Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Her mother agreed to her staying at her house half the week and i turned up at a meeting and was told this and asked to take them the rest of the week.

Absolutely no fucking way. And social services will wash their hands of you as soon as they have palmed the issue off onto you. Good luck with whatever you decide though!

Won't moving every week be more disruptive? I wouldn't want to be moving between homes with a newborn at any age, nevermind as a teen mum with addtional needs.
Push for a mother and baby unit if you can. I agree you'll get no support unless you keep saying no, once baby arrives SS will find something. But don't expect any action before then.

Have they given you any information on why they want you to take them in?

Id be wanting to know the SS involvement before I made a full decision. Has your son or girlfriend has SS involvement before and have they done an assessment on the girlfriend in particular? Are they looking to assess her when the baby arrives? If you say no, what are the implications? Will they be offered a parent and baby unit, told to crack on or go into foster care (either the baby or the baby and mum/ dad).

If its just a case of they have no where to go and want to be a family, thats 1 decision but it will be completely different if theres going to be assessments ongoing and SS involvement.

What an utterly ignorant and ablest comment.

Nearly my whole family is autistic, we all do fine. There is zero 'increase' in autism generation on generation (even though we mostly tend to attract autistic partners too) and my mother who was autistic raised me alone and I had a wonderful childhood, better than most I would argue.

My best friends mother had severe learning disabilities and lived her whole life in assisted living with care, while there where social services involved in her growing up she has a wonderfully close relationship with her mam. She did not inherit any of her parents disabilities by the way.

Disabled people aren't bad parents, disabilities aren't always passed on and even if they are the key point is theres nothing wrong with being disabled. We are allowed to have the joy of having families just like you are, you are not 'better than' us just for not having disabilities.

It’s ok to say no OP.

That set up is not in anyone's best interests. The girlfriend and baby need a settled home not being moved about like parcels.

Ah man it's not going to work like that OP . Don't believe a word SS says. They are trying to offload.

The plan is the same as it's always been. Your son stays at home and his girlfriend stays at her own home. They don't need to live together yet and tills be too disruptive to any baby, babies don't stay babies long. Don't take responsibility for them.

My wider concern would also be what happens if the girls mother decides she won't have them half the week? The expectation will be they stay with you full time.

I'm not sure on what planet a social worker thinks two people with learning disabilities and a baby are going to thrive and get their shit together by moving between two houses every few days and camping out in their childhood bedrooms.

The best outcome for them relies on an opportunity for a high level of structure, consistency, routine and professional support.

Say "that's not going to be possible" rinse and repeat.

what do you think the right outcome should be? Even if they were to be given accommodation they are going to struggle without practical support.

should the girls mother help them 7 days a week? Should the baby be taken into care? What do you think the outcome should be?

You say to have them "half the week; where will mother and baby be for the other half? Is the plan for your son to be with them?

Bit even if social.services arrange support for them, I suspect that the house will suddenly no longer be "your own" as far as social services are cocerned

I second that, as much as SS don’t mind putting their noses in go things, they are often quite happy passing all responsibility back to the other person.

Two learning disabled parents will give any child of theirs very little advantage.

Parent and child placements are for assessment and should be time limited to 12-16 weeks. Two parents with SEN would quite likely fail such an assessment. Unless there is an exit plan for them to safely care for the child with minimal support a parent and baby placement is pointless.

Say no. Social services will take the easiest option first and may bring pressure to bear for you to provide this help. It’s unworkable and you need to stick to your guns. If you agree to this support will be minimal if not zero and it will likely be the end of your relationship.

And the solution may be foster care and adoption. Why shouldn't the grandparents step in to prevent this? Why should it be the state who is expected to safeguard and shore up parenting for a child's entire childhood?

The attitude on this thread is astounding. Who's issue is it that two disabled teenagers have decided to have a baby they can't raise without support? Why should it be the responsibility of the state to keep this baby with its parents rather than the responsibility of the nearest relatives?

Where are they going for the other 3/4 days of the week? & why can’t they stay there full time?

You should say no. This will not be any good for your mental health, you will be supporting 2 special needs adults & a tot. Plus you said something about a parent.

Don’t feel bad/guilty about saying No.

I have had dealings with S.S they aren’t much help once you agree that you will help.

Nope. Terrible idea. It won’t be for ‘a while’. It will be for the forseeable future and there will be no support from social services once OP agrees - they will 100% expect her to set herself on fire to keep her son and his girlfriend warm.

Dear god, that is never going to work, and would do more harm than good. How unsettling and disruptive for everyone. As is said here from time to time, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and I think that’s especially true here. The proposal has disaster written all over it, and I just don’t see how it could benefit anyone except SS.

To echo what others have said, you’ve got to state your position clearly and unambiguously. You cannot help with accommodation at all. SS exists for situations such as this, and it strikes me the only way to get them to deal with this one is to refuse the request.

If you and the girl friend's mother both refuse to agree could you press for a place in a supported living situation for them both?
I've no idea if this is possible but I imagine that if you and the girl's mother agree to a situation which seems unliveable long term, you and she will be left to pick up the pieces. I'm afraid that with resources very limited, whether it's the elderly, children and care support or situations like those, social services seem to always push first for families to take the strain whether the living conditions are viable or not.
I think I would be refusing, trying to get the other mother on side with you and trying for some other supported living/semi independent solution for them
That way you can give whatever support you feel able to without them living in your house.

Was social services involved with you pre-birth and when you were a baby? Did your mother live with her mother when you were a baby?

What a strange attitude. They will expect her to support them to parent her grandchild. And why not? Who else should be doing that? The state, for the next 18 years!?

Social services do not exist to prop up inadequate parenting for the long term. If these two teenagers can't safely care for this baby then social services will intervene and likely take them into care