Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

[Babieseverywhere]

Hope your husband feels better soon.

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The day we went to the deep we definitely did too much, but Dh and ds1 were desperate to go to see old trams and stuff (), so it made sense to go when we were a five minute walk away. I dealt with ds while dd looked after ds3 and Dh and ds1 went browsing old things.

We have uniform shopping still to do, but I'm hoping I can leave ds with his friend in the village.

Can I ask if anyone else gets people saying "just to play devil's advocate....." all the time? Everyone has an opinion on what Dh and I are doing wrong is happening, and it's getting rather tedious.

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Going to the OT on Thursday afternoon.
A couple of people have said that I should be really pushing him to the limits this week, so they'll see something.
Is this right?
Whenever we've been anywhere before, I've made sure he has plenty of calm and space before and after.
Still convinced they won't see anything and we're going to be right back at square one again.

He's having a bad week so far, making noises all the time, barking at the dogs, making some sort of screechy noise. He had a meltdown yesterday, an upset one rather than an angry one, so a fair bit of flapping and tapping going on - Dh saw this for the first time, so knows what I'm on about now. Another meltdown at bedtime, so couldn't get ds3 or ds2 settled until well after 10.

I've got to do uniform shopping today and I can't get in touch with ds's friend's mum, so it looks like I'll have to take him. Feel like crying.
Not doing well at the moment, bit pathetic. Coping when ds kicks off, I think adrenaline sets in, but not coping with normal teenagery behaviour from ds1 and dd. I'm horrible.
I'll prime dd to do some filming when he starts to act up today, at least it won't be for nothing then.

I've been making voice recordings, but not happy about keeping them on my phone, does anyone know if there's a voice recording equivalent of YouTube so I can store them and share them when necessary?
Struggling to video him, as it's obvious what I'm doing and the other dc helpfully point it out to him in rare moments of solidarity.
Voice recording is easy to do stealthily.

[Fav]

Sorry, yet another post from me.
I'm cross with myself for letting other people's opinions make me doubt myself.

This last week, we've done far too much, yet again, and poor ds is now on day 2 of almost constant meltdowns.
Dsis keeps on saying stuff about the situation to other people which undermines what Dh and I know. Someone suggested that we move schools, dsis butted in with "well, apparently x has social problems" and carried on to tell me that I needed to keep an open mind and why are we still having issues if we're so sure this is what the problem is (erm, because it doesn't go away?)
Another dsis thinks I have depression - I don't think I do. I'm exhausted, I haven't had a break from the dc (apart from one day), and I am stupidly letting other's comments get in my head so I'm constantly conflicted.

The OT was brilliant. Ds spent an hour on OT/soft play equipment and was the happiest I've seen him in a long time. She has confirmed that he is hypermobile.
We have 10 days of diaries to fill in while school have the same, so hopefully it'll prove what I've been saying all along about him struggling in school.
I know it's not all school, he gets stressed anyway, but it'll show that he isn't happy and content in school, like everyone assumes he is.
I written and re-written several emails to the parent support advisor and given up. I can't get across what I want to say without it coming out bitchy.
I find the advice she has given out patronising at best. I'll no doubt see her soon. I come across much better face to face than I do writing stuff down.

My main goal now is to stop listening to others and carry on doing what we do to make life easier for ds and therefore us. I'll limit social gatherings, limit activities, keep it all down to the bare bones. Having a shocking weekend, and it is my fault again!

[Fav]

You too, hope your ds enjoys secondary :)

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And you're right, I am blaming myself. Struggling to shift that mindset.
Something to work on again, I had it beaten at one point :)

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Just writing this down so I remember.
Dh has mentioned that ds is always chewing the skin around his fingernails. I've noticed that he's chewing other things (like pen lids) a lot too.
He was never a chewer as a toddler.
Not sure if it's relevant or not.

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Thanks, I've bookmarked that.
This is a relatively recent thing, in the last few weeks.

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Right. Assertive me is back, just in time for school.
Mopey crap me is gone (for now!) apologies for awful miserable posts.

