Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Have a great evening.

Oooh, enjoy!

Thank you :)

Fil has taken all 4 dc out today, so I'm catching up on housework and diary writing.
I'm noticing more and more that ds does not like being under pressure by anybody. If he is allowed to be feral, and everything goes his way, he is more relaxed and we can ask him to do more, he doesn't talk weirdly to my parents, things like that.
When there's more pressure, social occasions with expectations of him, certain things are noticeable (talking, edgy, angry, followed by meltdown at home and trying to take control of everything)

I suppose this explains why school is so difficult, he's spending all his time there doing what other people tell him to do.

I'm putting a lot of time into planning things I know he'll like. I take photos of him doing these things, because inevitably he only remembers bad things about the day. If I can show him the photos, it reminds him that it was fun.

So at the moment, things are mostly lovely, as long as we remember to not do too much and let him have space and time to just be. His mood is mostly flat, but flat is ok because it means no meltdowns. I feel sorry for him though because he doesn't seem to enjoy things like the others do.

Thanks, added that one to the wish list too :)

Me again :)

Someone linked to the NAS description of PDA, even though I read it before and thought "Nah, that's not ds", I've read it again and think that actually it really does fit.

obsessively resisting ordinary demands Yes, we've found that his happiest days are when there are no demands on him whatsoever. We get more out of him when he has lists to follow rather than us nagging asking him to do anything. Would presumably explain why school is so very difficult for him.
appearing sociable on the surface but lacking depth in their understanding (often recognised by parents early on) Yes, masks how he really feels and let's rip at home. Doesn't understand co-operation and playing by other's rules.
excessive mood swings, often switching suddenly Good God yes. He is Jekyll and Hyde personified.
comfortable (sometimes to an extreme extent) in role play and pretending Yes, often plays pretend games (on his terms obs)
language delay, seemingly as a result of passivity, but often with a good degree of 'catch-up' No, actually, this bit doesn't fit at all.
obsessive behaviour, often focused on people rather than things. Yes, yes, yes! Negatively fixated with his teacher. Now fixated with a boy in the village, would spend all day every day with just him if he could, becomes very angry when this boy is busy and can't play out.

So, do I print this off too and write notes to give to someone when assessment time comes, or would that come across as me trying to teach them their job?

(Quietly impressed that I got the bold thingy to work)

The less he has to do, the more he is able to do. If that makes sense.

I've had wine, so I may be posting these little one line words of wisdom all night :o

PDA fits ds quite well too, but ASD + ADHD also fit, and, tbh, I think the more old-fashioned diagnoses that teachers understand and acknowledge officially albeit in a minimal, and grudging way can be more help

Yes, DS1 fits most of that list very well, though he has never been passive and his sociability is limited.

He has that old fashioned dual diagnosis mentioned by Meir but PDA strategies work best with him.

I think we've fallen into PDA type strategies, which help.

Ds1 and ds2 are being a nightmare together. Ds1, when relaxed, appears to understand but he will keep trying to control and police ds2, which does not help at all!

Ds has got the other night's sleepover out of his system now and we're having a relaxed morning (a rare treat). All sitting and watching Lego movie.

We are getting a puppy in September, all the dc have met him, so we're busy planning. Ds keeps showing the other dogs photos of the puppy so they'll recognise him :o
Its given me something to look forward to. I can't remember feeling this happy or excited in ages. Hopefully it'll rub off on the dc.

Yesterday we had ds's friend round. Thought this would be good, but apparently not, because ds didn't choose to have him round, and he was here all day. Ds had a good time, but is adamant that he was pretending the whole time.

This morning, he's been up since 8 and I already have an A4 page full of incidents.
Dh keeps coming home and wondering why nothing has been done, but says it like "oh, we'd better sort these clothes out" "we'll have to get on top of this clutter" and I'm taking it as criticism, because I know damn well that there's no "we" about it. It's me. I have to get it done.
Only I spend most of my days sorting out ds and racing round getting stuff done when he goes out.
So tonight, when Dh comes home and is unhappy with the state of the house, I'll show him the diary and remind him that he gets to spend his days with rational adults.

Already today I have been called an arsehole, a bitch, he's made up songs about what a fat bitch I am, he's threatened everyone, and now he's in his bed singing horrible songs and whacking the metal bed with something.

