When you get pulled aside by a teacher to complain about your child, do you ever feel like saying 'whateeever^ and going away and not coming back?

[Aloha]

Because I do! Apparently ds (five, Aspergers, in mainstream reception) has been 'very difficult' and 'uncooperative' and 'destructive' this week (says one of the TAs, though I always ask his teacher at pickup time and she's said nothing and he's been just the best little boy in the boy in the world at home) - I go to pick him up after being out for work reasons and dh is already there (we both work at home btw) and being 'taken aside', so she gives me the talk too, and I just think 'what on earth am I supposed to do about it?'
I am sure he can be difficult at school, but I can't actually do anything about that. And he isn't being remotely difficult at home.
What do they expect of me?
Personally, I suspect he's bored.
Btw they told me he'd spent part of today and yesterday with the deputy head (in hushed tones) - and I think why? It won't scare/bother him. He has no idea really who she is or about her status. And when they told me he wasn't joining in with PE I just felt like saying, 'so what?'
I just don't feel anything - not cross, not disappointed, just irritated and pissed off.
Am I Being Unreasonable?

i mean you only have to HE for 1.5 hours a day

Aloha - if you are thinking of fee-paying, would you like to have a word off-board about my ds's school? - which is a private "unit" school for children with additional needs. It is I think specially good for little ones with dyspraxia.

It is a financial commitment though - even more than most London private schools.

oh - PS - I moved my ds to his current school after a "cosy academic" London private school gave me much the treatment you are getting from your ds's school. (Hence me & dino's views on mainstream private schools ...)

Aloha ~ can you not ring the LEA and see if they have any units attached to ms schools?
My dd was in a ms for 6 months and then was moved to a unit. Such a difference to be around experienced staff that understand specific needs. It is also great as I have made friends with other parents who have children that are similar to dd.

ALoha - ds sounds like a gorgeous, intelligent little boy. School are way out of order. You need specifics imo as to what warrants their request. Do apply for a statement

Bink, do you know anything at all about this school and would it also be worth considering for aloha and her ds?

Hi Aloha,
Deepest sympathy. We had this in reception, pretty much exactly as you describe. They described our son (over his head) as 'the worst case we've ever had to deal with'. And they insisted that I collect him at lunch time every damn day for six months, giving us two transitions to deal with instead of one till I got my head out of the sand, checked, and found that this was illegal exclusion. Every time they 'can't cope' at lunchtimes, that is an exclusion and must be logged as such. Work it to your advantage they've admitted they need extra help with your son.

They don't have the resources? That's their problem. THEY need to find some. (DS1 had help for a while from the school's 'Emergency Relief fund', making him sound like a small earthquake.) Meanwhile, YOU apply for the statement. A statement is a Jolly Good Thing (but could take some perseverance to get). It's a lot easier for me to see this and to say this now that he's 11 than it was when the start of school was torturing our lovely, funny, lively, bright, teachable little boy and making all of us wretched. I considered home ed, but decided I'd go bonkers -- and like yours, our DS needs his friends.

Good luck!
P

Just been to cafe rouge with the kids and I have had had two large kirs so may be slightly incoherent, but two things really - one I am so, so grateful for you all, if you post or if you don't. I've had some fab off board emails and it really does mean a lot, as does everything posted here.
Having a child with any kid of special need means you need extra thick skin, yet you have extra thin skin. It's a bugger. Tonight I discovered that they'd talked about this exclusion with ds before they talked to me and said if he was naughty he would have to go home. he'd LOVE to go home! It's no deterrent! In fact it is encouraging him. I am very irritated by this as he now expects to come home for lunch.

ps really laughing about the 'emergency relief fund' and small earthquake. I think this is what our little children are to them. Small Earthquakes. If I ever write a book about it, that's my title.

Marina - no, I don't know about that school - it's even tinier than ds's. Maybe it's been set up only recently (headmaster & school having same name somehow suggests that)? It does have the same sort of catchment (ie sorts of children catered for) as ds's school - though ds's school has more emphasis on OT and SALT.

It doesn't have an entry in the Good Schools Guide (inc. in the special needs bit - to which I am a dedicated subscriber, of course) - maybe because of newness. The other thing which suggests newness is that the fees are quite a bargain for that kind of school

However - what I would say is that, from my experience with ds, finding a place where your child is not "'the worst case we've ever had to deal with'" (poor PussinWellies) or, in our case, rolling eyes and "in all my [xxx] years of teaching I have never seen a child like .." - and instead is part of what may be a little band, but a happy mutually understanding band, is invaluable. We took ds away from his m/s private not just because of the attitude that we had to be the ones to sort him out (despite him having problems only at school aaagh) but because he was gradually being ostracised (worst possible thing for a child with social delays).

