To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

I understand.

Of course you have feelings. It does feel sometimes as a mum of a kid with SN that you're expected to bury them.

My autistic (with severe learning difficulties) son sometimes stresses me to the point of having to duck out the room to hyperventilate.

I'm jealous of parents with NT kids younger than him who can trust their kids in their garden for five minutes by themselves and have relaxed childproofing rather than tightened it, while I feel in a constant state of hypervigilance.

Yes the stopping of meds quickly has more than likely had an effect, but frankly I think you've just got to the end of your line OP. And that's absolutely fine and a normal response to the relentlessness of parenting a ND child. Jesus, EVERY parent gets to the end of their line and acts or thinks in less than perfect ways. Everyone does.

I teach in a SEN school and I have nothing but complete admiration for the parents of the children in my class. I have 11 boys, all with complex and profound learning difficulties. But there are 4 adults in the room to deal with the stress that this creates. I get to go home at the end of the day and while my stress levels are sky high I know I have some respite waiting for me.
I can only begin to imagine what it's like to have the high level of stress in your home constantly.

Ignore the clueless on here that really have no clue what you're going through. You've got to the end of your line. It's been a particularly bad day, ALL of your feelings are justified. You are a human being. And you are completely right that ND children need to be taught (in different ways) that they cannot treat other people like shit with no consequences, lest they end up treating the wrong people like shit in a few years time and the outcome will not be pretty.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so desperate. It's horribly stressful and you're amazing that you have dealt with this for 11 years in what sounds like a very commendable way ❤️

I really feel for you OP. Your son sounds exactly like the boy version of my 12 year old daughter! Almost like for like. Infuriating little green peas in a pod.

FWIW I'm on citalopram. It's not a miracle worker but makes me slightly calmer in the face of incessant opposition. I tried coming off it but realised I'd rather be slightly numb than the alternative.

Wishing you all the best...

I was wondering exactly the same thing. Please get some advice from your GP. Just because you have side effects with one antidepressant, it doesn't mean you will with them all. And if you and your GP decide no to meds, then they can still help you come off sertraline more slowly which will help reduce the withdrawal symptoms and stop your initial symptoms returning. They could also help you with some additional support.

This op! 🔝 sums it up perfectly !

there is such a lot of internalised MISOGYNY on this thread.

Your needs are no less important than your sons OP

This is lovely - and I second everything you've said about the OP. I couldn't even imagine how frustrating it must be. Mums need a bit more recognition, especially mums of children who are ND.

OP, you need a break ❤️

Please try to ignore the judgemental saints posting here OP. I'd love to see what they have to put up with and are like in real life. I have an autistic PDA sibling, they are such a massive challenge to deal with - poor personal hygiene, hoarder, aggressive, won't do anything you ask them to even move a plate from one side of the table to the other, or lose their rag if you dare ask. Won't lift a finger and a twatty attitude to others. Now we're adults, I really don't want to have much to do with them. Shoot me. You're normal but you obviously need help / better meds to cope with that shit.

I think you are being harshly judged @thegreenlight. As the sister of a severely autistic, severe learning disability adult I totally get where you are coming from. The MOST useful thing his psychiatrist has ever said is 'children (as my brother was at the time) with autism or learning disabilities have the capacity to be naughty just like any other. The skill is identifying which behaviours are beyond the scope of their comprehension and cannot be modified and which behaviours are just typical childhood behaviours. If you don't address the later, you will be doing (your child) a disservice'.

It's tough going and your son will shortly be battling with hormones as well as his existing challenges. That doesnt make his behaviour ok, none of it is ok, but it is an added complication. I'd tackle one, low stakes, behaviours and see if you can modify it. Children with autism, as you know, often respond well to hard and fast rules so I'd try with something simple like, crisp packets go in this specific bin. I wouldn't make a big deal of it if there was a crisp packets left out but they would find that there are no more crisps until its been put in the bin. Once that's been mastered Id raise the stakes and move onto something else......

It's really really tough caring with a person with additional needs, be kind to yourself.

“He likes water parks too, should I have one installed?”

Sorry OP, but this made me chuckle

Sounds very difficult and I’m not surprised you snapped when you reached the end of your tether. You sound like a great mum. Autistic kids will grow into autistic adults and do need to learn socially acceptable behaviours and you are trying to instil that into your DS. I’d simply write today off as a bad day and start afresh tomorrow.

Brilliant post

I have a child with adhd. I feel you!

