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Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

424 replies

TheOchreEagle · Yesterday 12:45

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

OP posts:
SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:53

cartagenagina · Yesterday 14:47

Why do you think it’s the responsibility of relatives? It isn’t.

The primary concern has to be the welfare of the child. I am quite happy for my taxes to be spent providing a supportive living environment for OPs DS, his DP and their child.

That's nice but the costs are completely prohibitive. No local authority could ever spend what would be needed to provide this.

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · Yesterday 14:53

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:44

Residential care for a child can cost £10k per week. That's the ballpark of what it would cost to provide full time residential care support to some parents with LDs to keep their children with them. What kind of society can actually afford that?

One that pays a lot more tax than we do

I don't object to that sort of support being provided if there's a reasonable chance of people developing parenting skills good enough to cope.

It can't be forever so the difficulty I guess comes with being able to assess within a reasonably short time frame whether they are able to learn how to look after a child. Do you put the support in place with the possibility it may go wrong and the child is traumatised or injured?

What's best for the baby is really hard to determine.

Vse500 · Yesterday 14:53

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:02

The attitude on this thread is astounding. Who's issue is it that two disabled teenagers have decided to have a baby they can't raise without support? Why should it be the responsibility of the state to keep this baby with its parents rather than the responsibility of the nearest relatives?

100% Though many complaining SS will wash their hands of them, but clearly OK for nearest relatives to

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:54

BoredZelda · Yesterday 14:50

What kind of society refuses to provide that?

Literally the one we live in now. That kind of budget for care does not exist. It's not available. Cannot be done.

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:54

C8H10N4O2 · Yesterday 14:51

How is a young family relocating twice a week in the interests of any small child?

As pp say - SS will do anything to coerce families into being unpaid housing/carers for the old, the young and the otherwise in need of some care. You can kiss goodbye to any future help or support once you have taken on the housing and care of the young family.

Just say "no" and keep pushing back, if only to retain the future support. The fact they are trying to force such an unsuitable arrangement for the child makes it clear what the agenda really is.

Edited

The agenda is probably keeping this baby within its family. Evil, right??

JenniferBooth · Yesterday 14:55

Teainapinkcup · Yesterday 13:29

boil it down... this is your vulnerable son and his child, your grandchild that is also a vulnerable person...What are you really going to do? realistically putting a partner above all that, could you live peacefully with yourself? Why can your partner not be a nicer person!? Its not going to be forever, just give them a start.

I think as a mother we just need to... you know... get on with doing what is right. They will be older one day and will be housed but teach them as much as you can now, be a mentor to the gf and help teach about being a mother and she may well listen. If not, you can hold your hands up and say you did your absolute best.

Do it in Love. And one day the child will need a bedroom so they will be housed together as a family, surely!

This is my advice, take it how you will.

And what happens if he keeps getting his girlfriend pregnant again and again. Does @TheOchreEagle just keep doing it ad infinitum. Women never seem to get a break particularly older women. Just expected to work themselves into a hospital bed or worse,

FoldItIn · Yesterday 14:56

Some ignorant posts on this thread about costs. If that is even the case then perhaps we should start figuring out why support packages cost so much?
If I had my time again and had zero morals I would aquire myself a few residential units. Quite the money maker.

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:56

FoldItIn · Yesterday 14:51

The best chance you have of getting them any support either now, or later down the line, is by refusing to do this. They cannot go between two houses forever and if SS deem them as suitable parents they should be putting things in place for them now, such as housing, benefits, physical support etc.

If you take them in, SS will wash their hands of them.

For those saying SS shouldn't be responsible, why? Let them do some good and set these vulnerable parents and child up so they have a chance of thriving. It can work, but not when they are left with parents/grandparents who end up on their knees as they don't have the same tools to support as SS do.

Do not agree to this @TheOchreEagle .

Edited

Social services don't have 'tools to support'. I don't know what society you're living in but it's not the reality of children's social care in 2026. Social services aren't responsible for housing young parents by the way and there is no long term supported housing they could get. Just doesn't exist.

PrettyPickle · Yesterday 14:56

@TheOchreEagle This is a really difficult one. Mentally I would be running a mile, emotionally I would worry about how the young couple would cope.

And I think there are two issues here, The welfare of the baby and whether the grandparents' home should become the primary support arrangement. It seems to me you are NOT saying "I don't care about my son or grandchild" but you are saying you work from home, already have the care of your son and mother, plus work fulltime and have a partner, a partner who is very resistant to the idea. Your son appears resistant to guidance and both young parents have learning disabilities. Social services have a poor track record of providing timely support.
Taking them in could damage your relationship, not just with your partner and son but also affect your livelihood. Those are very legitimate concerns.

