To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

Honestly @thegreenlight I don’t know if you are in a headspace to take on board what people are saying you.

Your feelings are absolutely valid but they are likely monstrously amplified by a sudden withdrawal from your medication. People genuinely feel empathy for your situation but also feel for your vulnerable disabled son who needs the unconditional love of a parent.

If it helps, DH recently came off sertraline and had a few weeks of feeling so easily irritated by tiny things. The whole family annoyed him constantly, especially our four year old whose fairly typical four year old behaviour made him livid.
Find some strategies to cope and see how you feel in a few more weeks. I would venture it took him 6 weeks to feel less like he wanted to kill us all!

I’m sorry but people blaming it on the withdrawal of sertraline is not fair, I’ve got bipolar been on all sorts of drugs, ( very stable for the past few years) what this woman is feeling is very normal and her feelings on this situation are being gaslighted by some comments here saying it’s all mental health blah blah or the drug withdrawal, people have done that to me in the past and it is extremely patronising and tbh offensive and shows a lack of education on the topic. I think OP I would feel the exact same if I was on your boat, this is a mum venting privately to other mums who is at the end of her tether, she’s not saying it to her son. I am a teacher and have had to teach some challenging autistic children in my career and have found it very hard to not lose my cool and that is just seeing them for 2 hrs a week, let alone parent them. I would seriously reach out to a charity for some help, my husband used to work for an autism charity and they would work with parents on strategies etc to make life more bearable

Games like Roblox are not good for people with ADHD because they don’t have an end goal. People with executive functioning disorders who have trouble knowing how and when to transition from one task to the next can get really addicted and obsessive with those kinds of games that are designed to go on forever.

Not a judgement on you, btw. These games are designed to be addictive in order to drive people to purchase the micro transitions that are in them, and we are only realizing this quite recently. I’m sorry you’re young through this.

‘Without antidepressants I’m passionate, and driven and funny. On them I am better at putting up with other’s bullshit and allowing myself to go through the motions of life, putting my needs last.’

My DD has significant special needs too so please know that I understand how hard it is but at the moment, your son’s needs have to come first. This doesn’t mean yours have to come last, you should aim for equally important and there are services - gps, therapists etc who have a responsibility to meet your needs as a carer.

I’m on antidepressants and it’s helped me find a sweet spot in which I don’t feel like a zombie but I also feel just a bit more capable of dealing with the challenges of caring for a disabled child. It’s not a perfect science and it may take trying different medications, which your GP should support you with.

For now, your priority has to be coping with your child. Not wanting him near you because he left a glass by your bed isn’t a victory over numbness, it’s just a different kind of problem.

Funny, passionate and driven are good goals to have - but in the short term, coping with your son needs to be the priority and trying a different medication or therapy might help you towards your needs being met along with his.

OP, you sound at the end of your tether, and rightly so I would say. You’ve come off a medication that was making you feel a way you don’t want to feel. And now you are FEELING your feelings. Maybe it’s going to take some time to adjust, but you and your family need to iron out your expectations of one another: your son’s behaviour, what you’ll tolerate etc. Your son may have been able to behave this way whilst you were medicated, so it will take some adjustment for him to realise that it’s actually not an acceptable way to behave.
I agree you shouldn’t have to be on medication to tolerate your sons “disgusting” behaviours. Why should you?
Some of these behaviours may be linked to his conditions and some may be his choices. He needs to change those which are choices for his, yours and the rest of the family’s benefit.
I’m really not here for people making excuses for people with autism, NDs etc. Yes those are reasons for some behaviours, but ND people will need to live in the real world, and making excuses for every behaviour is doing them a disservice…understandable if it can’t be remedied, but being unhygienic is something that shouldn’t be given a free pass…if it can be remedied then it should be.
Good luck OP

I second this, you may be ND yourself. I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety for years, on a host of different psych meds which made me a fat zombie with no libido, got a new psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD and put me on Concerta, its like long acting Ritalin. It's been a few months and I am like a different person now. I've been able to drop my beta blocker and sleeping meds completely, and am tapering off my Cilift. Maybe you need an evaluation.

