Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

[TheOchreEagle]

My son is 19 autistic and still at college and lives at home, he has got his girlfriend pregnant it seems intentionally. Social services have asked us to house them half the week in his bedroom. My partner is not at all happy with the idea. I think it could potentially destroy our relationship.

I feel so torn I don’t believe it will work his bedroom is right next to ours and we would hear every noise. He is very resistant to being told anything and i don’t think his girlfriend would be very receptive to any advice.

They both have learning disabilities so would need close monitoring which would be difficult. I work at home as well as being a carer for my mother who although currently in a care home still makes demands on my time.

Social services have said there would be support but as it has taken 3 months to hear anything i find that doubtful.

I do want to help but living with us is just too much. Anyone had any experience of this or can offer any advice.

Yet probably more capable and stable than the two who’ve caused this mess in the first place.

This is a social family issue. Of course the first option should be family especially the potential grandparents. I think most people would try to make this work since it is their family and potential grand child. The have a much better chance of success at parenting with experienced loving relatives around to demonstrate responsible choice. I think if you can find it in your heart to welcome them into your home it could end up being joyful (at times) for all of you but also there will be multiple people there to support them.. This is proper family life lived just as it should be with multiple generations supporting those that need it. Good luck with your decision.

Other than sterilising people or eugenics, what exactly are you proposing ?

THIS baby is already conceived.

People don’t keep having unwanted babies as you put it - teenage pregnancy rates are at an all time low in human history and we are actually facing economically terminal population decline.

Yet the idea of supporting a young family with additional needs so it doesn’t all fall on the grandmothers (always women, of course) is stil considered grotesque

Your comment, if I may say, is absolutely everything that’s created the mess we’re in. Not based in fact, cruel in tone, lacking in pragmatism.

You are being manipulated here. If the girlfriend'd mother is genuinely willing to house all 3 of them with all the baby paraphinalia etc doesn't mean you have a legal obligation to do the same.

Half and half accommodation won't work as a long term solution. It won't realistically be having them live in one room as they will naturally spill out all over your house. It could be very chaotic with them not having stable accommodation . How will they learn to manage and bring up the child independently if they are still in childhood bedrooms?

Just tell social services that you've discussed it with your partner and that suggestion won't work for you. They can then discuss whether her mother can accommodate them permanently , or whether they need to find a small flat and for social services to help them work out how that can be done via benefits funding. Social services are stretched in terms of resources but they do have statutory duty here to protect vulnerable adults and the new baby from harm or neglect, and getting proper housing arrangements confirmed is part of that .

Separately you do need to consider what other help you might provide as a new grandparent such as babysitting or help with buying stuff but only commit to what you can realistically manage.

While many disabled persons do make good parents, there is no information here to suggest that these two will make the best of parents given the particular circumstances and social services involvement.

What makes you think they will be able to cope and be the best of parents?

I agree with this. Time and time again I’m reading if here that adults, SEN or not, are getting themselves into situations and older women and the taxpayer are expected to pick up the pieces. I wouldn’t support this - when will they ever stand on own two feet?

I could maybe imagine doing this as a stop gap until a suitable long term option became available. I don't see any exit for you and this will lead to providing long term care for two disabled adults and a likely disabled child while you aren't getting any younger. It's too much to ask.

My dad, myself, my children are all on the spectrum along with most of my siblings, their children and my in laws.
It's not ableist. I am being realistic. She did not say they disabled, she said they were LEARNING disabled AND autistic.
So actually will most likely struggle a lot with a baby and to parent. What if the OP does this and it's twins, or they choose to have many children?

Can she afford to support 3 people forever alone if her partner leaves?

All round a crappy situation but I still think she should say no.

And yes, autism has a massive genetic factor so chances are very high that this child will be on the spectrum too. And IQ is also genetic so the baby is not going to have a good chance of being NT.

Do their job for them?? You actually believe that long term, intensive support for two parents with LDs to safely parent their children is the job of children's social work services? I genuinely am baffled by what some people think the state is supposed to be doing. That is absolutely not their role. They are there to intervene in people's lives where there is a crisis, ideally put in place support so that the parents can safely care without social work involved and then close a case. They are not like adult social care where there is a legal duty to provide lifelong services to parents with LDs.
If the parents can't be supported enough to care for their children without state intervention long term then they won't be caring for their children long term. That's the role of the state. Not propping up inadequate parenting for decades!

