To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

Hi OP. I hear you. I am sorry that things are so difficult. Realistically, what do you think would resolve this situation and what would you like to happen?

Get rid of the Roblox. He can earn it back with good behavior.

I understand you are tired and stressed but you need to separate his condition from behaviour and a lot of what you are describing is normal behaviour for an 11 year old, they are messy, they do get lazy and can be smelly and peeing on the toilet seat is another boy thing and yes it's grose. If you shout at your son it just escalates the behaviour which then will lead to a meltdown.

I think it sounds like you probably need to either go on another anti depressant or learn to de escalate situations. Also I'd he is not doing what you ask or screaming when he has the game on then you need to remove the game and keep removing it till he gets the message, having ASD/ADHD is not a get out of jail card for behaviour, which is what a lot of people seem to do.

I think some people think you should stay on the medication Op regardless of the weight gain!! Unbelievable!!

The op can try a different medication what's wrong with that? Either that or continue escalating her sons behaviour.

A child can be autistic AND badly behaved, rude and obnoxious. Honestly, it doesn't matter if he likes the sensory feel of water on his skin or the feel of spitting in a hot tub. Hygiene and not spitting in communally used water is not negotiable. I HATE cutting my toenails, it's a massive sensory issue for me, but that doesn't mean I just go around with 6 inch talons. I have to grit my teeth and do it, even if it makes me want to cry. I love the feel of putting my hand in a sack of rice. I don't go around supermarkets sticking my hand in rice which other people are going to have to buy and eat. PDA or not, at some point in his life he is going to have to follow some instructions. The world is not low demand. It's pretty fucking high demand for people with ND. Even when you have a great employer who makes adjustments, surviving an NT world as an ND person is hard and I'm glad no-one gave me the impression that because I was ND I was going to get to only do things which I wanted to do and wasn't going to face the same punishments as other people if I broke rules.

11 was the hardest age with my SD14, diagnosed ADHD, probably also autistic. She refused to wash, deliberately ate in the most disgusting possible way, said nasty and unkind things including insinuating her sister was fathered by a much older family friend, and was generally awful to be around. I'm ready for the evil stepmother comments so feel free to come at me, Mumsnet. We drew firm boundaries and set consequences, which I'm sure you've done OP, and it was really fucking boring and meant that as a family we missed out on quite a few fun things and put up with a bad atmosphere a lot. But she came out on the other side and whilst every teenager is a bit rude and obnoxious, I no longer want to tear my hair out around her. My 4yo is a different story...

Coming off Sertraline is absolutely brutal. Especially without tapering. I understand your point about personality changing medication, but do be aware that your mood is currently still being affected by the withdrawal, so that will be colouring your impressions. Its not "the veil lifting" and it should improve. Can you work out what behaviours irritate you but actually really aren't that bad, and what behaviours you need to hold a firm line on. Otherwise its just you pinging about being annoyed by this, being annoyed by that without a firm plan for if X happens, natural consequences are Y. That way also you have a better idea of whether you are being annoyed for good reason, or if you are just annoyed.

I've seen posters face pages and pages of pleas to leave their partner and keep him away from their kids for using language far short of what OP has been saying here. If this is genuine it's awful.

This. Also if his Dad can cope with him we'll ask him to do more parenting of him. You could try taking yourself out of the situation at home for a few hours each weekend. A calm walk around the park alone where you can take deep breaths and look at the lovely scenery. It might make you able to cope when you get back home. House rules no food in bedrooms. Get DH on board with enforcing this. OP my eldest son has ADHD and at times when he was a child I was at screaming point. I clearly remember taking him to consultant and telling consultant I was at my wits end because he kept cutting things especially his bed sheets. I was always having to replace them every couple of weeks. I drove me mad. The consultant looked at me and said nothing. I asked him what I should do. He replied to me a DC he had seen earlier in the morning cut himself not bed sheets. That was a turning point for us. It made me think.how much worse if he cut himself. I started taking him out for half a day on his own every weekend. I left DH looking after our other dc. It helped us re-bond. Now he's an adult and very loving.

In terms of Sertraline, my daughter really struggled with it and despite being very slender all her life, suddenly piled on a lot of weight. GP changed her over to Venlafaxine and it's been life changing. She's a different person. The weight has gone too. I don't think you not being medicated is an option currently. I have a lot of sympathy because I also have an ASD/ADHD young teen and it's tough and they are challenging to say the least. However you can't be the parent he needs while you're unwell yourself

I was going to say I was surprised your GP advised to just stop taking the Sertraline, but looking at your OP it sounds like you just did it yourself. Which is totally your right - but if you are struggling its worth going to your GP for advice on tapering, or something else to help (even if its temporary).

I agree! This poor boy. Also, Sertraline did not 'put four stone on you'. I am on Sertraline and I am very slim, it does NOT make you gain weight.