I totally agree.

I cannot believe how hard life is with a 12 hear old with ASD (PDA), ADHD & Uncontrolled epilepsy. It's turned our lives inside out. After 2 NT kids (now older teens) it has hit us like a hurricane these past 2 years in particular. You're in the eye of the storm; like we are. Do what you can to get through.

Shouting at him once doesnt make you a poor parent, you're bloody human. I relate to every behaviour you've listed- the worst at the minute is the extreme anger, on the turn of a coin, out of nowhere. I'm presently stuck by his side (sensory seeking) being forced to watch Splatoon 3, dreading if he loses a match.

87% divorce rate, I can believe that. We're a really strong couple & we are battered & bruised by it so badly that at times it feels like we should live apart just so we can have a break some days.

We pay for care for 4 hours every weekend & get precious time together. If it's something you could afford, please consider it.

Sending solidarity 🙏

.

Whilst most other PPs are telling you you’re the problem here OP, I’m going to go against the grain and give you the handhold I feel you need and agree with what you’re saying to make you feel better by saying……….
Yes, YOUR SON IS A DICK!
Does that help at all? Fully expecting this post to be deleted.
@thegreenlight

@CanadaNotAMum completely agree about things with no end point - my dc aren’t allowed to have their special interest without a time limit, it’s a vital part of a normal life, knowing that you can’t do your special interest to the exclusion of things you have to do as a first priority, and without a time limit.

Feeling irritated and pissed off and sick of it all is normal in that situation imo. The rage though, I think that the sertraline withdrawal may be exacerbating the natural anger that results from your son’s challenging behaviours. I speak as a mum of a child who is ND and who also came
off sertraline recently. OP, I was fucking raging at my DS. Inwardly seething at his behaviours. irritated with my husband and my easy going toddler. I have to admit I went back on it as I couldn’t take the anger and it was making family life hell. I also don’t have the negative side effects you do, just didn’t think it was necessarily the right thing for me (I think I am actually
also ND). I will come off it but will taper properly next time, with the help of my GP. Sorry OP, that might not be helpful but you’re not alone.

Let yourself off the hook for not getting any actual joy out of him. That's not a failing in you. Children do go through phases where they are utterly grotty and thankless. No sane adult derives joy from puddles of piss on the toilet seat, whining or bloody Roblox.

I know everyone is saying "pick your battles" but it's really golden advice. Insist calmly and consistently on the things that really aren't negotiable, and let things go if they're not that deep; it really doesn't matter if he has too much screen time or doesn't shower as often as you'd like. Make sure DH knows just how much you are struggling, and which particularly soul-destroying bits he can take off your hands (my DH cleans piss off the seat for me, because I am also ND and it makes me gag).

Put a lot less pressure on yourself to enjoy your revolting grumpy 11yo. You will find joy in being his mum again, but it doesn't have to be this week. If you can get to the end of the day with "everyone fed, no one dead", that will do for now!

I would also consider going back on the antidepressants for a while. Parenting preteen ND kids can be a grind, and it sounds like your mental health isn't quite robust enough right now. There's no shame in that, and no prizes for doing it all without medical help when you need it.

MH nurse here. Sertraline is an SSRI. SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. What this means, in plain English, is that it stops your body fully reabsorbing a brain chemical called Serotonin, so more Serotonin is available in your brain than would otherwise be there. One of Serotonin's jobs is to stop a particular nerve cell in your brain from firing by sticking to receptors on that cell. As you've stopped Serotonin "cold turkey", all of these nerve cells are now firing which is making you feel so panicky and overwhelmed. You need to stop Serotonin slowly so that your body can get used to there being less Serotonin around. I know it's tempting to stop the Serotonin, especially if you don't like how it makes you feel, but stopping them suddenly can make you feel extremely physically unwell and also increase the risk of erratic and dangerous behaviour. Please please go see your GP so that you can be safely tapered.

She sounds awful? For not wanting to live with a smelly, rude, tantrumming overgrown toddler who spits like a camel and disrespects her?
I’m amazed she hasn’t cracked earlier.

She's asking for help and you sound cruel.

