Primary school auties step into Christmas and the New Year - thread 8

[openupmyeagereyes]

New thread.

This is the continuation of the thread for parents / carers of autistic children / children with additional needs. Most of us are parents of children in year 1 / year 2.

Links to old threads

Thread 1 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

Thread 4 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4

Thread 5 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1

Thread 6 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1

Thread 7 -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7

Can I connect it to my laptop?? 🤣🤣🤣

Carrie your pancakes are hilarious 🤣 they look like my omelettes!

The first pancake is often not good because the pan isn’t hot enough. I use butter and wait until it’s really sizzling.

Honestly I was so annoyed and yes I tried 2 bloody pans I grabbed both kids, shoved in the car and drove to m and s to just buy some. Gah!!!

Open that was about the 10th attempt 🤣

Carrie I’m sure you excel in other areas! 😂

Ha, I was going to say that.

carrie I don’t know what’s happening then but at least it’s only once a year!

Ds and his controlling ways!

I’ve spoken on here before how controlling he is, I can’t speak on the phone, he hates the sound of me breathing and demands I stop breathing immediately sounds appealing

I can’t eat near him, can’t go near him if I’ve drank coffee or he makes sick noises because of the smell, can’t have you sat next to him on the sofa, doesn’t let you sing, can’t have the radio on, his school have to email me or ring me when he’s on his way home because the last time they rang when he was home ds went nuclear because i answered the phone and always ends in him being violent, etc etc etc, you have to play to his tune OR ELSE basically, it’s so hard to live around. I find myself breathing into my dressing gown if I’m sat in the same room as him just to avoid him hearing me breathe and kicking off.

He can’t tolerate me talking to dh now…

Can’t live like this. Utter misery!

He’s come in from school, dh is on nights tonight so he’s been to bed for couple of hours, dh got up for a bit and we were talking, as you do in a normal world, ds thrown a huge wobbler, demanding I stop talking to dad now, don’t speak to him near me, I hate you speaking to dad, stop speaking now, don’t speak to anyone, do as I say and don’t speak! he’s got himself in that much of a state he’s nearly choked on a breadstick having a meltdown still putting food in his mouth.

I said no ds! I am talking to daddy! How ridiculous. (I’m not putting up with that level of control, I’m sick of putting up with ANY level of control) obvs he’s gone mental but I’m not stopping speaking to somebody because an 8 year old has told me not to. Hell will freeze over before I give in to demands of not speaking to my husband in my own god damn house! And I’m not falling down that slippery slope of stopping talking to dh when ds is around because it feeds ds control.

He’s screaming at me, I’m putting jam on his hot cross bun he’s on the stool next to me and he’s kicked me in my back near my kidney (fucking hard!) he’s kicked me in the back before and I couldn’t breathe in without pain for days.

I’m totally fuming with all this violence, really am.

What would you do? Keep speaking? I’m not stopping! The more you do as he says, the more you enable the controlling behaviour… it’s utterly ridiculous.

This is why when he leaves for school I feel free! Free to breathe, free to put my music on, free to eat cheese and onion crisps and drink strong coffee and sit where I bloody well like and spend hours on the phone to people etc etc. I always think if your partner treat you like this they would of been arrested and put in jail for coercive control torture

What is life.

I’ve explained to his teacher what he’s like at home with his controlling and what lengths he goes to, his teacher just said I hugely sympathise I know what he’s like he’s the same in school, demands staff stand in certain places, kids sit in certain seats, doesn’t like the staff making breathing noises, when you don’t do exactly as he says he gets aggressive.

I know why he’s like it, I sympathise that he’s so anxious and pda but what I don’t know is how to stop it. (Things I’ve tried don’t work, ignoring his demands make him violent)

It’s gone way too far when he’s dictating that you don’t breathe, don’t speak and don’t move!

Makes home life hell.

Not that I’m implying ds is the same as an adult doing it.

I mean it’s a similar thing but different consequences. I know what I’m trying to say anyway.

An adult can help it, I know ds cant. But it still grinds you down and if an adult were to do it to their partner, ie kicking off every time they spoke moved or breathed there would be consequences and they would be arrested and charged.

Ds does it to me every day and that’s fine. It’s oh yes we sympathise but unfortunately tough shit get on with it. And unlike a woman who can escape it, I have to deal with it possibly forever more.

Just wish I could find a way to help him. And help myself in the process.

I feel like Chelsea from EastEnders. When greys in hospital and she chucked the crumbs on the kitchen floor, that’s me when ds has gone to school! 😂😂😂

I shouldn’t laugh really…

I sympathise @danni0509, DS is similar.
I do tend to follow his lead with it ad he usually then gets less anxious and less demanding for a bit (but it comes in waves).
I go with it as much as I can but then carve out time just for me, so on Sat I'm going out warly to get my hair done and that will be my time.
I feel you though!!