Where I'd differ slightly is on the "they got pregnant intentionally". Even if the pregnancy was planned, autism and learning disabilities can affect judgement, understanding of consequences, executive functioning and parenting capacity. That doesn't automatically mean they can't be parents, but it may explain why social services are involved and why support is being discussed.

What jumps out at me is that social services are not asking you to babysit occasionally. They are effectively asking you to become part of a supported-living arrangement for an indefinite period (possibly life). That's a huge commitment. Once a baby arrives, "half the week" can very easily become more, especially if the young couple struggle. I'd also be cautious about relying on: promises of future support from social services, verbal assurances that the arrangement is temporary, assumptions that the girlfriend's family will continue providing half the support. People often agree to things under pressure and then find themselves unable to step back later. And that person maybe you.

From the baby's perspective, there's also an argument that a stable, planned arrangement is better than being shuttled between households if everyone is already predicting conflict and stress.

OP, don't agree out of guilt, before you make any decisions, ask social services for a written support plan, ask what happens if you say no and ask what accommodation and parenting support are available independently of your home. Give allows you to protect your relationship and employment as well as considering the needs of the young couple.

My Aunt used to be a foster parent and at one point she had vulnerable adults and their newborn babies in her home to guide them and then offer support when they got their own place in the longrun. SS were assessing if they were capable on their own to be parents and they were deciding if they could do it. And this is the thing, if the parents realise its too much and they get overwhelmed as autistic people often do, who will step in? In what they propose I think it will be the grandparents. You know what your son is like, how difficult will it be with a baby for him to care for?

I have an Autistic brother and he does not fair well around kids let alone babies and he is a professional. But I also have an autistic cousin and she has three kids and is a great mum - the devil is in the detail I am afraid.

In truth, reading that post, my instinct is that you've already decided it won't work and are looking for permission to say no. And sometimes "I love you, but I cannot have you all living here" is a perfectly reasonable boundary, but its easier said than done.

The part that worries me most is actually the partner. If he's already "not at all happy" before they move in, bringing two vulnerable young adults and a newborn into the house sounds like a recipe for resentment, rows and stress for everyone involved. Saying yes to avoid feeling guilty could end up making the situation worse rather than better.

LittleSoo · Yesterday 14:58

Is she too far along for an abortion? It's insane that their decision to have unprotected sex, will disrupt so many other lives and put the burden onto others as they will need more support than the usual young couple having a baby. Her parents should have got her the implant to prevent this until they were both ready and able to manage this.

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:58

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · Yesterday 14:53

One that pays a lot more tax than we do

I don't object to that sort of support being provided if there's a reasonable chance of people developing parenting skills good enough to cope.

It can't be forever so the difficulty I guess comes with being able to assess within a reasonably short time frame whether they are able to learn how to look after a child. Do you put the support in place with the possibility it may go wrong and the child is traumatised or injured?

What's best for the baby is really hard to determine.

Short term residential assessments are very useful and often used but they are only a tool to assess whether a parent can do it in the community with minimal support. The cost of those placements is high but as it's time limited it's considered good value for money. Any assessments need to be completed within the PLO timeframe which is a goal of 26 weeks (though can be longer)

ThreadGuardDog · Yesterday 14:58

DebbieSavage · Yesterday 14:33

That's a very ableist point of view and I sincerely hope you educate yourself on how hurtful that can be to people with disabilities.

I’m a disabled person and was also a disability outreach worker and l don’t think this is ableist in the least. If two people with learning disabilities require 24/7 support to be able to cope with a baby then there are inevitably going to be ongoing issues with their limitations, which will impact their child. It’s not a matter of being hurtful - no-one would be intentionally that, l would hope, but it is a matter of practicality. And reality.

cartagenagina · Yesterday 14:59

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:53

That's nice but the costs are completely prohibitive. No local authority could ever spend what would be needed to provide this.

Eh? They do. Certainly in my LA they do.

C8H10N4O2 · Yesterday 14:59

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:54

The agenda is probably keeping this baby within its family. Evil, right??

Its in no child's interest to grow up in a family which has to pack up and move every three days. The only agenda pushing that as a solution is based on cost cutting, not the interests of the child.

Have you not read the threads where hospitals and SS dump elderly relatives on doorsteps without warning to pressure family into taking on a level of care they are neither equipped for or financially able to manage?

In an ideal world we would be able to provide support to families caring for those (of all ages) who need it. In reality the moment a family hint at support, any form of expert or structured help disappears.

