Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

What happens when / if the mother has enough and says they can't come back?

Social services need to help them find a better solution.

Personally I believe society does have a responsibility to support and protect the vulnerable (both adult and children). Being disabled is the one minority group any of us could join at any moment.

The law says it is the responsibility of the state.

Equally why should it be the responsibility of the nearest relatives to be expected to provide this level of support ? If these two individuals can’t take care of the baby without 24/7 supervision then the obvious answer is for the state to intervene and if there are no suitable alternatives, to put the child up for adoption. Legally they are the responsibility of the state.

Ethically you may be right to an extent but we don't have that kind of social services system and we don't have the budget for the kind of supported living situation you're proposing. So for many/most parents who can't meet their children's needs for whatever reason, it's family support or it's foster care/adoption.

Or the couple split up.

Don’t feel guilty when you say no!
It’s a massive undertaking and son and gf need to sort their lives out with support from agencies.

Well yes, that's what I'm saying. But many people would rather their grandchildren not be adopted, so they step in. Where I disagree with pp is the argument that the state should step in indefinitely to safeguard against unsafe parents. That type of support doesn't exist and it really couldn't exist. The cost to the public purse would be insane.

You’re fucked if you do and fucked if you don’t.

I would say no.

I think the fact they can’t house a baby on their own suggests they might not be the best of parents.

Yes, I’d take them in. Whatever has happened, it isn’t the baby’s fault and your grandchild will need support.

I think this is interesting. OP, might it be an option to speak to the girl’s mother and see how she’s envisaging this will work during her time? It might be good just to have a bit of an air clear with someone who’s going through the same thing as you… You never know, having them at home for the rest of the week might seem a little easier if you’ve had this conversation.

Not trying to sway you in any particular way - this is a really tricky situation, and I hope you work out what the right outcome is for you all.

This is my feeling too.

Why is it OPs responsibility? This is one of the things that social services are there for. If the parents are incapable and the grandparents don't want to be responsible then thats what adoption exists for. I am astounded that you don't have the wit to realise this.

Where did I or anyone say indefinitely? Besides do you think long term foster care or children's home placement is cheap? I know children with learning disabilities as young as 8 on their 9th or 10th foster placement, with a failed adoption behind them to boot. Do you think that somehow that was the cheaper alternative? What do you think the ongoing cost to the public purse will be for a child in such circumstances when they become an adult or do you think once they turn 18 they will suddenly leave all their troubles behind and become a fully functioning and financially independent adult?

Good quality, early intervention is expensive but done well it can prevent long term reliance on services which are as if not more costly in the long term.

If it doesn't work for you, then say 'No'. It doesn't sound like you're really in a position to help anyway, as you have a job and if you have your DS and his LD girlfriend living with you I suspect you'll find yourself responsible for looking after their baby, as neither of them sound well-equipped to do so.

I suspect that if you say 'Yes' then support from SS will be close to zero. Don't be pressured either by what the gf's DM has said - it's up to her what she chooses to be responsible for - but how practical is it to have two adults and a baby switching houses every 3 days anyway? That sounds very difficult and unsettling for everyone. They'd be much better off in proper, supported housing.

I work in social work and I assure you that long term parenting support to parents who are otherwise unable to safely care for their children is NOT something that social services are there for.
There is adult social care which provides support to adults with social care needs but helping to parent their children doesn't fall under that remit. Children's social care provides support to disabled children in the long term but family support services are not there to support parenting in the long term. If intervention cannot address parenting deficits in a limited period (1-2 years at the most) then alternative care will be sought.

No. They need proper support. Autistic young people living between two houses at a highly stressful time is a ridiculous suggestions.

Next time they put you on the spot remember you can always need some time to say I need to consider this properly.

My assumption on this, (and I appreciate that this sounds very blunt) is that social services would deem them incapable of caring for the baby and the baby should at that point be adopted, assuming no one in the family wanted to take the care on. Is this not correct?

I wasn't suggesting the social services should be responsible for supporting 2 people who sound incapable of bringing up a baby long term. I agree that would not make any sense.

I also do not think pushing someone to care for a baby who doesn't want to is a good idea either.

Why can’t your so live at yours and his girlfriend and baby live at her family home until they can find a home for their small family that would be suitable for them?
Both families can offer support and assistance to see if they are able to parent.
Other than the above I would be outing your partner pdq - why does he have any say in how you choose to mother/grandmother your own family ?

This

Yes, that's the bottom line. PP on this thread are advising OP not to commit to supporting them on the basis that social services should be doing that. All I'm pointing out is that social services support often looks like removing children and placing for adoption in situations like this. Refusing to have the couple and baby staying with OP will not result in a lovely supported living placement to keep the family together for the rest of the child's childhood...

Why wouldn't fostering and adoption be the best solution for the baby?

Two incapable parents, one grandmother with caring responsibilities, one grandmother prepared to help only a few days a week.

This is not going to be a short term problem that will be resolved with a few nights here and there. It's going to be the whole childhood of this brand new person, years and years of responsibility. It's OK to say you don't want to take that on.

Oh gosh this is my worst nightmare (son is autistic and has an autistic girlfriend). What support you could offer? Obviously her mum has only said half of the week, but would she go for all the week if could you offer to be there for some evenings and days at the weekend.
I do wonder to what saying no will do for your relationship with him. As you have already said he doesn't listen and if he's like my son he will be very unforgiving if they lose custody of the baby due to having a very linear way of thinking.

Actually people are just trying to make sure the OP makes an informed decision based on the fact social services will be providing her no support. It's not about saying SS should do it all but in reality the set up suggested will come with ZERO help from SS.

If she goes ahead with this she needs to do so with her eyes wide open to the reality.