She's at the end of her tether and being driven round the bend

OP, you need some support with appropriate strategies and expectations. Dad sounds like he is supportive and on board so agree between you what sanctions and consequences there should be for things and when there shouldnt be any and what things garner praise, how to talk in a more positive way about all things. This isnt going to happen overnight so you'll need support to have time out to manage.

This!!

None of that sounds particularly disgusting; just a slobbish average young boy with additional needs. If you think this is bad, wait until he’s a teenager. Sorry but this is a you problem. I know exactly where you are coming from with Sertraline; I’ve just weaned myself off it after being on it for 4 years. However you are so NOT ready to be off medication if things like this are making you rage in this way. You need to be back on a medication ASAP. Sorry. I’ve been there (for different reasons) and totally get it. Medication is life changing…..look at starting a different one.

Stopping Sertraline without tapering is likely to make you feel so much worse, @thegreenlight.

This includes irritability and other mood changes. It does not mean you have to stay on it. It does mean you need to slowly taper off.

Even at 50mg it is important, because Sertraline has a particularly short half-life.

Many GPs are not very knowledgeable about this, but the NHS guidelines also have a link to the Royal college of psychiatry advice.

Even if you don't reinstate the drug temporarily and taper, you do need to be aware that your mood and reactions right now are very likely affected by SSRI discontinuation syndrome. So that you can separate the role of your son's behaviour from the effects of stopping the drug cold turkey.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/medicines-and-psychiatry/stopping-or-coming-off-antidepressants/

@Ritadidsomethingbad this us a safe space for OP to vent when she’s come off meds and feeling vulnerable. She’s done this to keep a brave face on for her kid. Telling her to ‘get a fucking grip’ is so juvenile.

OP my DH has ASD and my eldest a lot of traits, it is very hard work parenting kids with impulse control, executive function issues, it’s exhausting, it feels thankless and endless. I hear you.

You can’t just stop taking it. That’s why it’s made you this way. Go back on it TONIGHT and taper off it slowly. I’ve literally just done this and tapered off it over the course of a month. I had zero side effects.

I’ve calmed down now - I needed to vent. It wasn’t about leaving a bag of crisps by my bed, it was a catalogue of disrespectful words and actions in a short period and when I went upstairs to give myself a breather he had ripped my beautifully made bed apart and left food rubbish by my bed. That is MY space and he disrespected it and left it in a state. When people say ‘pick your battles’ I do. He crossed a line. My son is a dickhead but I still love him. Jesus Christ, the minor things husbands have to do on here for their wives to be told to leave them and my child can treat me like a twat and I should smile, ignore and rely on personality changing medication so that I don’t cause him any sort of discomfort because he has autism. No thanks. He might have to put up with the occasional rage but you know what, that’s life. I’m the mum who goes with him on rollercoasters takes him to gaming cons, watches sitcoms with him, tells jokes with him and randomly dances in the kitchen and basically tries to make his life as wonderful as possible. I’m a bloody good mum to a very difficult child but I am only human. I know IABU but I don’t really care.

I think the rage is most likely grief at the shitty hand you've been given and withdrawl from meds.
It is shit op, complete fucking shit and your feelings are valid and normal for someone in your situation, these challenges are mind-blowingy frustrating.

I think for the meantime you need to have dad on hands with him 90% of the time whilst you investigate having a carers break or getting him into some clubs away from the house for a bit.

I can't give any more advice, am in a similar situation and not doing too great myself.

Do you recognise that your response has been affected by withdrawal from your medication?

Are you going to go back to your doctor and talk about how to manage this?

Also, I never said I hated him, I didn’t suggest such a thing. And just because he didn’t ask to be born doesn’t mean he can treat me any way he feels. I have said NOTHING to him other than shout at him to get out of the pool as asking him nicely was doing nothing. He gave zero shits about having messed up my bed and had no intention of apologising anyway.

I shouldn’t expect any joy then, just soul crushing servitude and being treated like something on the bottom of his shoe. Right. And calling him disgusting - it doesn’t matter that other boys of his age are like that, they’re clearly disgusting too.