When you get pulled aside by a teacher to complain about your child, do you ever feel like saying 'whateeever^ and going away and not coming back?

[Aloha]

Because I do! Apparently ds (five, Aspergers, in mainstream reception) has been 'very difficult' and 'uncooperative' and 'destructive' this week (says one of the TAs, though I always ask his teacher at pickup time and she's said nothing and he's been just the best little boy in the boy in the world at home) - I go to pick him up after being out for work reasons and dh is already there (we both work at home btw) and being 'taken aside', so she gives me the talk too, and I just think 'what on earth am I supposed to do about it?'
I am sure he can be difficult at school, but I can't actually do anything about that. And he isn't being remotely difficult at home.
What do they expect of me?
Personally, I suspect he's bored.
Btw they told me he'd spent part of today and yesterday with the deputy head (in hushed tones) - and I think why? It won't scare/bother him. He has no idea really who she is or about her status. And when they told me he wasn't joining in with PE I just felt like saying, 'so what?'
I just don't feel anything - not cross, not disappointed, just irritated and pissed off.
Am I Being Unreasonable?

No but I feel like hugging my MN mates when it happens to them

Does he not have any support in the school?

What does the school do when he is being "'very difficult' and 'uncooperative' and 'destructive' "???

Call a meeting with head and do they have a senco? Ask them how they paln on dealign with any difficult behaviour. What do they do when other children have a bad week? What do they and then see iof ypu agree, will think will work for your DS?

Sorry babes > >>>>

Ah, you are so LOVELY TC
He does have some support (is on School Action Plus)
I don't really know what they do. Sometimes the staff are hard to talk to, either being a bit dismissive or just wanting to talk about the bad/annoying things he is doing, but it is frustratingly hard to get them to describe exactly in what context in happens etc - ie me 'well what exactly was happening when he pinched X?' - 'nothing, they were just in teh playground/book corner'. I know it isn't 'nothing' it must be something, no matter how trivial it seems to them. I'm NOT saying it's OK to pinch (though I cannot get worked up about not joining in with PE, I just can't) but if they want to do anything other than just vent at me, they need to tell me more, iyswim.
It's hard to get a meeting either. Suppose I've got to try...sigh.
He'll probably be fine next week. They do seem to find him really tricky, though I don't, most of the time. He's really gentle and sweet with his sister, for example and never, ever, ever violent at home.

I used to dread pick up time when DS5 was in year 1 aloha. He was going through assessment, but had not been dx yet. The teacher was horrible-she has left the school now-but she seemed to dislike DS and refused to take account of his probable dx (He is AS). In the end I asked if she could make a proper appointment to see me if she had any negative comments to make, as I used to have to listen to this tirade every night-in front of other parents-and it was really upsetting me. The things she complained about were all clearly linked to his being AS-things like hiding under the table, making noises etc. After that she barely spoke to me-but ahe was useless anyway!

Ds;s teacher seems nice. She doesn't complain. Ho hum.

I don't have time to write a post re my son but just want to tell you that you are so not alone!!My beautiful ,bright well behaved EVERYWHERE but school ds is forever being sent to the head(which he loves),apparently this week his behaviour has deteriorated further,and i just told the teacher"well, i don't know what to say to you,because he only does this at school"and shrugged.It felt good tbh because that's the reality,he doesn't like school and to be honest if had to spend hours with the other kids there so would i .He is like a different child at school behaviour wise,we suppport the school but it is up to them to sort things out-my teacher friends remind me often that"every child matters"(latest gov waffle stuff issued to schools)

You are definitely not alone. Ds current school are great and always try to focus on the things he has done well. If he has a bad day his TA gives me a discreet thumbsdown and the details are written in his home/school book for me to read later.

However don't get me started on his old school! The head teacher only ever saw him as a problem and treated him as such. He went from a happy confident very busy little boy to an aggressive, unhappy child who wet the nbed and had nightmares. The scholl NEVER took any respomsibility for their part in this and suggested I needed parenting classes in spite of the fact that he ahd been ok at home and at preschool.

Some schools/heads/teachers are bloody useless when it comes to ASD.

If they are just providing you with negative comments & no constructive ideas to improve things then I'm not surprised you feel as you do.
If they don't do something differently nothing will change.

