Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Where does the girlfriend live now? Why can’t she stay there?

If you say no, what will happen? Is there other supported living or will they look to remove the baby into care?

I would say no. I won't work well.

It sounds like wouldn't be a liveable situation. What is their living situation now? Does social services see housing as the only barrier to the baby getting proper care from its parents? If you say no what is the outcome for them, would the baby remain with them and they be housed or looking unlikely?

Honestly, can they care for the baby in your opinion? I ask because I have direct experience of children being taken from a colleague, in his case he was an alcoholic and his partner had learning needs to a high enough level she was deemed as vulnerable as the children.

Say no. How heartbreaking, the baby has such a high risk of being born very high needs on the autism spectrum with 2 disabled parents and if both are learning disabled, are they capable of looking after a baby safely?

Don't believe social services about support. They promise the world and deliver absolutely nothing.

What will happen if you don't agree?

I think given all you say that you need to say no. I would be very wary of what support social services would offer and what they would do if it would not work out.

Just say no it would not work due to your work commitments. It's an easy fix for SS to house the young family with you. See what else they come up with, you can always retract and have them living with you. On the other hand, once they have moved in, it will be more difficult to find them something more appropriate.

There is no reason to suggest that they would be anything but the best of parents. Disability does not determine who is a good parent or not.

no you will end up a full time carer for 2 adults and a baby
As soon as they are with you SS will wash their hands

SS have to put huge pressure on family to house in these situations.

You have to be really firm. I actually hung up the phone on one social worker who wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Sadly, in my experience, social services will always seek to defer care to family if they can. It saves money and resource but places an incredibly high burden on the family. If it were me, I’d say no and push for them to live in supported housing, assuming they can safely care for a baby? There is a risk of course they might say the baby has to be taken into care but the alternative is that you provide the care (while also working and caring for your mum) and at the risk of your relationship breaking down. It’s a near impossible situation but if you accept this responsibility, it will be extremely difficult to unpick.

Has the baby been born yet, are there other options, where does she live now?
Why do social services feel they need to live with you and what happens if you say no?
Is your partner your sons dad, if not then I’d support my son and grandchild above him, but what do you want to do, would you be worried yourself of the idea of your son and girlfriend being able to care for your grandchild.

No, I'm afraid I wouldn't do that. I'd sooner just have the baby, but obviously that's not a good idea, either. I don't think that's a suitable place for any of them to live, all cramped in one room. It's too much to expect you to take on.

Where do they expect them to live the rest of the week?

I agree with PPs - social services are trying to rid themselves of this issue.

This. Support will be 0 and once they're in, getting them out again will be very difficult.

Say no now and save you all the tears.

It’s entirely sensible and reasonable for Social Services to ask.

It’s entirely sensible and reasonable for you to say no.

Well the father at least is 19, doesn’t have housing beyond a childhood bedroom, presumably doesn’t have a job. The situation is clearly bad enough for social services to get involved before the baby is even here. I would say that’s quite a lot of factors to suggest these parents are going to need a lot more help than most!

If social services are involved then it is reasonable to assume that both parents are not able to do this without support.

OP if you do this you should assume:

1. Next to zero support from social services. In their eyes if they are living with you, then YOU are the support and their work is done.

2. This baby will likely need your involvement on a practical level daily and this won't be short term.

3. The baby could also have additional needs and you will be in a position of now having to support and manage two adults and a baby with disabilities. That's a lot for anyone to take on.

4. There will be a financial impact for you and your partner.

5. There is the chance that you may have to become a full time guardian to this baby.

At most I would advise your son continues to live with you and you support him to be a father when the baby visits or is in his care.

Yep.
They'll promise you the earth and deliver zero support.
You'll end up having a nervous breakdown and your relationship with your boyfriend will end.

Two learning disabled parents that have social services involvement does not suggest they will be ‘the best of parents’. So while people with disabilities can make great parents, it’s unlikely in this case without a great deal of support.

They will need a huge amount of support and supervision OP, and it's not fair to commit to that if you're already caring for your DM. It's perfectly OK to say No, that doesn't work for us and mean it.

However it's a huge fail that they're going through this and someone dropped the ball of making sure they were using contraception. Is the GF getting support or does she also live at home?

OP it’s your decision to make. Your DP shouldn’t be giving you ultimatums. Blood is thicker than water and being there for your DS and DGC whether they move in or not, beats any other relationship imho.

Absolutely no way would I agree to that.

Really? Sounds like they have an immense number of challenges, none of which suggest they are equipped to be the ‘best of parents’. Let’s get real here.

OP, I feel for you and nobody would judge you for saying no.