I’m team you, btw. Your son is behaving awfully and needs consequences. Roblox would be the first to go.
There should be no team anything- it’s not one against the other and knee jerk reactions like getting rid of something he loves will not help.

HonoraBridge Thankyou so much. It’s difficult like this every day. There is no resolving the situation, I will go to bed and wake up in the morning, change both the boy’s beds as they will have wet them as they do every night. Manhandle the eldest into the shower (little one takes himself!) and hope tomorrow will be slightly less vexing. I will struggle to get him to use deodorant and go through the drama of brushing teeth. Little one will cry and scream because they hate school. Rinse and repeat. This is life for ND parents. There’s no point having respite, I can’t hide from my life, I just want to face it as me, flaws and all, not as a shadow I don’t recognise. Anyway, off to DisneyWorld with my poor, unfortunate children at half term. Looking forward to feeling excited as when we went last year I felt absolutely nothing - onwards and upwards.

Except I think she's saying it about him, not to him. Telling your son he is disgusting is worse than venting on mumsnet that he is disgusting (although that's not a great sign). I don't think telling her son in the hot tub his attitude stinks is on a level either. That's standard parent telling off. Clearly she needs to fix some stuff but its not abusive (unless there is info missing).

@MsLuxLisbon

riiiiiight. So it didn’t have that side effect for you. And? So what? You’re lucky. Op hasn’t been so lucky.

weight gain is a common side effect of most antidepressant medication, it’s in the patient info leaflets.

What role does his father play in the family?

This entire thread needs to be shut down. The most unhealthy and toxic thread ive seen here. Op, your son is not disgusting, don't say that but I'm sure you don't mean it and you're upset and instead of getting support you have had nasty comments back but to be honest op what did you expect. As for all the ppl here asking if you have adhd or autism I wish ppl would stop attributing every single emotion or upset to mean you are on the spectrum. Is that what we do now?? every time someone speaks we ask them to consider having adhd. Op instead of being on this thread, get on google to see what services your area gives in terms of help for you and the kids. Tell your doctor how you are.feeling and let the professionals decide what's wrong.

Gosh.. l can feel your rage and anger on here.. coming out in your typing.
It's not your son that's the problem it's you!.
I have two daughters and four Grandkids with ASD.
Never in my life have l or my daughters had your level of anger and swearing.. you need some help.. honestly .. it's there for the asking.. plenty of other medication and therapy out there for you .
I hope you get the help you need to find some loving care in yourself for your son.

not everybody will understand, but 11 years of parenting a child with autism is a really long haul.

As challenging as he is now, I advise getting some ground rules now, before he's a foot taller than you. Decide what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate. Get your husband to back you up.

No food upstairs.
If he can't use the toilet he has to use a bucket outside.

No gaming. Addiction to gaming + being on the spectrum + no father to 'contain' his rage turned my already messy defiant (ODD?) son into an intimidating, raging, defiant demanding entitled bully who screamed at me if I so much as asked him to put a teabag in the compost bin. He made half of the mess he made on purpose/

If I could go back to when he was 11 I'd implement a lot more rules. I picked my battles as they say, but that meant in the end that I let everything go.

If I could go back in time, I'd ban gaming. He'd have kicked off royally for 96 hours but eventually, he'd have accepted it, and at 11, that was a battle that I should have fought, could have won and would have been worth fighting.

No, it isn't! It is a side effect for antipsychotics, not for SSRIs. People will use any excuse for weight gain, but to say sertraline causes it is a new low.

I think there are two things going on right now. Firstly, I can’t imagine how difficult and stressful it is parenting ND children, so I won’t even try to understand how you’re feeling but it’s clear you’re a good mum and you love him, you’re just struggling right now.

Secondly, withdrawing from sertraline cold turkey will definitely be heightening your feelings and your fuse will be shorter. Withdrawing is awful if not done properly. I’m not saying stay on antidepressants because that’s up to you, but please consider talking to your GP and coming off them properly.

Zoloft (Sertraline) Withdrawal Symptoms: List + Duration - MentalHealthDaily

I'm on your side, OP. As a teacher in a mainstream school with some autistic/SEN students, I really wish all parents would put in boundaries. Some let their children get away with blue murder just because they've got a diagnosis. Yes, I know little Timmy is autistic - that doesn't mean I can let him hit Lucy. I've literally had parents tell me that there should be 0 consequences in such a situation.

Like you point out, what happens when these kids grow up, have a relationship, maybe kids of their own? How will they interact with colleagues, friends, lovers in the future if they are allowed to hit others with no consequence, cross boundaries with no consequence, be rude or mean with no consequence? Yes, there is a very good reason for why these kids struggle, but that's surely all the more reason to help them understand what is or isn't acceptable behaviour?

@MsLuxLisbon If you read my post of a few minutes ago, my size 6 daughter went to almost a 14 on Sertraline. She is not a big eater and it was the only thing that changed. GP swapped her prescription and the weight came off very quickly.