Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

[Fav]

Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

I think that's what it is babies.
I spoke to the ht this morning, and saw ds lining up for sports day practice, looking a bit giddy, I pointed out that he was looking quite stressed, to someone who doesn't know him well, he just looks like he's being a bit silly.

I hope we're getting somewhere. More will be down on his timetable, I've said that I need to know what's going on too, so I can back things up from home.
We'll see how it goes this time

giddy ..hmm yes...

i describe it as going down hill fast in a car in fifth gear, staying on the road but feeling not quite in control.

ds is usually manifested by running off and not listening.

he also has major meltdowns after school.

oh and the autism support person said he was ot showing signs of distress... yet to me he clearly was distressed..

Have just been to cygnet course, the lady there has given me lots of advice and said we must push for a referral! then things will have to be put into place.

At the moment, because EMS did a sensory audit which came back fine, and because ds doesn't show any signs of stress that they recognise they are unwilling to try much more.

Ds does the 5 point scale with the TA. He's generally at a 3, which at home is 100% supervision time to keep him safe and try to stop the inevitable slide into 4 and 5, but I think they assume that he's ok at that. No wonder the poor boy hates school, and no wonder he blows up at home :(

I didn't realise you can attend cygnet courses without a dx or did you have to pay for it ?

You're meant to have a dx, but a lady in my village is deputy head at a special school.
Out of a maximum of 16 places on the course, they only had three filled, so she invited me along.
It's free. I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to go!

Just had an inspiring evening with a SN teacher who teaches secondary aged dc with asd.
She's given me loads of strategies for home and school, if I'm not the No.1 pain in the arse at school already, I soon will be!

I keep hearing that where I live is the worst place in the country for ASD diagnosis and support, so that's comforting to know

I disagree with taking away break times especially if he has sensory problems. It doesn't give them time to modulate. Always keep break times to destress ect.

No doubt he knows how important spellings are. Why not ask him what the "consequence" should be. If he says something silly explain well you would never agree to that and to come up with something reasonable. Negotiate it between you.

This is what I have been taught to do recently. What do you think?

Fav, DD (very anxious) and DS (dx AS) are exactly the same. They go through the day stressed out but showing no signs of it at school. There is nothing teachers can do because they do not see the problem and my kids do not want to be singled out or seen to be different so anything we do has to be subtle. It is left all up to me, I go on training course to learn various techniques, I read a lot and I try to negotiate with teachers. I ask for timetables and consistency but I don't always get it, unless they have a fantastic teacher (and we these I don't need to ask!). DS has a private diagnosis which School are accepting. However all it means is that they believe me when I tell them that he is very stressed at home, and believe that it is not parenting. HT is fab though and they have got some brilliant teachers which helps. I think that a private diagnosis might help you though, if only for your sanity and full understanding of your DS. DS was diagnosed at 7, 2 years ago. He is now a different child and half of it is because he understand where his difference are coming from and knows his strengths and difficulties. If you can afford it, I would do the private diagnosis while you wait for the NHS one (you don't have to tell anybody you are doing it)

Molly, the lady I saw last night said the same thing about a private dx, so it is something we're looking into now.

Kafkesque, I have a plan (outlined last night with amazing teacher lady), that he should not miss breaks, when it comes to spellings, if he finds tests too stressful, the time it takes for the others to do their tests, he should be doing spellings using a different strategy, and if necessary I'll go in and do that with him.
She's also recommended using the 5 point scale (we have been doing bits, with limited success, but we haven't really understood what we are doing) and has given me templates for keyrings, small scales etc, which I can make and laminate and give school enough for the whole class, so it's not something that ds is doing on his own. Once he and the teacher are confident that it's going alright, they'll go it alone.
She's suggested that I find someone experienced with HFA to observe him, as they will be trained to spot the subtle signs of stress. Apparently a humongous proportion of people trained to spot stress signals are trained to spot obvious signs, like flapping, finger tapping, rocking etc.
Ds's signals are there, but very well hidden. Dh and I can spot them, but I don't think school are taking on board that ds being giddy = stress, as most 9 yr old boys will have plenty of giddy moments.

Feels like a bit of a battle at the moment, which we're losing. I'm hoping to go to see the ht and ds's new teacher (from September) to try to get them to see ds's amazing potential and be a part of unlocking it!

We were lucky that ds2's TA recognised that "giddy" = "stress" but she did tell us that she had to point this out to the teachers who thought "giddy" = "relaxed and enjoying himself". There is an awful thread on AIBU in which a teacher claims she is far too busy to read any of the paperwork and works things out herself by "trial and error". It is exactly this sort of thing that has to be communicated to make the lives of our children just that little bit more comfortable.

