Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

[Fav]

Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Thank you :)
We have been treating them differently, ds has lists, charts etc, so I'll do them for them all, and it will do the 5 point scale with them all, and see how that goes.

A while up this thread someone suggested I look at the curly hair project. I follow her on FB, and most days she posts cartoony posters. Most of them fit ds to a T. Thank you for suggesting it.

I didn't cry at the appointment today, but I was very worked up about it and bright red throughout!
I went in alone first and he took notes. I mentioned school, and I think the main problem is that communication isn't 100%, so I need to be more on the case and instigate better communication.
I've come away and remembered things I should have said but didn't.

Ds came in for a quick chat, and was absolutely fine. After a bad start to the week, he's been quite relaxed today, so was happy to chat.

The paed went through the assessment process, and said after ds has seen everyone, they will all get together and tick boxes which will determine whether there will be a dx or not.
I know I've said this before, but I'm not sure he will get one. With other people, he is so together, comes across as confident, bright, happy, engaging, interested, but is literally a different child with me and Dh.
The paed said that a dx doesn't really do anything, the onus is still on Dh and me to manage things, but it feels so important to get one. Dh and I know for sure that there's a problem, I think we both feel that if there is no dx, then there's something wrong with us as parents that we are barely coping with a 9 year old boy (who happens to appear as completely nt to anyone else who sees him) I also know that without a dx, the rest of primary school is going to be an uphill battle.
I mentioned to the paed that most people see ds and don't believe us, and he more or less said that it didn't matter, we knew what was going on, and he'd already said that there were definitely autistic traits.

Lovely day in general, went to my dsis, then rushed back home to go out for tea (which we never do), and had a brilliant evening. Ds2 was getting edgy about half an hour before we left, so sat on my knee for a while. He kept being rude, which is a sure sign that he's not happy, so we hurried up and went, but it was nice to have fun all together, as we so rarely do any more.

Ds1 and Dh went to shut away the geese and chickens and saw barn owls on the way home - first time we've ever seen them round here. They managed to video one, ds2 is thrilled and planning midnight walks to go owl spotting.

Longer post than I meant to write, oops!

Ouryve - we find that with ds2. He rarely "starts" a fight, but if ds1 or dd cross him, or play in a way he doesn't like, he'll lash out big time.
All our dc are very black and white and like their own rules and ways of playing, which adds to the fun

Actually, because of this, it really does make more sense to treat them all the same and spell everything out and have the little things (that cause so much bother) mapped out beforehand.

We wait until we're called for assessment. He'll see a salt, an OT (I think) a clinical psychologist. Maybe someone else, I can't remember
I think this is likely to happen early next year.

Dh and I have both seen that ds is reluctant to write and draw, says it hurts his fingers. We've also noticed reluctance with buttons, laces, knives and forks, but we can't work out if this is a true problem or something we've created by becoming his minions. I suspect the first, as before this all started, he was the most independent of all our dc. He always hated anyone doing anything for him, so I think this is a genuine frustration that he's hiding by demanding we do things for him.

As soon as I have a few minutes alone, I'm ringing the OT that ouryve suggested up thread and let her see if it's a problem or a parent issue.

CAMHS suggested two parent groups, one expert led (for parents with "difficult" children), one parent led. That will start in September.

So now we get through the summer holidays, carry on writing the diaries.

I'm starting to think that the things Dh and I see are too subtle for anyone else to see. Maybe we're reading too much into it all. Although there's nothing subtle about the meltdowns, and he is hand flapping more, but only when upset or frustrated, never when happy, excited or angry.

Go the parent support advisor coming this morning. The dishwasher is broken, we were out all day yesterday, so the house is an absolute tip. Tempted to put all the washing up in a bag in the scary understairs cupboard!

Amanda would definitely pick up on hand function, Fav. That's something she picked up with DS1 that I'd completely overlooked and explains why he needs to be very motivated to want to write. I can't get him to do the hand gym exercises, mind! He's unwittingly worked on his scissors skills since she first saw him, though, by drawing and cutting out loads and loads of coins!

I have just read this whole thread! (I should have been doing something else, but...)
I have got a great quote from it, and lots of information.

