Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

That's a very ableist point of view and I sincerely hope you educate yourself on how hurtful that can be to people with disabilities.

I don't think we should be blaming them for that, I would say that's more of a societal problem. The state should be providing these people with accommodation so they can raise their baby in peace.

No I wouldn’t do it .

It’s reality 🤷‍♀️ Hardly ableist.

Should they really??

I think I would ask more questions around timeline. How long can it last for? What is the long term plan for childcare and the young couple? Will they be deemed competent to parent the child in a year time/ 2 years/5 years?

This is a bonkers solution. Hard enough to be a new parent without having to move homes twice a week.

So does your son live with you and his girlfriend with her mum?

Are the couple thinking housing will accommodate them once the baby comes?

Under what remit are social services involved - is there a worker allocated to the unborn and is it under child in need/ child protection? Or just early stage assessment so far? I think you should ask what will happen if you say no - eg. family assessment unit or mother and baby placement or is there a risk of removal?

Absolutely 100%
But not if there is a belief that social services will step in and do the job because that's not realistic. Grandparents are not obliged to take on care of their grandchildren but they should be aware that that might result in grandchildren going into care and being adopted.

Agreed. I’ve had to support adults with learning disabilities visiting their children a few times and it’s always heartbreaking that with correct support they could have remained a family. Unfortunately the support costs are more than foster care costs so it’s not a viable solution. Lots of the families would have needed outside assistance for maintaining their living conditions, feeding their children appropriately and providing them with the basics. It’s really sad because you can see these people love their children so much, we just can’t give them the resources they need to keep their kids safe. People froth at the mouth over DLA or PIP etc enough without the idea of families being given in house support. It’ll just never happen.

You have a job (which you do from home) and caring responsibilities already - plus it's not just your house, but your partner's as well. You are now being asked to be responsible 1/2 the week for 2 additional adults with additional needs, and a baby (to the extent that the parents aren't able to look after their child independently). That is a huge undertaking. Unless you are prepared to sacrifice your job/career and relationship, and can afford the additional costs I don't see how you are in a position to help to the extent they are asking.

Residential care for a child can cost £10k per week. That's the ballpark of what it would cost to provide full time residential care support to some parents with LDs to keep their children with them. What kind of society can actually afford that?

If SS have asked you to foster them they should be prepared to propose a financial and care package. Just tell them that unless the support, both practical and financial, is in place it won't work for you.

They aren't asking her to foster her own son or the girlfriend, nor the grandchild.

Are they asking his father?

And yes, it's indeed a bonkers solution for the couple and child as well.

What is the impact on your son and your grandchild if you say no?

It's a big ask, but this is your child (and it sounds like he is quite vulnerable?). Any decision I made would be based on what support I could feasibly provide, and what's best for him and the baby. Are social services confident that they parent the child appropriately with parental support?

Is your partner his dad? I don't think I would prioritise a romantic partner over my children, regardless of their age and especially if they had learning disabilities.

Why do you think it’s the responsibility of relatives? It isn’t.

The primary concern has to be the welfare of the child. I am quite happy for my taxes to be spent providing a supportive living environment for OPs DS, his DP and their child.

What is the plan for the other part of the week? Where do they currently live and are they independent financially or practically ? If you and your p work you will not be able to wfh with newborn or offer supervision of their care. SS will not live up to their promises of support. Sadly you need to say no.

It isn’t at all abelist, it’s the reality of life. Quite apart from their limitations inherent with their learning disabilities (which social services have noted are an issue) the societal issues they will face makes it particularly difficult. Young parents are dismissed by healthcare and education professionals, and this is also a real problem for anyone with a learning disability. Can you imagine them trying to advocate for their child when they know there is an issue? How serious ly will they be taken?

I’m supporting a grandmother who is a kinship carer, she is autistic, her daughter has learning disabilities and her granddaughter has autism and adhd. Gran tries really hard to get the help and support her granddaughter needs but nobody takes either of them seriously. There is absolutely no support from social services, the school keep claiming they are doing everything right, but the chances of a decent future for the granddaughter are slipping away. I’m doing what I can to support them but I keep being told by the school I need to “stay in my lane”. I have a disabled daughter and have advocated for her and she’s had everything she needs. This is undoubtedly because I am a middle class, educated woman who knows what to ask for and how to ask for it.

The reason they will struggle is because of a societal, institutional abelism.

I would consider taking them full time only. Moving back and forth is not the kind of stability that will help a young family launch.

The key though is are they going to be able to transition to independence? If this is a temporary measure because they need support initially due to age and finances, I would consider taking on the responsibility. If they are going to need indefinite support, then they have no business being parents. I would not be facilitating options that avoid hard choices like abortion or adoption.

It's OK to say no. I don't think it's healthy for the teenage mother and her baby to be moving every 3 or 4 days, it's just chaos.

Working full time, being a carer to your own mum and housing your autistic son is enough.

What kind of society refuses to provide that?

How is a young family relocating twice a week in the interests of any small child?

As pp say - SS will do anything to coerce families into being unpaid housing/carers for the old, the young and the otherwise in need of some care. You can kiss goodbye to any future help or support once you have taken on the housing and care of the young family.

Just say "no" and keep pushing back, if only to retain the future support. The fact they are trying to force such an unsuitable arrangement for the child makes it clear what the agenda really is.

The best chance you have of getting them any support either now, or later down the line, is by refusing to do this. They cannot go between two houses forever and if SS deem them as suitable parents they should be putting things in place for them now, such as housing, benefits, physical support etc.

If you take them in, SS will wash their hands of them.

For those saying SS shouldn't be responsible, why? Let them do some good and set these vulnerable parents and child up so they have a chance of thriving. It can work, but not when they are left with parents/grandparents who end up on their knees as they don't have the same tools to support as SS do.

Do not agree to this @TheOchreEagle .