To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

It's not irrational, I don't know why parents are expected to behave as though awful things are fine and as though love really is unconditional (it isn't). Honestly, be proud of yourself that you haven't walked away or asked social services to take him because plenty would and do. It will get better. He'll grow up and you'll get space to be you again.

Sorry if this has been asked and answered, don’t have time to read the full thread right now but I got to the end of page one and wondered if you have tapered off the antidepressants under your GP or if you have just stopped cold turkey?

Coming off antidepressants suddenly is never a good idea. They advise against it for very good reasons.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds really hard. It's perfectly understandable that you feel angry. You don't sound awful at all - you sound human, and exhausted. I don't have any useful advice, but I just wanted to send a bit of solidarity. (Also to echo what PPs have said, your mood might stabilise a bit once your body has adjusted to the withdrawal of sertraline. I know this isn't a magic fix though.)

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Hi Op, I came off Sertraline 5 weeks ago (after gradually tapering down the dose over several months) and I found that I was very very irritable and short tempered for the immediate 2 weeks after I stopped … I’m only just starting to feel calmer and more “myself”. Your exasperation with your son is probably so much worse because you are having withdrawal symptoms from the Sertraline. Hopefully you will feel calmer in the next week or so and more able to cope. I think it takes a lot longer to adjust after stopping Sertraline than people are told.

GP is shit - pretty sure they just Google things anyway. Best option for me would be Bupropion but, alas, it costs £43 a month to the NHS instead of £1.23 so it is massively difficult to have it prescribed (and a postcode lottery which is not favourable for my area). I’m having a lot of big feelings at the moment, but it’s better than feeling nothing at all.

A lot of the posts on here smack of the 60s when women just needed to be medicated to cope with their shitty lives.

No amount of therapy or medication changes the hand you've got if its a bad one. Yes you might cope slight better but as OP says, it means subjugation of her needs ultimately, pretending it doesnt is gaslighting.

I’ve got an autistic DS (PDA) who gives zero fucks about anything. I could have written your post and I’ve got no intention of coming off my chosen AD.

It’s just really fucking hard, thankless and often horrible. 💐or 🍷if you prefer.

Perhaps the medication made you so indifferent that your DC saw no consequences for their actions so developed this lazy attitude as a result?

It's difficult but now that you're off medication and do care about this kind of behaviour you can do something about it.

Can you decide on a consistent set of rules and then sit down and calmly explain them to your son? He's going to be resistant and first and have a terrible attitude because he's gotten used to getting away with it. But consistency is key. He needs to know they the new rules are here to stay and he doesn't have the option to ignore them.

Mess everywhere should result in specific consequences like fixed amounts of time away from Roblox or whatever devices he has.

Yes it's going to be very very difficult to start with but it's a necessary bit to get over to try and change behaviours.

Your GP can discuss tapering off rather than just stopping. You may prefer big emotions to no emotions but if your big emotions is rage then you have a responsibility to manage that around young children. You just do, and I don't give a shit how many people on this thread tell you otherwise.

It is absolutely about the catalogue of words and actions - that final one that tips you over the edge that always comes while you’re dealing with the fallout of the 20 that came before it. Coping with all that while not feeling 100% is difficult to say the least. I’m not surprised OP is here venting. She’s not sat saying this stuff to her DS ffs.

You're dealing with a child with special needs here, he's not disgusting but you sound horrible.

She's not horrible, she's in withdrawal - honestly it will be heightening all her negative emotions and making her react in ways she otherwise would not.

At least acknowledge (to yourself) that the withdrawal phase is very likely making those feelings exaggerated right now.

This isn't the 'real you' either. A brain which is suddenly cut off from the SSRI it has been acclimatised to for two years is screaming out (at the risk of sounding dramatic, but I've been there, and the research shows this discontinuation syndrome is common).

I cannot even begin to imagine cold turkey off Sertraline while parenting a child showing challenging behaviours.

That is why all advice is not to stop suddenly. It's not a matter of white-knuckling through. That just makes things harder and increases the risk of longer term symptoms.

I can’t bear to read the full thread and all the judgy comments. It’s hard, OP. You don’t sound awful.

‘ND’ can mean so many things, and I often find the cheerful happy positive parents of ND kids with ‘superpowers’ don’t have extremely challenging, often violent, ultra demand avoidant behaviours to deal with day in day out, and have that little bit more in the tank, that little bit more sense of selfhood as anything other than a service animal / general object of abuse.

Try another antidepressant. Without meds I would just not cope at all.

I'm a single mum to a audhd child who was worse than yours.

She was violent and aggressive as well as messy, doesnt go to school or outside

What do I do? Got support services in, low demand parent, Melatonin, and use declarative language and i pick my battles.

She is however on Autistic burnout out, so I give her compassion for that . She has ocds and anxiety too.

It's exhausting but I'm also on anxiety meds and couldnt handle this without

I found the book/audio the 'Explosive child ' great. It teaches you how to approach kids, what to say etc. Sometimes kids don't do stuff because they don't know how to. I'm not saying you haven't told him a million times but try approaching it a different way.
Ie you seem to have a problem with using the toilet hygienically, why do you think that is? Is there anything I can do to help? . Them say how you'd like him to do it ( give him choices and collaborate).
Be calm and empathetic.
It's is exhausting though, I agree. Sucks the life out of you.

I agree, it's the drip-drip.

I think the rage is most likely grief at the shitty hand you've been given this from a PP resonates, I'm definitely grieving for the life we had & feel we should have. It's so bloody hard.

Have you tried citalopram op? Much better for me than sertraline

In terms of side effects etc

You say you don’t want anti depressants then name another medication you want.
You should never stop taking anti depressants without medical advice. Oh need to taper off and do it under medical supervision.
This medication may well not have suited you but it sounds like you do need something.

You're in withdrawal. You shouldn't ever stop something like that, you have to come off it slowly or you end up like this.

Maybe your DH can take over and you can take yourself away for the weekend.

Solidarity to those coping with ND children, they can be wonderful but bugger me it’s hard, and for some reason we are held up to this ridiculous standard that normal parents aren’t. We are just the same, only our children are different. I will not be spoken to like a twat and it isn’t showing love to my son if I let him, what about when it’s his wife or husband coming on here to he told to LTB. Autistic children need and deserve to see the full range of human emotions, good or bad. We will get over tonight (he already has and I guess I have too) and tomorrow he will still be a dickhead, and I will be an unstable wreck but we will be just fine.

Talk to your GP, if not a psychiatrist, and get different medication. You're not helping your son or yourself by refusing to be medicated when you obviously need it.

I agree with others suggesting you maybe on the spectrum too. Both my DD’s have ASD and I am waiting for a ADHD diagnosis myself. Some other things my youngest dd does are really annoying at times, some of the things she does effects me a lot (sensory) and I have to stop myself from shouting or moaning at her because she can’t help the way she is. She verbally stims a lot and makes noises when she eats which can drive me nuts. My eldest dd is pretty lazy and doesn’t do anything to help at home but she says she needs me to give her clear instructions and then she will do it, she can’t use common sense to pick up clothes off the floor or to take her plate out to the kitchen.