I tend to either get 'oh it's Ok' or a list of complaints tbh. Always one or the other. And he really has been fab at home. Lots of fun, reading loads, interested in everything (greek myths and poems tonight at bedtime, asking me what a pun is, what is the sea of tranquillity, why do gorgons have snakes in their hair etc) and really no trouble. He usually likes school and he has friends, so I don't understand it. And I really, really don't understand what they want me to do when I get a litany of complaints about his behaviour. If any teachers are reading, I would honestly like to know what response they expect.

Do you have a home/school book for him?

Also maybe you could request a meeting and say that you are concerned about the problems he is having at school and ask them what strategies they are using to try and support him and prevent inappropriate behaviour. Place the onus firmly back with them.

Well I had this with dd and in a meeting I explained that really unless they had something constructive to say then don't say it. So don't tell me she had a screaming fit in PE unless you can then tell me what action you took to resolve the situation. I can understand with a "nt" child that yes parent should know but with children with asd and similar difficulties surely us poor mums have enough to deal with (and I told them that too!!!!)

God yes, I get the feeling they want me to do something about what happens when they are in loco parentis, and which doesn't happen at all at home. Maybe I want a polite way of saying 'well what do you want me to do about it?'

Have to say Aloha that is exactly what I did say. I guess it is slightly different as dd is statemented and is in a unit. I said look what do you expect me to do about it? All it does is stress me out and make me anxious and worried. I don't need it, I have enough to deal with!

ds doesn't have a statement and is in mainstream. I can understand if they say he is a bit tricky, but other than that think they must be doing something wrong because imo he is a nice, clever, interesting, eccentric little person who can be frustrating and annoying but not a monster.

I may be completely off the mark here, but have you thought of asking the school to do an ABC log? Apologies if you know what it is already, but it stands for Antecedent, Behaviour, Consequences. So they make a brief note of what was happening before the behaviour occured, what the behaviour was and the consequence. This might have a number of positive outcomes.
It might establish a pattern, if there is one.
It might force the school to be more specific, rather than just bandying around useless vague words like 'difficult'.
It might give you some ammunition if it's obvious that there IS a pattern and it's their fault - they may be doing something unconsciously that makes him anxious, or he may be acting up when he's bored, as you say.

Hi, thanks for your thoughts and comments. Re the ABC log, think they will resist. I have asked them to write down probs, but then get, 'oh he's fine at the moment' then another pulling aside. I think it's a fab idea, but no idea how to make them do it, and also they keep insisting there is no context

They have had autism support and his key TA has a lot of experience with Aspergers, which makes it even more frustrating tbh.
I am getting someone from the autistic society who works for the local authority to provide autism support to visit me at home later this month, and I think I will raise this with her, because I do find it hugely frustrating.

Aloha, I have not read all the thread so hope I am not repeating anything. I just wanted to say this to you. Stay with your opinions as they are at the moment. Schools have a way of beating a parent down, reducing them to wrecks and the child too. All they want is for the child to conform so it is less hassle for them. Continue standing up for your child and for yourself too. My ds's school reduced me to a quivering wreck at times and made him hate school so much. He is now in year 7 and the new school is so supportive and treat him and me as human beings. So speaks a parent of a 12yr old AS boy.

Aloha

Have seen all this before unfortunately.

I would seriously now consider applying for a Statement of Special Needs for your son as he is being sold short here by the school. School Action Plus will not cut it for him long term in particular because he is not getting enough support in class (would think he is not getting any one to one for instance).

Have the school never suggested you as the parents apply for such a document anyway?. If not I wonder why. Apart from anything else such a document is legally binding (SA plus is not and is therefore weak) and the school will have to follow it to the letter.

I would consider applying for a statement now because as he goes through his school life it may not get any easier for him and by turn you. Having a statement behind him will hopefully make things a bit eaier for him; his current school (and the Juniors he will go to) will have to acknowledge his AS properly for a start. They aren't at present doing this and they don't know what to do with your son.

www.ipsea.org.uk are very good when it comes to the whole statementing minefield and there are letters you can use to write to the LEA in question. I would say it can take six months for such a document to be set up but a well written statement can be immensely valuable to him.

When DS was in reception he at times had a pretty rough time of it. I used to get called in to discuss him - having my name called out in front of the other mums along with a a finger motioning me to come into class made me feel about six inches high.