I haven't seen that thread One, which at the moment is probably just as well!

....mum of autistic son who has just permanently painted my white bath blue, so I have come on here to distract myself!!!(not even a neat paint job),
homework at primary school was a total nightmare...pens thrown etc.. But ..different ball game at secondary school,much better. We stock pile it for the weekend and then do it when he is ready as a break between computer gaming. That works well......is it worth trying a change like that so that he has some control over it and can do it when he is feeling calmer and chilled over weekend. Also, talking to school about which bits are necessary/valuable from their point of view and just concentrate on those. This might get things into a different and better pattern......and we know how much they love patterns and habits! School might be supportive of a plan.

Shropshire, at least your bath is now unique :o

Ds has come home raging one more time.
He has been kept in at break again to do spellings again

Here's my plan, please feel free to pick it to bits!
Kill her
I spell out again that he is not to miss break until we have come up with a strategy that works for everyone. There are only three weeks left of this term. Missing three weeks of spellings isn't the end of the world at this point in the year.
I also point out again that he does not understand missing breaks, it makes him extremely stressed and in turn he is more likely to be rude and "naughty".

I want to ask her:
What part of ds's working diagnosis, as spelt out by his paed, does she not understand.
Why is she not listening to me.
Does she not believe me?
Why, when other mothers in the schoolyard can spot his stress signals, can't she?
When I've told him giddy = stress! why won't she take it in.

The HT/SENCO is away from school a lot, I don't know if this has a bearing on how these things are dealt with.

We've had the pleasure of going to asda tonight, by the look on his face, you would have thought it was Christmas, he looked like the most excited boy in the world. But we now know that this is stress, not happiness.

I'm so frustrated and pissed off at the moment that my neck has had an outbreak of spots that look like a shaving rash

What more should I be saying?

Sorry for yet another rant

Thanks Polter :)
I'm going to collect articles to email to school. I'm sure one day they'll appreciate it
I'm thinking of writing a letter, copying it as an email for posterity, possibly ccing the governors?
Is that too OTT.

No idea what to write though, maybe just this weeks events and how disappointed I am that she still hasn't taken things on board.

Just had a parent support worker here, hopefully it will help.

I feel that at home, we are learning all the time and getting better at managing things, and hopefully she can help to get school more on board.

I was clear that even though he doesn't show signs of stress (that anyone recognises), he is still stressed, and has told them and me that he is.
Just because he looks fine doesn't mean that he doesn't need help.

Haven't managed to word an email successfully yet - it's very repetitive and patronising!
Must try harder.

That's really kind, I will if that's ok :)

I've sent it, but read it out to a couple of people to make sure I didn't sound too pissed off!

Since I went to the cygnet course and to speak to the SN teacher on Wednesday, I feel all fired up and passionate about making everything right for ds, and really feel that we can do it.

Speaking to people who aren't involved with ASD, including school and other agencies that we have been involved with, is really getting me down, as there is so much ignorance.
Speaking to the people who really know, is so motivational and inspiring.

I kind of want to change the world a little bit for children like ds. And no wine has been drunk yet!

Re emails....very tricky, I have spent years trying to get tone right and have to tone down all the time, but have found if you don't put things in writing it is even worse. School issues have got better over years (many) as statement has got more detailed and experts spell things out clearly as to what is needed....still have to remind school but at least I have the support of the statement which really helps a lot.inevitably I only send emails when I'm thoroughly wound up by something.....you won't be the only mum sending cross emails and the bottom line is that if you don't fight your kids corner who will, there is hardly a queue is there.

Thanks Shropshire :)

Is there a limit to how many emails I should send?
I sent a massive long email today, and think I need to send another one now.
He missed another fucking break today. Despite me sending a message in this morning explaining that he had a teary morning and really had to brace himself to go into school.
He's been in trouble all day for being silly - does it not occur to them that the poor boy is stressed? Despite everything I have said, he is still being treated as a naughty boy.

And to top it all, ds1 has had a 5 hour obnoxious do tonight, on top of ds2’s meltdown and properly kicking me hard on the arms.

I've had enough now.

Email sent.

I'll soon be an alcoholic at this rate :(

We've already decided that he'll stay at home for most school trips, dress up days etc. If he has an appointment, I think we'll keep him off for the rest of the day, as he hates going into school partway through the day.

I already regret not sending emails from January.

I feel like problems have only started because I've been to the cygnet course and spoken to some really knowledgable people, and I've started to assert myself and believe that now I am starting to understand Ds a bit better.
DH and I are the only ones that ds will confide in. If we didn't then use that info to help him, we'd be the worst parents in the world, but by doing this, I am stirring things up at school. I swear they see me coming and run a mile!