I have emailed the parent support advisor.
I am ringing Margo Sharp this week to see if we can arrange something. We need to know what's going on.
I've been reading several posts in MNSN, and I'm sure that ds has ASD. If not ASD, then something that presents similarly.

I think having the last two weeks, doing too much etc. isn't a bad thing, because it shows that he can't cope with it. The things that we were doing were by no means a lot, to the other dc they were just normal, fun days, but for ds2 it's too much, he is barking a lot (he always makes a lot of noise when stressed, barking is his latest thing) and struggling with most interactions (eg. What would you like for breakfast? Woofwoofwoofwoofwoof.)
I am voice recording as many of these as I can, but he appears to have spidey senses and cuts down on the noise as soon as I start recording!

Again, apologies for crapness over the holidays, thank you for sticking with me!

[ouryve]

Crossing fingers for the return to school. DS1 says he's looking forward to going back. He's heartily sick and tired of being in the same house as his brother all day, most days. We're maintaining an uneasy peace, today, after a weekend away followed by a spectacular meltdown/rage (which I guessed was coming because he'd spent the previous 24 hours fizzing.)

And glad the OT was useful

[Fav]

Thank you :)
When do yours go back?
Ds is back tomorrow.

[Fav]

I hope she sees something. Sounds wrong, but you know what I mean :o

[ouryve]

DS1's back in the morning. A nice gentle start, as first days back are later to allow the more distant boarders time to get there. His teacher rang us up, this evening, to check how he was feeling about going back.

DS2 gets All The Lego Windows to himself for a day, as he doesn't start back until Wednesday.

And DH is taking one of the leave days he kept hold of, tomorrow, as he's expecting a package, so I don't have to do that final day of having the house turned upside down on my own. I may even manage some ironing

[Fav]

Hope today goes well Ouryve :)
Lego windows for a whole day? Lucky boy! I love days when I only have one, then there's no fighting when they all want the exact same Lego piece.

Polter, I hope ds's second day goes well.

Ds is happy to be back, but very edgy/over excited at home. He was very tricky last night and didn't want to go to bed.
He's talking normally but then suddenly barking or making siren like noises, then flipping back to talking normally, then all of a sudden doing the noises again.
Is this normal? It's quite hard work to keep up with what he's on about, I've given up telling him off for it, because it only makes him noisier.
I managed to record about 10 minutes this morning, and I'm sure if I played it, I would be told he's just being naughty and manipulative, but I'm not sure, there's no thought about it, he just slips into it without any thought (or so it seems), it happens more when he is excited/angry/stressed, any excess of emotion really.

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Massive meltdown now. Dh dealing with him.
I don't think it's anything to do with school, something happened his evening, haven't a clue.
He had a good day at school.
Ugh.

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He's asleep. Something happened with a group of children when he was out earlier, but he won't say what.

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School filled out a questionnaire for the OT today, it was like they described a whole other child

They commented that there were plenty of others in the class who would have ticked boxes that ds didn't.

The only interesting thing noted was that he doesn't show emotions at school.

Generally, he's much happier with different teachers, and both his teachers seem much more understanding and willing not to push him in areas that he has struggled with in the past, so hopefully things will be easier.

[Fav]

Not going well at the moment.
Thankfully ds still likes his teacher, but we've had three times in the last week where anxiety has taken over and it's been very difficult to get him into school.
He's more aggressive/violent than he has been for a while, and anxiety is through the roof.
He now has a massive problem with doing things in front of other children he doesn't know.
He's also being tripped up by some yr 6s (seems to be a bit of a craze at the minute), but he doesn't want me to say anything, as the teachers will have a word and they'll do it more than ever because he dobbed.
Yesterday he was very late in and only went in because I promised to pick him up at lunchtime so he didn't have to go on a trip to a cycling thing with loads of other schools. Probably the wrong thing to do, but he went in.
He says the ht had a go at him and he was so worried that his legs went numb :(
Apparently she kept telling him that he has to go to school. He knows that! Surely her being kind to him when he's been very anxious would make things easier, instead of having a go at him?
I need to say something, but not sure how to word it yet.
I'm constantly surprised with how little empathy some teachers have for children.