Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

If social services are saying they gonna be involved why cant they get them there own place. Sounds like they trying to find a solution where they will have minimum involvement

No, I think the point here is that if they are never going to be able to parent without needing the equivalent of full time support (as OP is being asked to give) then the situation has to be reviewed because adoption would be the obvious alternative. People seem to think that social services have an obligation to provide indefinite support in these situations and this just isn’t the case. Sometimes the best solution all round isn’t necessarily the one the parents would choose for themselves.

Social services have no input into housing. They can make recommendations to the local housing authority but they have no authority other than that and it’s down to availability, suitability and cost. Child services will have input into the safeguarding of the baby and adult social care will possibly provide a package of care and support, but it’s neither practical nor reasonable to expect this to be in place indefinitely if there is no prospect of these two people being able to parent without significant support. Adoption would be the better option.

Social services don't get people their own places.

Yes exactly
I would never say anyone should be raising a relative's child to prevent them from going into care - many people choose to but it must be a free choice. However it needs to be explored before the draconian step of removal is contemplated. That is the law, not 'social services wanting to do the least'

This definitely.
Once the little family are with OP, that is were they will stay!

Say no. The repercussions later on would be devastating.

This 100%.

Very tricky. I assume they've asked the girls mother and she has said no, as that'd be the first port of call. Try to find out their intentions as all ss are out to do it take kids away. I know ud want to avoid this so while u can say no, do engage with them to find a better solution for all of them

I would say no. You don't even have to take calls from them, IMO.
Can SS not help Son and gf find housing and services that are available to them like they would if you were not here?
So I'd tell them it's not possible.
I would think Son can live with you, where he lives now, I am assuming and the gf and baby can live with her mom....where she currently lives. If her mom wants her out then SS will have to try and help her with housing I guess.....

You aren't being realistic as to how hard this would be for the OP!

Social services want you to do it as it makes it easy for them but what you should do should be in everyone's best interests

Social services have a legal obligation to approach the families to see what support they may be able to offer before they move to the next stage. If the family refuse to support then adult social care will look at their options and if it’s clear that these two adults are never going to be capable of parenting without substantial and long term support then adoption will be one of the alternatives. Social services have absolutely no obligation to provide expensive and long term support if the situation has no hope of improving.

That's a hell of an over reaction! Nobody told you they were better than you because you have autism so let's not make things up eh! You claiming your whole family has it suggests to me you are all mildly trying to fit in that label. There's varying severity of autism! It's not for you to make anyone feel like shit for thinking it's too big a thing to take on two learning disabled teenagers and a baby that may well have a higher of chance of disabilities that could be far more severe than you and your family!

People aren't robots! What if the girlfriends mother doesn't cope with her half of the week either! This could go very wrong! The jobs market is pretty bad right now so there is no knowing if or when that couple may work and have finances! So you just expect the OP to have spare cash to cover everything!

It is the standard alternative solution if OP refuses to support these two people and their baby, which she is perfectly entitled to do - it’s a massive ask. Social care is not there to provide unlimited support for two people who will likely never be able to parent without substantial support. Once that becomes clear, adoption becomes an option. The solution isn’t always one that suits the parents, but is the practical thing to do for the benefit of all concerned.

all ss are out to do it take kids away

Wrong and extremely offensive

IMO experience taking children into care is the absolute last resort as far as child services are concerned. I’ve worked with social workers who have gone above and beyond, as well as thinking outside the box to provide solutions that don’t involve removing a child.

How are you today OP? Sending support because it sounds like a really tricky place to be and I feel for you

The thing is it depends doesn't it? There have been rare but harrowing cases of babies being removed or threatened to be removed at birth for tenuous reasons (and parents escaping abroad and being totally fine, proving ss wrong) and hopefully a majority of cases like you describe, when removing is the last resort.

I would definitely like many have said challenge SS.

Make them aware that you cannot be the "carer " to two adult with support needs and a baby, you work and have an elderly parent. You would be pushed to burn out. The "support" they say will be there will not materialise.

I think mak8ngvthem aware this is not suitable and push back. They need to come up with a different more suitable plan. It wouldn't be logistically viable for the poor baby with no settled pattern of where they live.

Thank you for your comment, it's appreciated

Yes, and you’ll likely be a much better grandma if they are not crammed into a tiny room next to yours, depleting your resources and sleep. I know resources are tight, but this does t sound like a sustainable suggestion from social services. What happens when baby gets older? Absolutely say no. You really need your space - you’ve got a lot of stress.

Sorry, do you have personal experience of dealing wirh these cases?

23 years of social work. You?