I don't think adoption is even a thought in this case. Despite the fact there's a reasonable number of posters so far that seem to think it's the standard alternative solution. A child going being foster doesn't happen as swiftly as a lot of posters seems to think either.

There usually a lot of neglect, and sadly even abuse, that occurs before a social worker can do any intervention. It's certianly not, especially with the first child, a case of "oh the grandparents can't house/take on the responsibility, so off the newborn goes into care".

It's a terrible and upsetting situation for the OP. She is unable to manage it logistically due to her circumstances, her emotions about this being her grandchild can't change that fact.

They will be placed in a mother and baby unit and assessed as to whether they can actually parent this baby without any additional support. If they cannot then the baby will be placed with a relative or adopted. At that point you could put yourself forward to raise your grandchild or the girls mother could . This would be better than raising all three of them and destroying your lives and this would potentially be a better outcome for the child which will, almost certainly have additional needs too. I think this is the choice I would make, to be honest as you will be raising that baby anyway but with two hostile adults with additional needs in your house in the fist scenario.

Hi all,
We are just flagging that we have moved this thread now at the OP's request, to a more specialist board that is frequented by parents of children with special needs. The support has been characteristically great, no doubt, but this is a very intense situation for anyone to cope with so as the thread continues in its new home if we could keep the focus very much on supporting this mother that would be sincerely appreciated.

Sorry but social services are not directly or solely responsible for providing housing for young adults with learning disabilities who are parents. The statutory responsibility is with the local housing authority.

Children’s services become involved to safeguard the child and in situations where a child is at risk of homelessness or separation from the parents, they can sometimes fund emergency accommodation, but this is a temporary safety net, not a long-term housing obligation. Adult social care will assess for and where possible arrange any necessary support packages for safe and independent living. They can also provide independent living skills training, but they have no obligation to provide or fund housing.

LA provision differs from area to area and in our region there is an integrated system of adult learning disability teams, children's services, and housing departments working together, but as with everything, budget constraints apply and if the parents require substantial and long term help in order to be able to parent, then adoption would be considered.

Agree. It would have been my first thought tbh.

Half a week here/there is not going to work full time so either you will end up taking full responsibility, her mum will or social services will have to.

If you do feel able to do this, I would assume it will become full time and you won't get any outside support.

I think a lot of people posting on this thread have direct experience of adult social care which is colouring their responses and also creating a misunderstanding about the legal duty of children's social work family help. There seems to be an idea that lifelong support is legally required under the children act which unless the child is disabled themselves (which still doesn't create any kind of legal duty to house and support their parents) is not the case. Posters are fixated on social services 'palming off' responsibility to the grandparents where there is simply no such legal duty in existence.

Yes the only legal responsibility is to the baby yet to be born. And that responsibility does not have to mean supporting the parents.

For some reason my reply to someone else, who asked if they had considered abortion was deleted, one of them was anyway

So just to say again, I would definitely have asked if abortion was a possiblity.

Agree.

The OP @TheOchreEaglehas not returned to the post to confirm what level of support her son and his girlfriend need or currently have so it’s very difficult to offer advice as the spectrum of possible scenarios here is huge.

You expect her to send herself.to an early grave doing it forever?

@Iris2020 most people become either carers or cared for in later life. Happens to nearly everyone

Doesn’t alter the fact that she would be caring for two significantly disabled adults and a child. And with no end date. It would also cost her her relationship. I think that’s a huge ask.

Most people don't have to cope with caring for two disabled adults plus a child. It's really too much.

My caring responsibilities started when was 36, I think, and continued until I was about 61. I've never been in the OP's position, but at one point was working full-time and caring for three adults, though there was no hands on care at the very beginning - by that time, I was a bit older and looking after only two.

I suspect that the OP is older than I was. it's highly unlikely that she'll outlive her DS, the GF and the baby. The short-term 'solution' of splitting the new family between the OP and the GF's mother is simply not going to work.

I would have thought that any assessment of the support needed for them to live independently would have looked at not only the cost of housing and any support package, but also for how long that support would have to be in place. If there is no prospect of them being able to parent without permanent and substantial support then adoption would be the alternative. It sounds harsh but the reality is that there simply isn’t the funding available to support this kind of situation indefinitely.