Trying my hardest to turn this around today, but nothing I've done has made a difference.

Thank you :)

I try not to rise to swearing and insults, but it's not nice is it :(

As always, the older dc keep winding him up, then he hurts them. I punish them (and send ds2 to his room), but it doesn't sink in.

Ds1 has his own issues as well at the moment, refusing to see anyone, kicking off if we are doing things.

Dh is off work from tonight for a couple of weeks. He's exhausted at the minute, so will need peace and quiet. He won't handle ds well because he's so exhausted. He'll then threaten to go back to work.

Good idea. Never thought of that.
Might get some for myself while I'm at it :o

Filled in the next side of A4.

Ugh. Had to go into town to drop off girls and pick up a prescription.
Ds decided he wanted to go to Booths and had an almighty meltdown in the car. Had to wait for him to calm down before I could set off, then had to stop twice as he was kicking and lashing out.
He's come home and stomped off to be with his friend. Spoken to friends mother and she's happy to hang on to him for a bit.
Now drinking and eating and trying to calm my jangling nerves.

Sorry, all jollied out.

Quick update.
Back from a weekend at centre Parcs.
It was........interesting. Ds was happy to do the things that he chose to do, but very unwilling/stressed/angry at doing other things. We were there with family, so quite a big group. Ds refused to go on a bike ride with all his cousins.
He was happy playing 1:1 for short times, but apart from the swimming wasn't very happy.
Came home to an email from parent support advisor. Full of saying how we need to be encouraging ds to live a normal life (yes, that's what we're trying to do), to build up his confidence with the things that stress him put at school (finding this tricky as if he's finding something stressful, it's difficult to get through to him at home)
She's said that nothing should be put into place at school (now or secondary) because he's happy and content at school. (Dont quite know where to go with this)
She sent advice about bedtime routines. Generic gentle routines, all very well, but starting with a warm bath, lovely in theory, but in practise bath time tends to be a stressy nightmare, and unless ds has chosen to have a bath, is a trigger. If he has chosen to have a bath, getting him out is a nightmare. There is no such thing as a relaxed warm bath when ds is involved.
He gets so anxious at bed time, and rarely goes to sleep until 9.30/10pm.
Feel once more that people are assuming that dh and I are creating these issues (for whatever reason), and that we need to step up on the parenting front. Feels like shit tbh.
Feel completely swamped.

Thank you.
It really makes me doubt myself, and spending time with people who believe ds is an under disciplined child, and that we haven't found the right way to deal with him.
I've said this before I know, but we have had this for three years. The only improvement (for us) has been since we have been reducing the stress and following the 5 point scale. His behaviour in the last year has changed, and he does struggle with more things, and apparently this is because we've put this on him and made him feel different and awkward.
It's all terribly confusing, frustrating, upsetting and all sorts of other things.
I've been lurking more on the sn boards, and identify with so much that others have posted. In fact someone posted something last week about a meltdown in a car, and I could have written it pretty much word for word, but because he appears NT to everyone but dh, me and long suffering siblings, it must be something we are doing wrong.

I got to a point where I felt so confident with all of this, knew where we were headed (ish) and how to handle things, but now, every time anyone says something that's not "right", I feel like the floor has been taken away from under me. I'm not struggling with ds as such (although I am iyswim) but people's reactions to what's going on and how we're dealing with it.

Wrt qualifications, I have no idea, and at the moment, I suspect there's no point in asking, as it would alienate the person who is supposedly on my side
Seeing how things have panned out for other parents on local FB groups, it is very much a case of blame the parents until such time there is a diagnosis (if, big if)
The OT I spoke to (appointment next week) was quite vocal that pre-diagnosis support is rubbish, as they will only support dc showing obvious behaviours, which ds definitely does not.

Dh and I are in no doubt whatsoever that there is an issue, we live with him, we have to deal with this day in day out, we have to pick apart the tiny clues and fit them together to work out what's going on, but nobody else sees this and assumes we're adding 2+2 and making some giant problem out of normal naughty boy behaviour.

I really hope your OT is helpful. In 4 years of dealing with the same as you, our OT is the first person to acknowledge that it is something within DS that he needs help with, and not implied that it was our fault.

Good luck.

I am very worried that we'll go and they'll find nothing, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.