I also have adhd and have a rage. Do you think you could be on the spectrum?

There is no need to be so awful.

@LifeExperience

why exactly do you think she needs medication? Because she is fed up?

A lot of what you post resonates. I think the difference is that as well as the impulsive and irritating behaviours my DC also shows lots of wonderful ones as well. Without his jokes, interesting questions and affection I think I'd find it really hard.

You sound like you have compassion fatigue. Do you get much of a break or time for your own interests?

Also you don't mention your age but going on HRT has hugely reduced my hormonal rage. Side effects are that I don't fully feel like myself tbh so it could be going from the frying pan to the fire in your case.

Wow, there are some absolutely disgusting judgmental pillocks on here.

You sound like a good mum doing a very difficult job that you didn't choose and you don't deserve for your needs to always come last.

🌹🌷🌺🌸💐🌻

She needs medication because she went on sertraline two years ago (presumably because she needed to) and now her brain is used to having a certain level of serotonin available, and she has suddenly stopped providing that. So she is experiencing rage and other negative feelings due to withdrawal, all of which she is attributing to her son's behaviour, even though a large proportion are due to withdrawal from sertraline.

It needs to be managed properly and she is responsible for getting help with this.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

perhaps though she wasn’t actually clinically depressed and in need of antidepressants two years ago. Perhaps she was just having a really normal response to really difficult life circumstances.

Maybe so, but after taking them for two years she still needs to wean off them.

OP, you sound like a brilliant Mum who is dealing with years worth of feelings that have been suppressed, crashing down at once.

It sounds like you are taking control back of your life, and that you miss the version of ‘you’ that you described - passionate, fun, exciting.

I am wondering whether your son’s behaviour is more defiant/difficult now that he recognises a change in you - rather than simply you being less ‘numb’ to it?

You use the word compliant, perhaps now you are less compliant and accepting he is struggling with you challenging him more?

You mention doing courses and classes, and you know your children more than anyone else in this world. But maybe they don’t know this version of you?

Straight to the point: you are not being unreasonable to find your son disgusting, when he is doing disgusting things. ND or not, boy or not (seriously, those saying ‘he’s a boy’, would you laugh it off/minimise if he was a girl? Why do standards of personal hygiene and expectations of acceptable behaviour change between genders?!).

Sorry, was putting my favourite dick-head to bed. I adjusted the fan onto his face in just the angle he likes, put his variety of night lights on, kissed him on the forehead and lovingly told him he’s adopted (he has a horrific sense of humour like I do).

Thankyou for the support. I probably have got ADHD (where the boys got it from! Lucky them!) but the struggle I had and the costs getting my boys diagnosed I don’t fancy doing it for myself any time soon. I’m 41 so maybe pre-menopausal too. Both reasons don’t detract from the fact his behaviour was disrespectful and it is a daily struggle to get him to wash and spitting in water other people will use is disgusting.

I was put on sertraline after my dad died 2 years ago. He was my best and favourite person and it knocked me for 6 but I lost myself with the medication and don’t recognise myself after massive weight gain and don’t plan on going on any more medication.

Maybe I’m a bit much sometimes but I don’t want to be a compliant chief cook and bottle washer any more. It’s affected my trajectory in my career as I didn’t care about anything and had no ambition. Again, Thankyou for hearing my rant. I really needed it tonight and it has been very therapeutic.

Oh op, I haven't read the full thread because I can't bear the "I'm such a perfect parent" responses.
Being the parent of an sen child is hard! Maybe some of those preaching patience have much more support than you do.

It's disgusting that people are saying that you should be medicated just to be numb enough to cope. I'm also on sertraline and have an 11 year old Sen child. Every day is a grind. I love and adore my child but it doesn't stop it being blooming hard. Are we expected to go back to the 1960's when housewives were medicated to keep up with the pretence of everything being perfect?

Could you find a way to get away at all, maybe for a few hours a couple of times a week just to refresh? What you need is a support network not judgement and medication to make you numb and compliant.

@thegreenlight mumsnet is a place where you can vent, off load your rage and say things you wouldnt say to your childs face. You sound totally overwhelmed and stressed. Can you take a break from work for a couple of weeks? Have you considered whether you could be going through perimenopause as well? I'm sure you dont really find your kid disgusting. You sound like a mum who is struggling. But you do need to navigate this and protect your child from your unregulated emotions.

Exactly. Some people are treating the OP as if she is an idiot. She is clearly struggling and needs help.