ThreadGuardDog · Yesterday 15:01

LittleSoo · Yesterday 14:58

Is she too far along for an abortion? It's insane that their decision to have unprotected sex, will disrupt so many other lives and put the burden onto others as they will need more support than the usual young couple having a baby. Her parents should have got her the implant to prevent this until they were both ready and able to manage this.

As much as l agree that the situation isn’t great, you can’t force contraception or abortion on someone with capacity. Learning disability doesn’t mean they lack the capacity to make their own decisions.

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 15:01

cartagenagina · Yesterday 14:59

Eh? They do. Certainly in my LA they do.

Long term supported residential care for parents with learning disabilities so they can keep their children in their care? Really??
Are you sure it's not supported accommodation for the adults to meet the adults' needs? Because I have never ever come across any local authority providing this kind of service from a children's social work services perspective.

watchingthishtread · Yesterday 15:02

Her own mother is kicking her out for half of the week. That is a very odd arrangement. Is she suggesting that she will house your son for half the week too?

Bwitched1 · Yesterday 15:03

TheOchreEagle · Yesterday 12:45

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

I would ask social services about a mother and baby unit. If you agree to half the week where is the other half to be spent? If that breaks down would you be expected to accommodate the full week? Mother and baby units are a good tool in cases like this. Dont be bullied into something not workable

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 15:03

C8H10N4O2 · Yesterday 14:59

Its in no child's interest to grow up in a family which has to pack up and move every three days. The only agenda pushing that as a solution is based on cost cutting, not the interests of the child.

Have you not read the threads where hospitals and SS dump elderly relatives on doorsteps without warning to pressure family into taking on a level of care they are neither equipped for or financially able to manage?

In an ideal world we would be able to provide support to families caring for those (of all ages) who need it. In reality the moment a family hint at support, any form of expert or structured help disappears.

It's far far far better for a child to grow up within their family of origin even over two households than for a child to be removed and adopted or placed in long term foster care. Children cope with dual households every day!

FoldItIn · Yesterday 15:03

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 14:56

Social services don't have 'tools to support'. I don't know what society you're living in but it's not the reality of children's social care in 2026. Social services aren't responsible for housing young parents by the way and there is no long term supported housing they could get. Just doesn't exist.

Social Services are absolutely responsible for housing two young adults with Learning disabilities, who are parents. Who SS themselves have deemed suitable to care for that child. Where on earth do you live?

BudgetBuster · Yesterday 15:03

TheOchreEagle · Yesterday 13:43

Her mother agreed to her staying at her house half the week and i turned up at a meeting and was told this and asked to take them the rest of the week.

But does she live with her mother already? If so, is her mother then essentially saying that she is kicking her daughter out half the week?

Are social services involved because your son and his girlfriend won't actually be able to fully care for this baby without supervision & help? If so, it's a much bigger undertaking than just living in the house... its basically being another parent for half the week. O wouldn't be up for it if I were in your position.

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 15:03

Bwitched1 · Yesterday 15:03

I would ask social services about a mother and baby unit. If you agree to half the week where is the other half to be spent? If that breaks down would you be expected to accommodate the full week? Mother and baby units are a good tool in cases like this. Dont be bullied into something not workable

They are a short term assessment tool only. What's the exit plan?

C8H10N4O2 · Yesterday 15:04

FoldItIn · Yesterday 14:56

Some ignorant posts on this thread about costs. If that is even the case then perhaps we should start figuring out why support packages cost so much?
If I had my time again and had zero morals I would aquire myself a few residential units. Quite the money maker.

Yes, a sizeable chunk of the welfare bill lines the pockets of such people (and the hedge funds involved) - providing "supported" living with no support, children's homes which are nothing of the sort and poor quality elder care.

That is without even considering the straight fraud in such establishments.

There is plenty of room for getting better value for taxes in that space.

FoldItIn · Yesterday 15:04

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · Yesterday 15:01

Long term supported residential care for parents with learning disabilities so they can keep their children in their care? Really??
Are you sure it's not supported accommodation for the adults to meet the adults' needs? Because I have never ever come across any local authority providing this kind of service from a children's social work services perspective.

Why do you think they need full time residential care??

aCatCalledFawkes · Yesterday 15:05

LittleSoo · Yesterday 14:58

Is she too far along for an abortion? It's insane that their decision to have unprotected sex, will disrupt so many other lives and put the burden onto others as they will need more support than the usual young couple having a baby. Her parents should have got her the implant to prevent this until they were both ready and able to manage this.

You can't make anyone have an implant or an abortion even if they have learning disabilities. My ND child makes bad decision after bad decision, it's incredibly challenging to live with.