Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Sadly social services will dump them on you and run! Seen it, say no, ask for them to help and see what is proposed.

I think you need to be clear you can’t house mum and baby. You work and have caring responsibilities for elderly mum.
It sounds like she’d be best with her mum or in a mum and baby type set up with support.
My neighbour ended up fostering her grandson as the mum of baby couldn’t cope and her son wasn’t fit to be sole carer as he was autistic with high needs.

I can't disagree with this and I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation @TheOchreEagle

Sounds like you may need to find help elsewhere for your mother and care for your son for a while. How would you feel if the baby were adopted out and you never saw them again? Those are the stakes in this situation.

This.

If you say yes, they will never leave and you will be housing them forever.

Social Services always ask because it costs money to house adults and they prefer family to deal with it.

Just say no.

You have to consider the worse case scenario - even with a much wanted baby and parents who are fully able to meet the needs of a child, the likelihood of 2 teenagers living in a room with a baby who may have additional needs is unlikely to be smooth sailing. If you and your partner truly consider yourself able to cope with any challenges that arise then fair enough but there are times when the needs of a baby are better met through adoption. You can have no idea of the time scale that they will be with you and social services do not have an easy time finding supported living for learning disabled people as it is, never mind a learning disabled couple with children,who don’t understand the importance of contraception and planned families.

boil it down... this is your vulnerable son and his child, your grandchild that is also a vulnerable person...What are you really going to do? realistically putting a partner above all that, could you live peacefully with yourself? Why can your partner not be a nicer person!? Its not going to be forever, just give them a start.

I think as a mother we just need to... you know... get on with doing what is right. They will be older one day and will be housed but teach them as much as you can now, be a mentor to the gf and help teach about being a mother and she may well listen. If not, you can hold your hands up and say you did your absolute best.

Do it in Love. And one day the child will need a bedroom so they will be housed together as a family, surely!

This is my advice, take it how you will.

Just to reassure you i did everything I could to avoid this. Talking about not having a baby until you were ready, contraception and i was reassured that they weren’t ready and nothing like that was going on. Unfortunately i couldn’t be with them all the time. Don’t worry though i still blame myself.

I posted above, so... yes they are young but as a mother to autistic kids myself I know how they behave! And how stubborn they can be. You did nothing wrong here I guess. My advice above stands, in time, you will come to terms with it, do not turn your back on them... now or ever.

Social services will ask you to do this because you are the grandparent. Its not an unreasonable request especially as the only available housing could be a long way away from you or their other support networks

You don't need to blame yourself. At this point there is only so much you can do. Your son is an adult now (albeit with needs) and there is only so much within your control.

The alternative might be the child in care and eventually adopted. It's not unreasonable to explore if relatives will support with parenting to avoid that.

this, its a bide your time situation, they will be housed eventually. Everything is a season, this is the season you are in, about to be a grandmother and have a new baby stay only half the week. Its not full time. You will be ok.

I would absolutely, categorically, not do this. My time with babies living with me came to an end when my children grew out of babyhood.

If your son is autistic and his girlfriend has learning difficulties, it’s also very unlikely that the baby will be without its own behavioural challenges. It could turn your whole life upside down, and not in a good way. If SS are the ones requesting this, it sounds like they believe that the parents need help from you and her parents to be deemed actually fit to parent - therefore they’re not really just going to be living with you, you’ll be expected to take some kind of responsibility.

This post is exactly what I came to say (saves me lots of typing).

Just to underline:-

• SS will NOT support in a meaningful way
• do not feel guilty about refusing
• You can support them - from a distance, within your capabilities, without them living with you.

Question - why are SS asking you for only half the week? Where are they suggesting the rest of the time?

I'd be pushing for a parent and baby placement @TheOchreEagle (and I do know they're not easily come by) where they can be given support and hopefully prove themselves able in a safe environment. I suspect they will have more chance to develop the skills there than with someone onsite (you) to take over if they fall at the first hurdle

SAD... what a heart you have for people.

Bit late in the day for close monitoring if there’s a baby on the way!

Of course you can't be with them all the time, and I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation.

Even IF you were trained and experienced in handling 2 x special needs adults AND newborns, it would still be a hell of a task to take on. Newborns are no picnic for anyone, let alone in this powder keg of a situation.

And even IF they were full grown adults without any special needs who were in a long-term committed relationship, this would STILL be an incredibly difficult situation for everyone in the house.

It's not mean or unkind to say no, here. Saying yes could lead to some horrific rows between any and all of the 4 adults, which it would be better to avoid altogether imo.

Where are social services saying the girlfriend and baby going to live for the other half of the week?
They need to be settled somewhere. Living between two different places isn't in their best interests.
Social Services will promise but not deliver.

Sounds like whatever you do here will not be the ideal solution. Where do they both live now? Do you get on with the girlfriend? What do they want? What are the alternative options? This is not your fault OP, life is just shit sometimes.

It would be hard but I couldn’t see my grandchild suffer so I would have to do everything I could.

Which is true in principle.

But the OP who knows them both says they need ‘close monitoring’

I would absolutely say no. If you have them SS will dump and run and you will be responsible for them for ever. At the moment they have to find a solution. In their minds, you're it.