It is hard! I am very seriously thinking of sending a suitable fridge magnet to the HT of the primary school my DD has just left. Maybe this one, as its a message I really don't think he ever got!

I hope next year is better.
The doubts are normal. We all have good days - it doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

With my DC (who are older) I have made it clear that they have to put up with the consequences if they upset the one with ASD. Oh and they all think others are my "favourite" and "have it so much better".

Thanks mummytime :)

Ouryve, I've just spoken to Amanda (isn't she helpful and lovely?), but unfortunately we are a bit far away, although she has said to ring her back if we get nowhere.
She has suggested a clinic in York, so I'll give them a ring.
Thank you for suggesting her :)

She's brilliant, isn't she? It's a shame you were out of range, but glad she was able to recommend someone closer to home.

Someone asked me why we're so desperate for a diagnosis when having one doesn't change anything.
I don't really know what to say back.

The only thing I can think of, and it's a very bad comparison, is to say it's like having a broken leg, going to hospital and them not x-raying, but assuming it was broken, treating it like it was broken and seeing how it goes.
No-one would feel ok with that.

Having a diagnosis would confirm what dh and I believe, and mean that we are doing the right things.

Is it wrong to feel like this? As it stands, no-one believes us. A diagnosis would mean they have to, and I will be able to dismiss their doubts.

Sorry, I write things like this and I irritate myself!

Wot school said.

And, if school well and truly goes tits up, having that diagnosis will leave him slightly less aloft than not having one, as it at least provides a few extra options, outside of full mainstream.

school?

Polter!

Thank you :)
I didn't know that about legal protection.

I have found the best thing about diagnosis is the mental change for me, that somethings I accept we can't change. Its not up to me to try to get her to behave "like other children".

The other thing is that it gets you off the starting blocks to get help - a bit like chronic back pain or migraine. Once you have the diagnosis it shows you are not malingering/making it up; but its only a starting point, and a lot of work is needed until you find the best things for your circumstances.

I've just rung the clinic in York. Ds has an appointment at the end of August.
Had quite a long conversation, and she was lovely, very helpful, recognised everything I said about ds.
She said I should ignore whatever enhanced mainstream services have said (which I kind of have anyway!) as they are often way off the mark (which I have kind of gathered already)

So feeling quite relieved and teary that there is someone here who sounds like they understand what might be going on, will be able to spot it, and hopefully be able to help.

Thank you again for mentioning OT at all, it never would have crossed my mind at all to try this

Good luck Fav :)

The Senco asked me why we were bothering to get our DS labelled.

I answered that having a label or not was not going to affect how my DS behaves, if he needed one then that would help me.

But how will that help said Senco.

Because I will know that he can't rather than not won't do certain things and that helps me parent him better.

She didn't get it.

I was told a while ago (poss on mn) that sencos aren't experts - up to that point I thought they were.

Polter, I haven't met an OT yet, but I agree with you :)
I think I'd like to be an OT when I grow up, but that's a loooong way off yet :o

I believe you ;)

Dear SENCO

We are not labelling our child. He is not a parcel.

We will be seeing an expert doctor who will tell us whether his difficulties are due to a medical condition. Or not.

He is often labelled as 'naughty' by staff and parents at your school, and we had better check if that is accurate.

By the way, if he has straightforward parenting issues, don't you think we should be told to change our approach?

Love, the parents (legally responsible 24/7)

PS I was going to bring you chocolates but I ate them all myself and they were really yummy

PPS
Was astounded by your rudeness. But according to asthma UK, teachers used to be just as ignorant about asthma

Love & hugs
and sticking my tongue out-

Lol

:o Meir

Funnily enough we had a battle to get school to take ds's asthma seriously too.
Wouldn't let him take his inhaler because he was able to talk , lost his inhaler , forgot lunchtime doses that were written on the board
It should have come as no surprise that they're not handling this well.

Ds2 and dd have gone on a sleepover. Dh and ds1 have gone to a steam rally.
I am home alone with my little 3 yr old, all the jobs are done (that usually take up until 9pm because I'm child wrangling.
It's so quiet!
Don't know what to do with myself (lies, I've got a steak and will have a nice glass of wine and watch a DVD of my choice from start to finish with no interruptions :o

Happy Saturday everyone