Honestly Danni? If it was me with DS? If it was SO unmanageable and I had exhausted everything else from a behavioural/ strategy perspective I would medicate. For a better life for him… not school, not me but for him and in our case DD. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt.

But that’s just my view. X

There’s quite a lot on this is the book that you may find helpful.

I’m the same magrat Everyone knows not to phone me whilst he’s home, I purposely avoid a lot of things in the first place, like coffee and crisps and listening to music, not to stress him out and have to deal with the kick offs. So I just don’t do it when he’s around, which can be limiting, but never mind. Breathing on the other hand, unfortunately I have to do

He always seems to take it to new levels though, like I’m literally only ‘allowed’ to talk to him and that’s it now. He hates the drive thru now because he doesn’t want me to speak to the person at the window (to order) he says to me in the morning don’t speak to x (taxi)

He’s saying to the passenger assistant don’t look forward look at me. (20 miles each way) wants her eyes on him all the way there and all the way back. I said to her please tell me you don’t do as he says? (The more people do it, the more it fuels it) she said I just thought he was being bossy. Well if a child told me to look at them for 40 miles a day and not turn my head, I would say that was more than ‘bossy’!!

I explained to her about his need to be in control. But also at the same time, his demands can be totally ridiculous, such as - looking at him for 40 miles and that you do have to draw a line!

carrie I need to look in to it a bit more, I’m not worried about giving it if it’s going to help, it’s how it’s administered, can it be crushed added to drink or can it be made in liquid form. It’s not the giving him it I worry about, (it can only help) it’s the getting it down him.

Danni well done on the weight loss. Especially with everything on your plate. I need to take myself in hand but I am comfort eating a lot at the moment. I was doing IF too which I should resume.

The school trip was awful and I wish that I hadn't gone as I think DS would have been better without me. All the other adults had 5 children each apart from me who had 4 including DS. I really think DS needs 1:1 on these outings. He kept trying to run away, messing with doors, repeatedly asking to go the toilet. I just felt embarrassed that I could not control my own child. Then DS asked if he could move to his TA's group at lunchtime. As it was we were all together for the afternoon session. Watching DS compared to his classmates in the afternoon workshop was pretty depressing.

Danni DS is very controlling too. A lot of the time I do just give in to it eg he also hates me talking to other people at times so I stop. The post adoption therapist gave us some games to play that I controlled then afterwards I had to ask him who had been in control, then ask if he felt safe when I was in control and then reminded him that I would keep him safe and that we can have fun when I am in control. Not sure how effective they have been

Danni I sympathise, like Magrat's ds the controlling behaviour comes in waves. So at least I sometimes get respite from it but when it is happening (along with the violence) it's awful. I'm not sure how you manage it constantly.

I'm sorry the trip was bad dimples. I took ds on a couple in mainstream and they without fail ended with me in tears.

Oh @dimples76 sounds harsh. DS needs 121 a lot specifically to keep him engaged etc and I remember his mainstream experiences, he should never have been put in those situations really, there was no way he could have coped. And the stress it all caused us all.
Surely if you were there for your DS, they shouldn't have given you 4 more children?! I mean, isn't that the point, that your DS needs extra support so they really should have factored that into their ratios.
Never mind, it's almost Friday!!

I’m with Magrat! Sorry it was difficult dimples but why on earth didn’t ds have his one to one with him?? It was totally unfair to give you 4 other kids. Not fair on your ds or you.

Tomorrow’s another day, start again then x

Thanks everyone. It is frustrating as we spoke about the ratios after the Autumn trip where his 1:1 looked like she needed a stiff drink after it was over (again she had other children with her too).

You're right tomorrow is another day - not going to be an easy one though! In the morning DS has an EEG and in the afternoon will find out if boiler is repairable... no hot water at the moment so I can't even have a bath to relax. I'm also meant to be working. Roll on the weekend!

dimples that’s total madness! Your ds is a 1-1 job at school so they give you ds and 3 other kids to look after. Where the fuck is the logic in that? And why was his 1-1 with another group! She should of been with you and ds. Wow! They didn’t think that one through did they.

Thanks all, for your stories of controlling children. It makes me feel better lol x

danni is it an anti-anxiety medication that would help?

dimples your ds has 1:1 support and especially needs it outside the safely of school. You should not have had any other children. I’ve been on two school trips with ds and both times I only had him.

Open the meds are what I suppose are classified as antipsychotics. Such as risperal. They are used successfully in children who have uncontrollable ‘angry outbursts’ often involving violence that otherwise can’t be managed by other tried means.

I’ve no experience but another poster on here says they were on the verge of a CAHMS admission but that was avoided by this type of medication and her son is now levelled out, happier, calmer and able to learn (and is doing.)

So does that mean it controls the response rather than helping to solve the cause which is the anxiety?