Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Ugh. Rubbish.

Ds has finished now.
He had an appointment today and has one tomorrow, so that's it :o

We've had a lovely day today, very relaxed (apart from a quick meltdown he snuck in before going to the dentists.

Had an email back from the ht, which I think slightly skirts the issue of breaks, but, we're done. School's over now for a few weeks!

all round :)

Hooray! Hope secondary is brilliant for your ds

Took ds to see a psychotherapist today, recommended by a family friend.

Ds was very uncomfortable. Interacted in a stilted, awkward way and didn't really understand why he was there.
She wanted to talk to ds alone, and the ultimate plan would be for any sessions to be just her and ds, which he isn't happy about at all (and if I'm being honest, I'm not entirely comfortable about this either).

She said that for anything to change, ds has to want to change and be willing to work on things. I'm probably being defeatist, but at the moment, I don't think this would work for ds at all (please tell me if I'm BU, I'm expecting a lot of family pressure over this).
My gut instinct is to wait, get any assessments out of the way, so we know what we're dealing with before taking on anything like this.
We are having some success using the 5 point scale, and feel that we are making slow but steady progress with ds.

Hopefully year 5, with a much better teacher, will be an easier year for him.

I kind of hope that the ASD assessors make him feel as uncomfortable as the lady did today, because then they'll definitely see what Dh and I see. Is it wrong to hope this?

I only went because they were recommended, and we are feeling the pressure to "make him better".
The wanting to change bit did make me feel odd about it, as it goes against everything I've read about people with asd being happy in themselves.

I know there's going to be pressure to carry on with this, but I really don't think it's right for ds now. Apart from anything else, I don't think a 9 year old should have to think about changing themselves. We love him as he is, and I want him to grow up knowing that.

My round, help yourselves everyone, and it's time for a bar-snack I reckon.

"we are feeling the pressure to "make him better"

Aww, please don't feel like that, finding triggers and helping him cope are good strategies and it's not an easy thing to do as you're finding out, but whoever is suggesting he's in some way broken needs fixing themselves with a sharp slap from a wet fish. Your son is who he is, he's not somehow damaged, he's finding it difficult to cope and letting you know in the only way he knows how.

"Apart from anything else, I don't think a 9 year old should have to think about changing themselves. We love him as he is, and I want him to grow up knowing that."

Absolutely agree

Don't worry about strict criteria for labelling, the autistic spectrum is just that and there's a vast amount of individual traits that can apply. Some kids have a few of those, some have lots, some have a label, some don't.
I know you have seen a lot of professionals, have you seen an Occupational Therapist for a sensory profile and for a good look at his 'bendiness'. They can diagnose hypotonia and hypermobility as well as sensory processing disorder which is very much like Dyspraxia but only a Dr can diagnose that. A sensory profile done by an OT could well give you a lot of ideas for interventions for your son, ours was the first person that listened to me and not only believed what I said but explained so much about the 'why' of my dd's behaviour. Nowadays there's so much info online that little is a revelation, but for me things like proprioception were alien concepts until she demonstrated how daily life was from my dd's sensory point of view. Spoons theory is what everyone uses nowadays for fatigue but she explained it as a glass of anything you like, will do nicely being as we're in here

The OT was very anti any aids that looked clinical where something ordinary could substitute for the same function. Would your ds prefer a large heavy cushion or some other not-to-him-so-obviously-a-disability-aid as opposed to a weighted blanket?

Thank you :)
He sometimes likes the blankets, but prefers to chuck himself around when he's angry. Sometimes he buries himself under things or gets into his cupboard.
Ouryve told me the name of an OT, I haven't got round to ringing, but I will next week. I never really knew what they did, or that they could be so useful.

Having a hard time with ds1 and dd today. Ds2's next paed appointment is on dd's birthday, they can't believe how terrible that is, even though I've planned something nice for them to do while I'm there.
They've gone on and on how ds2 is the favourite. We don't have favourites,but at the moment, there seem to be so many appointments and phone calls to be made, all about ds2.

Ds2 has been a nightmare tonight, says he wants to die, has trashed the house, and I feel guilty because I made him go today, when if I'm being honest, when it was suggested it didn't feel right.
Polter, you're right, I've got to stop bowing to pressure. Dh and I know ds better than anyone.

We like a nice, quiet life. But it's anything but. At least it's not boring :o

Thought I'd update quickly.
Holidays going well (until today when I overestimated what he could handle)
We have a rough plan of what's going on, with a list of everything that needs to be done during the day, including any visitors, any outings, jobs to do etc, which helps.