His reception teacher was next to useless. I just went in there one afternoon and basically told her that I felt that DS was being failed and thus I was going to apply for a Statement. The school backed me but we as the parents made the application. We got a statement in the end after much wriggling by the LEA to try and wangle out of their statutory responsibilities.

I would suggest you do the same - you are your child's best and only advocate and you are the best person to fight for his interests.

Oh you poor thing. I know just how you feel. Ds is not sn, but is certainly at home on that planet (good friends with as boy at school). I have had his teacher all year complaining about him and my reaction is similar to yours. I think to myself and what am I supposed to do about it. She would say things to me like "I had to tell him 5 times before he'd listen," and I'd think "stupid woman why don't you try something else after it didn't work the first 4 times." I finally had a meeting with her about all the issues and said how concerned I was about his progress in the class (not that I was really) and was looking for suggestions from her about how I could help her "deal" with him. Her grand suggestion was for me to back her up by telling him that he needed to take his work seriously!!! Ugh. I don't think she has said one positive thing about him all year. But funny thing is that ds is completely oblivious to it all and thinks that he's her favorite student!
By the way, ds is fairly uninterested in PE too, though he likes it better this year than last. Hardly crime of the century.
Agree with others that getting a proper statement is probably a good idea. At least your ds will have someone making sure he gets redirected in the right way when he needs it instead of being sent to the deputy head. Ds almost always forgets by the end of the day that he was punished (usually something getting confiscated) earlier in the day and teacher doesn't seem to have figured out that perhaps he's not fiddling expressly to annoy her and that he is unaware that he's doing it so confiscating what he's fiddling with is a waste of time and energy.

As an aside...Ds was sent to the nurse's office the other day because he slipped in the toilets... when I spoke to him on the phone his reaction was to be totally delighted that he had fallen right into someone's pee and needed a full change of clothes...help....boys!

yes...and i always feel like saying ..." and now would you actually take me seriously....listen to MY advise...MY stategies that ACTUALLY DO WORK...to reduce the MELTDOWNS etc that result directly from them NOT litening...NOT taking me seriously and NOT putting in place the strategies i use succesfully.

GRrrrrr!

I hate it when they approach me...i just don't know what to say.
cos if i do start trying to offer advise it just sounds like i am making excuses.

...and another bug to bear i have is that....they are at school...we are at home.

they then expect us to deal with (maybe even discuss the offending behaviour with our child) at HOME.

Do they then reciprocate this for us...do they then find someone willing to sit down and discuss the childs latest meltdown when at home...or at tesco...etc.

No they don't. Seems very 1 way...they expect us to deal with home and school...and they just do school stuff.

AND....don't they realise that we spend all day worrying about our 'unstatemented' 'unsupported' mainstream kids (no, we don't spend 6 hours a day filing our nails and sipping coffee)...we spend 6 hours dreading what has gone on...wondering what mood child will be in....have they ate their lunch....and then in addition we are actually expected to resolve issues that occured hours ago.

...and best bit is...as the incedents occured hours ago...AND at SCHOOL...most ASD kids don't seem to be able to grasp why HOME is the place to discuss it...and WHY we are 'still going on about something that happened at 9.15am in assembly'...
well thats my boys...they see school as school...home as home.

right...rant over.

i'll let somone else speak!!!!

Oh Clutterjunkie, you did make me laugh - I feel like that quite often, that 'and another thing!' sort of outrage. It can be so frustrating. they also don't see that without a bit of detail (or a lot of detail) I can't help them.
I got dh to take ds to school this morning and find out what is happening with the pushing and pinching, and apparently it happens when he can't get another child to do what he wants in the playground in a game or on the computer at school. Which makes a lot more sense, but is something that it is possible to deal with at school. Try to get him to work on a social story, role play, lots of stuff. Don't tell me that it has been going on for ages and DON'T tell me that he is 'hurting other children on purpose' and 'being violent' which totally misses the point of his frustration and inability to fully understand social behaviour.

I honestly think some of the problem is frustration generally. He's a bright boy but I don't think he has learned anything - and I mean anything - whatsoever so far in reception. In fact, in some areas I think he is going backwards.

Hi Sofia, thanks so much for your message. Mine's a fiddler too - the school seem to understand that now and he gets special 'fiddle toys' to play with (suggested by his absolutely lovely OT). In some ways they are great - but in other areas....aaargh.