutor who said it's beyond her, and one SALT who also teaches academic English (to adults though) but she's 90 mins away.
There's a dyslexia centre 30 mins away but they only do assessment, and I've just emailed another dyslexia tutor about the same distance.

@drspouse Sorry DS hurt himself during a seizure.

I will PM you two names to look at. Also, Learn with SAT might be able to help with a tutor too. I don’t know who they have with availability in your area at the moment.

@lougle how is the new car?

@BlueandWhitePorcelain I’m glad you are moving more freely.