I've been limiting what we've been doing, and he's been having lots of time at home, doing whatever he wants.

We have noticed that every time he asks for something, if we don't do it immediately, or suggest he does it himself, he screams and hits things.
We're trying out different ways to get a better response out of him!

Going back to the paediatrician on Wednesday, I have a list of things to say:
School
Masking how he feels
The way he talks to other people (stilted/awkward)

I'll probably think of more to add tomorrow.

Today we had a surprise trip to the vets, a quick supermarket trip and a visit to a country store for dog food.
When we got home, we had a visit from my dsis and 5 dc.
I spent the afternoon stressed and kicking myself for not thinking about how he would take to all this.
I'm now sitting MNing on his bedroom floor while he settles down. I've managed to stop him from singing.

Today is not going well.
Ds2 still seems to be "fragile" (in the aggressive and violent sense) after yesterday.
Ds1 and dd are not understanding at all, and keep unwittingly putting him into situations which he cannot cope with, especially as he's not happy today, then when I try to suggest that they back off, it's because ds2 is my favourite, obviously

Back in feb/march, the enhanced mainstream lady promised peer awareness for ds1 and dd, to help them understand. She has now backed off completely and says this wouldn't be appropriate unless there's a diagnosis (if there's a diagnosis)
I don't know if it would be worth mentioning this to the paed, to see if he can suggest any resources for ds1 and dd. I found a few blogs, but they seem to be overwhelmingly negative about having a sibling with SN.

My mother dropped in unannounced this morning. While it was lovely to see her, it was one more thing for ds to blow up about. My dsis wanted to come round again today, and I had to tell her no.

Feels a bit shit today. Can't go out because someone's coming to fix the dish washer. I so hope he can fix it, I hate washing up!

No :(

I don't know what allowances I can reasonably expect ds1and dd to make for ds2, especially when there is no diagnosis to go by.
A few little tweaks in their behaviour could make all the difference to ds2, but I can't get that through to them without it being favouritism.

Ended up going out when Dh came home. Came back at bedtime to find he'd done all the things I was meant to do today but couldn't because I was dealing with fallout all day.

Paed tomorrow. Am probably going to embarrass myself and cry at him.

Good luck with the paeds appointment. Don't worry if you cry - they will be used to it - and it just shows how difficult things are.

Kicking off already this morning.
Dd's birthday and too much going on, early morning visit from fil (hurrah )
Ds1 doesn't do other people's birthdays and seems to have been hit with a grumpy stick.
Lots of siren type noises from him.
He doesn't want to go to the appointment, which I think is adding to this morning's fun.

Good luck at your appointment. [Thanks]

Paeds are there to cry at :)

I'm thinking that, if you're using the 5 point scale with DS1, it might be helpful to do it with your other two, as well, with an approach of how they recognise when they're struggling with each other (including DS1, obviously) and strategies to minimise that - you can guide them in strategies that will help them, without inflaming DS1.

I suspect that bribery incentives would help, too. DS1 is getting days out with me and a little extra pocket money for doing his best to be tolerant of DS2, it's mostly working, despite DS2's best efforts to wind him up!

The only way to give special treatment to one dc and live, is to give special treatment to all the dc.

This is a school based planning system that can be modified to use at home. Ridiculous though it sounds to d one for otherwise unexceptional NT dc, making (and enforcing) one page of written down 'specialness' for each of them may help.

Visual timetables, reward charts, making transitions bearable etc- just suck up the extra work and do it for everyone. There's nothing about the common ASD-strategies that is different or special,- it's just very well-organised, consistent, picture (or text)-backed stuff you'd do anyway.

It won't harm a NT dc, it'll save some of the arguments about 'it's not far' and if you make it look very uber-parenting 'our house is always like this anyway' then it'll save you hours of listening to well-meaning but very basic advice from the 'caring carrot' type of professional.

Yep. One of the big things I've realised when working with LDCAMHS regarding some of DS2's behaviours is that I can't treat them in isolation. A lot of the more difficult/dangerous behaviours seem, in a large part, to be a response to DS1 and it dawned on me that issues are easier to resolve if I also work on DS1's part in them, however small. eg DS2 behaves better in the car if DS1 is not in the back with him. Thankfully, DS1 is now big enough to sit in the front of the car and can be trusted not to mess about with stuff.

Discouraging DS2 from goading DS1 only works if DS1 won't be goaded. This is where our incentives are being used, at the moment. The boys are equally buoyed by a day apart.