But now, with his offbeat classmates, he is right back in the (happy as anything) social swim. So - Aloha - if you think of moving, a "specialist" independent might be just the thing.

how dreadful that they label him naughty and even to his face!

Aloha

Very late to this and you've already got some great advice so not much to add, but just wanted to say sorry that you are going through this and at them telling your Ds that they would send him home if he was "naughty". I do agree it might be worth investigating units attached to mainstream schools, even if just for a few years until he is bigger.

I also don't understand how they would propose to deal with it if you worked full time out of the house. Would they expect you to leave your job and come to the school at lunchtime? Seems highly irregular to me that they feel that it's appropriate to ask you to do some of their work for them. That's what you pay your taxes and their salary for. I understand that they may be underfunded and overworked, but then they should figure out how to get the help they need without blaming their inadequacies on a poor defenseless 5 year old. Now I'm getting riled up on your behalf.
Take notes about the process, because there is certainly an article and a good strong letter to the appropriate politicians about this. You are educated, capable and articulate....how on earth does the average person cope with something like this?

MS schools frequently do this. When ds1 was in mainstream he was initially only allowed to attend 2 hours a day (bloody nightmare), then it was half a day until the end of reception. Then whenever LSA was off sick I'd get a call at 8am telling me not to bring him in. Essbee gets all this sort of stuff now as well, so do friend's locally. School trip? can't go unless you accompany him etc etc.

Your letter was great. You could add a line something along the lines of "I understand the LEA has a legal duty to provide my son with a suitable education (home ed sites have the exact wording from law); I am of the opinion that this is currently not being provided". Or something like that. Will well and truly put the wind up the LEA's sails as you are suggesting that they are failing in their legal responsibility to your ds. May help with their decision of whether to assess for a statement or not.

Thanks for the information on Brown's school, and Bink, yes I'd be interested.
Over our dinner at Cafe Rouge I was talking to ds about metaphor and simile (his current passions) and we talked about the difference between them and he asked me for examples - 'do a simile about a scary thing that isn't scary. Now do one that is scary about something that isn't scary' and I asked him for some eg 'the room was as dark as'...(ds) 'the middle of the night when the bats fly about'

And he was literally wriggling with pleasure. He said thank you to the waitress for everything he was given, ate spinach and green beans and sat nicely in his seat for the whole meal. Does this sound like a child a school can't cope with?
I read him greek myths for his bed time story and he asked why the picture of the fleece had a sheep's head.

And you are right Sofia. What would they do if I worked in an office instead of at home? They are taking the piss IMO.

Aloha - he is so bright and intelligent. School are being arses. And that is a technical term.

The people I know who are always been called on to step in when schools can't cope generally eventually make themselves unavailable. Answerphone at home, voicemail on the mobile. Otherwise it ends up being all the time.

Gess do you mean it is a losing battle? What do you suggest? I really trust you on this stuff. I feel like a novice.

Aloha, MI has my details - email me at work, that's most reliable.

(dd has come home from school with a book of Michael Rosen poems about the awfulness of school - called "No Breathing in Class" - very Joyce-Grenfell-influenced & fabulous - does your ds like funny poems?)

My ds is obsessed wtih funny poems. In fact he is very cross atm because a book purporting to be of funny poems does not have sufficiently funny poems.

Also, I think people who go on and on about how fab childcare is have never tried to find childcare for a square peg child. I am in fucking tears again and am going to wath House with my lovely ds.

oh dear - but - we have a fantastic lovely nanny who understands and sees the best in ds completely. (We have had problems, it is quite true - when ds was at his worst in his old school she used to come to me in tears over his behaviour - which is the only time I have ever felt at all "usurped" by my childcarer.) But the current one is fab, so it is not impossible.

Do I send hugs? Is that the protocol?

Oh - the nanny who ds reduced to tears is not the one we currently have. As if that wasn't obvious ... !

oh Aloha , how utterly outrageous that they talked to him about it before you. I wodner if they really deserve to teach your ds if they treat him and you like this . He sounds so delightful and such a credit to you and everyone who has an influence upon him. Seems like they can't see beyond him being a probelm

The thing is Aloha sounds like your ds is finding the conforming bit hard.
I remember once having a meeting with the asd outreach team and it was so true what they said.
Schools are trying to push all our children through the same sausage machine and it just doesn't work. If a child has sn or not they are all different and what may work for one child won't for another.