Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Yes, everything is emailed, but unfortunately plenty of it is evidence of me making the wrong choice.

Half the school is going on a technology day next week, I have warned ds about it, but he zones out, so I'm not sure he's aware that it's going on.

Another bad morning.
Three this week :(
Anxious about being tripped up, although the teachers have never seen this happen.
Spoke to the ht who has assured me that ds is coping much better this term. Though it doesn't look like he is from a home point of view.
He likes his new teachers, but seems far more anxious about things.

I don't think keeping him off when there's a big multi-school cycling event on is a bad choice. Remember that your DS has a disability. As such, that activity is not accessible to him. If his disability was such that he is physically unable to ride a bike (actually, DS1 is - he never mastered pedalling) then you would have no compunction about taking him home, instead. As it is, whether your DS can ride a bike or not, it's a busy, event with lots of unfamiliar people and is out of his expected routine for that afternoon. Your DS's disability makes it impossible for him to cope with those things and school are unwilling/unable to do anything to ensure that he could access such an event.

Sorry I keep coming and moaning about it.
We are managing things better at home, but I really wish that at school they would acknowledge how difficult he can find it, and be nice to him.

Ds3 is really growing up and his talking has really come on (after a rocky start), and it's striking me how affectionate and loving he is, which ds2 never was, so maybe there are signs that I completely missed when he was little.

I read other threads here and I'm in awe of how well others handle school issues, and how much knowledge they have about the system and everything that's going on, and hope I can take something from it to help ds

There have been some very depressing threads lately about schools and teachers. Awful that so many have crap experiences.

X-post.
Thanks Ouryve, you're right. I didn't think about it like that.

Polter, just wanted to thank you for the link to the chewy things! we finally bought one for ds! as his fingers are chewed to bleeding shreds.
He's had it for two days now and loves it!

We've noticed that when he's out and about with people, or doing homework or anything else slightly demanding, he chews it constantly.
When he comes home and is doing something calm, or watching Steve Backshall, he hangs it up and doesn't need it. Interesting.

Have contacted the OT to let her know and hopefully she could add it on as a recommendation to school, I don't think it would go down well if I mentioned it!

Not really feeling the love for school. Ds's teacher is brilliant, seems to be understanding more and more how ds feels, but his hands are tied by the HT. Everything has to go through her, which is frustrating as everything is done the correct way, with no thought for ds as an individual, and no room for slight bending or allowances which IMO would make his school life more pleasant.